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#240896 - 07/29/08 01:45 AM *sigh*...confused....
Kent Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Denmark
Hey guys...

Sorry for ranting in my first post here. I'm just so hurt and confused right now, I don't know what to do about it.
Some months ago, when I had no economi, and no means of supporting myself, I had to turn tricks, and right now, I'm just afraid that my friends and family will get to know about it, and what they will say about itif they do.
I can handle / live with the fear...

But...what I have a hard time dealing with is the reason..
I know it isn't about the money, h*ll, I don't even need them,
but I doo need the closeness of someone, and maybe some kind of excuse of getting rid of them pretty fast...

Just wanted to ask if someone else have ever been in this position, that you long / go for closeness, you really don't want after all...

(sorry if it doesn't make any sense at all. Just trying to figure this thing out, and really doesn't have any answers right now)

/Kent

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Kernel panick: Can't mount /dev/brain - No such device

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#240918 - 07/29/08 07:06 AM Re: *sigh*...confused.... [Re: Kent]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Kent,


That does make sense, Kent, to me. I wanted the connection, to feel the closeness, but was ultimately afraid of what it would cost me.

Now...that makes sense in the context of our experiences, doesn't it? :-)

But being afraid of the cost, isn't necesarily the same thing as, "not wanting it."

Thanks for your post, Kent.

:-)


CD


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#240929 - 07/29/08 08:38 AM Re: *sigh*...confused.... [Re: CDavid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kent,

Welcome to MaleSurvivor. You're with friends here, bro, and it's great you're able to get started with such a huge issue. That shows a lot of courage and strength.

This kind of thing sometimes happens to survivors, and for specific reasons. When a boy is abused one feeling he gets is that his life is totally out of control. What else is he to think when even his body doesn't belong to him? So ending the abuse and restoring his sense of control come to be goals that are very closely linked in his mind.

Later on, when he's an adult, those feelings can still bother him, and one way guys find for coping is prostitution. This gives the guy a sense of control again because it's up to him to decide when, where, who, what, how much, and so on. But afterwards he will feel guilty and ashamed, or as in your case, he will want to get out of the situation as fast as possible. But these bad feelings just mean that the cycle will start all over again.

This is something that's best referred to a therapist, Kent. Please don't hesitate to take that step. Therapists have heard it all before and there's no shame in asking for the help you need. It's a big step, but a really important one.

Again, welcome to MS - you're safe here.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#241020 - 07/29/08 01:53 PM Re: *sigh*...confused.... [Re: roadrunner]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I tried turning a trick once. I don't really know what made me do it...other than maybe what rr said about wanting to use it as control--but the sight of a baseball bat in the guys room made me freak.

I convinced myself half way into it that he was, after it was finished, going to grab the bat and tell me to leave without paying me. That equaled no control. I started to feel like I was getting raped again and I grabbed the bat and made him give me money.

He first threatened to call the cops, and I said "OK, CALL the cops!" He just put twenty dollars down on a table by the door and let me take it. It's not an incident I feel good about, but it's just one of those learning things.

Sorry you need this place, but glad you are here. I don't really know what to say about your issues, but keep talking about them and bouncing them off of the good folks here and I'm sure you will make headway.

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My Art

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#241542 - 07/31/08 01:33 PM Re: *sigh*...confused.... [Re: blueshift]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Kent,
I too always wanted to be close to someone else.
To be in a loving relationship.
I would meet someone. Date them and have a good time.
But at some point my fear of intimacy would come up and I would either break it off real fast or I would make it unbearable for them until they left.
I do this with friendships too.Especially if I start feeling judge or not accepted.
This has caused alot of problems in both of my marriages but my present wife knows about my csa is real understanding when this issue comes up.
For me I am realizing that my abuse caused me to feel dammaged and unlovable.
So if I feel that I might get rejected (and mostly this is only in my head) I run away or I reject them first.

WElcome to m/s you are not alone.

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#241584 - 07/31/08 05:32 PM Re: *sigh*...confused.... [Re: michael banks]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Welcome, Kent - Yeah, tell me about this. A few years ago when I was 16 I got together with some real sexual users. I craved the love and relationship I never had with my abusive dad. The feeling never went away even though I never went back to that life style. I had a few one night stands and felt like crap over it. I'm not gay and don't have a problem with anyone who is. But I needed that male closness so much. Like I said, I craved it. I went out and tried to pick up someone a few years ago for the first time in a long time. It felt right, but after things started, I panicked and got out of there.

I think many of us had these scenes. I'm ashamed it happened and this is the first time I ever talked about it. I am not, however, ashamed to talk about and share it with my MS brothers here. They are truly the greatest men I know.

Lance


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#241599 - 07/31/08 08:28 PM Re: *sigh*...confused.... [Re: LW1527]
Kent Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Denmark
Hey guys..

@Larry..

Yeash, you're right. I Have been discussing the se thing with my T, but it haven't made me that much wiser (As I see it). I feel like crap about it a lot of the time, and really wonders "why".
Yeah, t that point in life I needed the money, but not any more so, than getting them through comittng crimes couldn't have solved it.I just didn't want to go down that road, so turning triks were the next best thing I guess.
But you're right, id did give ansense of control, and that was kind of nice in some way. and in some way, it really didn't. I I Could decide what would happen,. when and where, but always had to have my clients wished in mind, so much for control I guess, not to mention the vololent a**h*les out there..
So I guess all in all, control was just an illution...I don't now...

@Blueshift

Sorry you had to experience that dude \:\(
I'm just glad you had the courage to stand up for yourself, and get out of there. It could have ended badly )not that I say he would have used it for anything, but you never really now, do you ? )

@ Michael

Yeah..

I always wanted to be in a loving relationship, to have friends,
but when you got r*ped by youd dad, gangr*ped by 4 of you f*cking friends (or the ones you thought were your friends, you really don't trust anyone, and that sooo fails in some way.
It has cost me 4 relationships, and a marriage, and I don't really know if I have the strenght to try again, I just hope someday I will..

That's why I guess it is/was easier turning tricks in some way. You got the physical closeness, but could mentally close off, and keep your distance, and thus be safe (what ever that means)..
But, with that also came the self hate, and all the "old feelings", so it really isn't an option in sme way.
But yeah, running away or rejecting them, I do know about..
I guess I also do that a lot. It's easire for me to tell a john to go sc*w h*ms*lf, or shut down, than it is with someone I care about. So having someone close to me, menatally is, is dangerous in some way...or at least that's how it feels..

@Lance

Thanx \:\)

@all of you

Thanx \:\)

You have really given me something to think about and it is very much appreciated. This is a very tough sucject for me as I really don't want to / have anyone to talk to these thing abouts' out of fear for what they might say.
But you guys have shown me, that there indeed ARE good people out there, and for that I am happy, and very much relieved \:\)

**hugs**

Kent



Edited by Kent (07/31/08 08:29 PM)
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#241642 - 07/31/08 11:55 PM Re: *sigh*...confused.... [Re: Kent]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Hi Kent,

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I hope you are able to leave this all behind. I am glad you are making steps to do just that. I don't say this from a stance of condemnation or judgment. I say this from a heart of care and compassion. Ultimately, I think stuff like this only furthers our victimization. You deserve better than this.

I'm glad you are here Kent. You are among friends here. I hope you allow us to help care for you bud. And I am humbled to find that you are already reaching out and caring for others here too. It is evident you have a great heart Kent. Thank you.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#241690 - 08/01/08 08:20 AM Re: *sigh*...confused.... [Re: Barkabus]
Kent Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Denmark
Hey Mike

Yeah, I have to, there's no other choice I guess. The other day, when i turned down to clients, it actually felt good. Something in me just couldn't go through with it anymore. It's hard to be all smiles and sweet, when you're screaming inside, and just want to throw up, and can't get them out the door fast enough.

When in we're younger, it wasn't a problem, it was just a matter of being drunk or high enough, but I can't go on that way, I won't. So maybe things are actually changing, maybe I'm actually changing \:\)

I guess this time, the only one I we're fooling, we're myself.
I wanted some closeness, some confirmation, that I am / were worth something, and thought I could get it that way,
but the moore I think bout it, I realize it wasn't "me" they liked, but the role I was playing, so after all, maybe we ended up fooling each other...

**hugs**

Kent

_________________________
Kernel panick: Can't mount /dev/brain - No such device

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#241711 - 08/01/08 10:00 AM Re: *sigh*...confused.... [Re: Kent]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Kent - Glad you found MS. These are great men who are heroes to get up every morning and face their darkness, their unspeakable taboos. You are among friends and brothers here.


Lance


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