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#240889 - 07/28/08 11:56 PM and they keep coming and coming................
cole Offline


Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 10
Loc: NC
I live in two different worlds, the life I am leading and my warped world. Presently, I am, well, just been knocked down.
Ten years ago I told my parents the truth and they told me I was lying. The fact, my mother knew because she witnessed it, but to this day, "I saw what I thought to be odd behavior, and removed you." Ok, you removed me once, but once in 8 years and this is because she was LOOKING at it. When I chose to confront and ask my GF why? He confessed that a small child took his hand and forced me to commit it. Okay, WHOA, clearly parents are just not working with me on this. I had hoped and actually thought they had resolved this. Common-Sense, tells parents when tot heir child is in danger. This weekend a child was put at risk. A child that can not speak for itself and a child that is paralyzed

The child was left alone and I was 1 out of 4 responsible adults that did the right thing. The others say it cant happen again. After, years of therapy and progress, suicide attempts and self-destructive behavior I have not looked in the mirror be true to myself. I wanted to go to the police and did not. I listened to my parents. OK, I was and I am intimidated by the police. I am a alcholic and have been arrested for being drunk. My GF is 96, he is very able to even live alone. Would the legal sys. even look, at what I had to say?

Even today if I get to bogged down by this my brain fog forms. So, advice from other CSA's your words of wisdom are needed

Jay

_________________________
"To always look life in the face...To always look life in the face and to know it for what it is and to know it for what it is not and then put it away." Virginia Woolfe, "The Hours"

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#240890 - 07/29/08 12:13 AM Re: and they keep coming and coming................ [Re: cole]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
Hello, Jay, and welcome to the MS site. You spoke of living in two different worlds, and that is a very common feeling for many survivors of CSA. I told a friend here once that my life felt like I was "walking through an empty town". I got to work, do the life stuff that we all do, but in reality I feel like I am living in a world where there is no one else because I don't relate to anyone like I would really like to.

It sounds like there is denial in your family over the reality of some things, and that, too, is common in a lot of families that don't want to deal with the realities of abuse, unfortunately. The important thing to remember through all this is that any guilt or shame is not yours to own for what was done to you.

Keep talking here as much as you want to and when you want to. There's a lot of good guys here who understand.

_________________________
Eddie

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#240891 - 07/29/08 12:15 AM Re: and they keep coming and coming................ [Re: cole]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
cole,

Welcome to the site. :-)

I am sorry, truly...that your parents seem unable or, unwilling to be supportive.

Recovery is about, I think, empowering ourselves and challenging the old strategies we developed over the years to deal with the abuse.

If the legal system were able to bring about some satisfaction for you...care to say what that would mean to you?

Good luck.

And, again, welcome :-)


CD


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#240898 - 07/29/08 02:23 AM Re: and they keep coming and coming................ [Re: CDavid]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Jay:

Again, welcome. In Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS, he talks in depth about the reasons that parents didn't believe their child or what symptoms they ignored. This discussion starts at the bottom of page 49 and goes on through page 59, where the results of several studies are listed. In one study, only 4% of the parents didn't believe their children's accusations because they thought that the child might be lying.

I am another of the 4% crowd on that one. When I told my mother a week after my 15th birthday she assaulted me for falsely accusing her church friends to try to get out of trouble, and told me that she knew that I had to be lying because the guy was from "our church". Feel free to read my story on the public story board, where it is presented in two parts. I finally managed to get my mother to believe me and be supportive 25 years later, and we managed to establish and maintain healthy boundaries too. My dad died before I made much of my progress away from my ruinous past.

These days I am 8 years beyond my last in-person CSA support group, and have been off of my drug of choice for 8 years and 8 months. The last 8 & 1/2 years have been the best years of my life, proving that there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. You can get there too, my man.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#240900 - 07/29/08 02:58 AM Re: and they keep coming and coming................ [Re: CDavid]
cole Offline


Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 10
Loc: NC
It would mean exposing a person that has held church posistions and 14 years of boy scout leader. I have family members who have not survived and it would mean they did not go in vain. This is a second generation that has happened denying it has had dire results. We have denied too long. Doing the same thing over and over with the same negative consequences is insanity. I'll stop there.....

Thanks

cole

_________________________
"To always look life in the face...To always look life in the face and to know it for what it is and to know it for what it is not and then put it away." Virginia Woolfe, "The Hours"

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#240917 - 07/29/08 06:54 AM Re: and they keep coming and coming................ [Re: cole]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
cole,


Thank you.


I quit drinking twenty-three years ago. I remember, then...that I still stopped in, at the bar, after work with my friends because, well, I liked the connection, the friendship. It was familiar, comfortable. Beyond the difficulty of being around people that were still drinking, there was the fact that I had made a conscious decision not to. Some of my friends were offended by that.

One of the most difficult aspects of recovery, I think, is that, as we set out on this odysey...our families can be a tremendous source of understanding as far as how and why we arrived where we are. But self discovery and introspection suggest growth...and for the family where the rape of a child can so easily be dismissed...growth is not something of value...it is more often something to be feared.

For it to go on, as it does, there has to be a perpetrator, and, too, someone willing to look the other way. It happens in isolation and in isolation, very often, no new information is allowed in. The family not only resists growth, they will tell anyone that cares to listen how close they are.

And, you...have taken this huge step. To step out of the isolation.

Whatever your choice, whatever you decide...the guys here will be a source of support...but it is your decision, obviously. The cool thing is...that either way, whatever you decide...we will celebrate your decision in growth, not discourage it.

:-)


CD


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#241123 - 07/29/08 07:32 PM Re: and they keep coming and coming................ [Re: CDavid]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Tell our member Pufferfish about your experience with the Boy Scouts. I am sure that he would be willing to talk to you about them. My own mother is one of the highest-ranking members of her church in the western US. So I know a little bit about the kinds of abuse church leaders are capable of too.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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