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#240920 - 07/29/08 07:30 AM The lights are on.
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
I have to ask this question; did anyone ever not know why they were doing what they were doing.

I had no idea that anxiety drove my life every second of the day. I did not even know what anxiety was until I started going to therapy ten years ago. I just recently admitted having anxiety and now looking back I see that it has been the driving force in my life. Like driving Ms. Daisy it has taken me so many places, it has talked to me on a daily basis from the time of the CSA. Worrying about what others would think of me because of the male male molestation; thats when I met anxiety.

Porn took roots the same way, I had no idea that this was the wrong thing to do. Just like boozing, I thought all of these thigns came with being a red blooded american male. I had no idea they ruled my life, nor did I ever think it was a problem stimming from the abuse. I justified porn to my wife for ten years, told her that it was just something that kept the marriage going, kept my sexual desires that she could not fullfill under control. I told her that working out in the gym increased my desire and because she did not work out she did not have the endorphines as I did therefore she did not have the sex drive I had and could not keep up. I told her that I would rather do porn than have an affair.


I had no clue that all of these things had anything to do with CSA, anxiety, addiction, or any other technical term. I truly thought I was living, did anyone else have the lights off in regards to this and then have a waking moment when something tragic occurred.

My wifes affair turned my lights on what did it for you?

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#240931 - 07/29/08 08:39 AM Re: The lights are on. [Re: John Oarc]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
....and i'm naked..scary. very scary.

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#240934 - 07/29/08 08:53 AM Re: The lights are on. [Re: John Oarc]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
John,

First, I appreciated your comparison with the film Driving Miss Daisy. I loved that one and I'm thinking I should give it another look.

I staggered through decades not knowing why things felt so difficult for me. I just assumed life was meant to be like that, I suppose. I had got clean in 1975, when I was 26, so i didn't want to go back to drugs. But I sure did exult in alcohol, procrastination and "make-work", and obsession with my work at the expense of my family.

I can't say I had any specific light bulb moment of the kind you describe; I guess my progress was a bit different. I was having nightmares and flashbacks and thought I was losing it; I began therapy because I thought I was becoming mentally ill. We did make progress, but my sessions were in German (I was teaching in Germany) and so the ambiguities of translation allowed me to talk in circles and platitudes a lot. At least that's how it seems now.

If there was a big moment, it was one day when I was alone and thinking about a nightmare I had had. I kind of relived it as I sat there - a flashback maybe. But there was a boy, always the same boy, and I was afraid to look at him directly. I'm not sure what happened next, just that he was staring at me, I knew it was me, and I was crying and wanting to know why no one will help me.

After that it was just one thing after another, kind of falling into place. What really did it for me was coming here and thinking, "Huh? What's this? I'm not alone?" That was huge for me. I think just about every big step I took in therapy I first tried out on the guys here. Some of them will remember me writhing and agonizing as I struggled through things like disclosing to my Dad and facing the fact that I had been abused with a close friend.

So yes, years of struggling along with no idea what was wrong, a waking moment when I admitted to myself that I had been abused, but then a long gradual process of realizing how everything fit together. I still get surprised that way, when something happens to show me a new dimension of how abuse has affected me.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#241203 - 07/29/08 10:09 PM Re: The lights are on. [Re: roadrunner]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Thanks Larry, your right it did come on gradual but it seems like just recently the anxiety thing just jumped up out of the clear blue and hit me like a ton of bricks. I can relate, now knowing what it is and what it makes me feel like I can see that anxiety was there most of my life. I guess I am just suprised that I had no clue and that is what I find profound. I guess it is hard for me to grasp the fact that I was tricked or I feel like I was fooled, like I lost so much living in fear. It's just strange I guess.

Thanks Larry,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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