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#237812 - 07/13/08 05:46 AM Acting Out Abuse -NEED HELP- Recovering Alcoholic
Zhope Offline


Registered: 07/13/08
Posts: 5
Loc: California
I have been sober from drugs and alcohol for 20 years and over the past 5+ years my addiction has taken on a new form of self destructive and abusive sadomasochistic sex. It throws me into depression and I have been to some SAA and other 12 meetings for sexual addiction.
I am realizing that I probably will never deal with my sexual addictions until I deal with my sexual abuse... However it is very confusing because I do not have clear memories of what happened... only bits and pieces!
I have put myself in some dangerous situations recently and I need help!!!!
If anyone has had any similar experiences and any advice I could really use someone to talk to...
Thanks

_________________________
________________________________________
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us!
-Marianne Williamson

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#237821 - 07/13/08 08:19 AM Re: Acting Out Abuse -NEED HELP- Recovering Alcoholic [Re: Zhope]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
It is most certianly the abuse surfacing that drives us to act out. Getting to the core and dealing with the abuse is the answer but don't beat yourself up. Go slow and get professional help, someone experienced in Male CSA.

The acting out part is so strange to me, it's like the mind trying to process the abuse, like a police detective going to the crime scene to gather information in order to put the case to rest. Capture the crook, lock him up and move on, he can't rest until this crime is solved much like we can't move forward in life until we solve our own case.

God bless,



Edited by John Oarc (07/13/08 08:23 AM)
_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#237822 - 07/13/08 08:46 AM Re: Acting Out Abuse -NEED HELP- Recovering Alcoholic [Re: John Oarc]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Until I deal with my sexual abuse...

I've spent alot of time trying to think my way through my abuse, what I didn't realize is the only way to heal effectively is to FEEL my way through it.

I am getting proffesional help, and advise you do to. What's more important than your mental health and well being?

I totally agree with what John Oarc has to say.

It is not easy, neither is getting sober, but it worth it just the same. (all the sexual stuff will be revealed through your healing process).

There is alot of good support here. You said you need help, you've come to the right place.

The best revenge is living a good life, time to get going.



_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#237881 - 07/13/08 02:45 PM Re: Acting Out Abuse -NEED HELP- Recovering Alcoholic [Re: 1islandboy]
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
You are not going to deal with your CSA overnight. Perhaps it would be a good idea to make an agreement with yourself that you will avoid the dangerous situations that you've put yourself in recently. Perhaps you could write yourself a contract and honor it. That may give you more of a solid boundary on this issue. Also, I agree with John Oarc on not beating up on yourself for it. Let it go and move on. Being hard on yourself can only hurt you and it could potentially make you more susceptible to repeating the same behavior.

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#237945 - 07/13/08 06:42 PM Re: Acting Out Abuse -NEED HELP- Recovering Alcoholic [Re: endlessjourney]
Zhope Offline


Registered: 07/13/08
Posts: 5
Loc: California
Thank you to everyone who responded to me... I posted this in another area and still trying to figure this whole forum thing out...
It helps just knowing I'm not alone.
I have been dealing with this -or not dealing with this- for over 15 years and I have been able to maintain a baseline of mental health and peace in my life through my recovery from my alcoholism. But the self destrutive acting out has taken a huge toll on me and I see how closely tied it is to my abuse.
My perp was my father and I confronted him 8 years ago only to be called a liar and to be ostracized by my family... me and my father did not speak for two years. I know he loves me and I believe he was only acting out of what was done to him but I am in this limbo now of what I needto do to take care of myself and being able to let my family , who is probably just as bruised and damaged as me, live and love.

I am new to this whole online chat room thing but if I am going to spend my time online I guess it beats surfing for porn and hookers :-)

If Anyone has info on a Good Theripist in the Los Angeles Area Please let me know!!!

Thanks Again
Troy

_________________________
________________________________________
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us!
-Marianne Williamson

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#237947 - 07/13/08 07:10 PM Re: Acting Out Abuse -NEED HELP- Recovering Alcoholic [Re: Zhope]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Troy,
Welcome to M/S.
I too have almost 20 yrs of sobrity. I also recently found this site because of my sexual acting act out.
I can really relate to what you are sharing. I too have been to different 12 steps in the area looking for help and the resources a slim but I am still looking. If you find any resources in the area let me know. If I can help in anyway pm me.
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#237962 - 07/13/08 08:44 PM Re: Acting Out Abuse -NEED HELP- Recovering Alcoholic [Re: michael banks]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Zhope,

Endlessjourney is right, your not going to deal with this overnight. Mike lew wrote a book called, Victims No Longer. He used the metaphor/term, "oddyssey", (the recovery process), meaning a voyage of discovery of a problem that has been hidden and discovery by the victims that they are not alone. Thats just PART, of that paragraph. Good book! Available through M.S. bookstore.

I might also add, this (self destructive and abusive sex), You might need better
reinforcement of boundaries. Ann Katherine, wrote a book titled, Boundaries, where you end and I begin, this book also helped me immensely. Available at hazelden.org

Books are good but, the therapist is still paramount in putting all the pieces together.

How much has your life improved since you got sober? The same holds true for C.S.A. (BOOKS, THERAPY, and meetings).

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#240904 - 07/29/08 03:46 AM Re: Acting Out Abuse -NEED HELP- Recovering Alcoholic [Re: 1islandboy]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, just a few thoughts from a sober 31 years, military ex alcoholic. I started my drinking career at 16 to try and forget my CSA, and to use it as a barrier to keep people from getting too close to me. After I had a very severe car wreck (drunk driving) on the island of Okinawa back in '77. And while I was laying in my bed in my quarters all bandaged up and my section NCOIC was there with me my four year old boy came into the bedroom and looking at me declared that ain't my daddy. Well after some deep thinking about just where this was going to end I turned myself over to the base social actions office, I had a captain as a counselor and he tried to get to the bottom of why I was an alcoholic, well I told him what he wanted to hear. But I DIDN'T TELL HIM That I was trying to forget about my CSA, so while I did take his advice and go to AA and sucessfuly took to the group and by my higher power (my 4 yr old son) I conqured my desire for alcohol. But right now I have a much tougher fight overcoming those deep CSA memories that have resurfaced. So I hope that you and the rest of us find that inner peace that we so deserve.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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