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#240797 - 07/28/08 08:02 PM How did you know...
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
This message is really for any survivors out there who might be able to help (or partners who can confidently speak on behalf of their survivors" - how did you know when you had reached the point when you needed help?

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#240803 - 07/28/08 08:11 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: Junefriday]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
When I realised I'd rather die than face him.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#240805 - 07/28/08 08:20 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: user2007]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm taking this from another post I posted, another gal asked me what caused my husband to open up to me and get into therapy, I wrote:
"I just asked hubby what it was that made him really get with the program so to speak and he said that number one I knew now and there was no going back, and secondly he was tired of living that way, he wanted to be more positive and to have a better life."

I have thought about it for awhile, I think number one I was making him look at the fact that he was abused and he couldn't keep hiding it, second, I was still going to be there loving him....but the rest is up him and he's just done it. I don't know why, and I wonder if the pain will overcome him again and make him shut down again, scares me daily....

June, I'm sorry you have been just beat up over all this. You are such a great person. I see you hanging in and with such hope, I want it to end well for you.

Hugs

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240807 - 07/28/08 08:26 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: dangal]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks Jen! I am hanging in for a simple reason - my husband is on vacation right now so I can be peacefully in denial. Hope is an interesting word...I keep hoping for a miracle.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#240812 - 07/28/08 08:39 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: dangal]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
For myself, I had an emotional breakdown after an event, the death of my Mother. I started looking at myself and how unhappy I was and started looking at issues that I had and the trail went back to abuse. I came into this journey fully convinced that a rape by a friends Mother was the entire problem with the issues I had. What I've come to find out (be able to face) is that the abuse by my Mother was a far greater issue than the rape.

I'm saying this because I feel that by looking at the rape and processing it and grieving my losses because of it, I became stronger and more confident that what was really the main issue could be, looked at, handled and conquered. My opinion is that I had filled up with issues, by making space in my mind and body (the body holds memories as well) I had the energy and more room to deal with the harder stuff.

Maybe partners would be more of a help if they could help make some room first. Smaller trauma's, we all have lots. It gives us the space to look at bigger things. Instead of the biggest issue, which I'm sure we can all agree is the sexual abuse. Start small, gain some victories, that things can be dealt with and I'm thinking the bigger ones may soon be things that can be dealt with as well.

Just thought's partners

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#240820 - 07/28/08 08:52 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: mogigo]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Thanks Mike, I'm taking that to heart. I think I've been doing that for him, but you gave it some words and it's easier to process what I am doing, and a nice pep talk to keep on doing it!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240823 - 07/28/08 09:00 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: mogigo]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I am speaking for my H, but we just discussed it in therapy so I pretty much know why he decided to deal. His brother was the perp. When my H and I got married, his brother didn't really bother with the family. After a few years his brother all of a sudden started hanging out again. Many of his nieces and nephews were reaching the age my H was when it started. My H also saw his brother doing things with the kids, "innocently" tickling and so forth. My H said he could not get the sick feeling out of his mind, and felt his brother was "grooming" the kids. After one of the nieces at that time was also sensing something, she would not go near this Uncle, and made no bones about it. My H thought he was the only victim, so he knew he would have to tell, so nothing would happen to the kids. He said he could not live with himself if anything did.

The sad part of this is NO ONE WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT IT. He was not the only victim of his brother, and everyone sided with the perp because no one wanted to deal with it. One sister even made him the godfather of her son, after knowing. we stopped speaking to all of them, and I think my H will never get the closer he needs because no one but him, thought the brother was a threat and he will never know if the kids wound up being safe or not.

I HATE IGNORANCE. NYDAISY


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#240828 - 07/28/08 09:07 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: NY Daisy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
What your husband did was very brave and very selfless. I'm sorry he won't get the closure he needs, but tell him (please, really tell him) he has the admirations of others.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240830 - 07/28/08 09:11 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: mogigo]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Honestly, frankly...I sealed it up pretty tightly, in retrospect.

We were self sufficient, taught to be and had to be, in my family. My father was a manic that needed to be taken care of, my mother was so deeply in denial...it still amazes me.

But, more to the point, I used what I had to get what I needed. Not too coincidentily I was attracted to someone that needed to be taken care of. She was attracted to someone that needed to take care of people. We fit together beautifully, at first.

It was not distance that caused our relationship to fail, it was the fact that we eventually became so enmeshed that there were no boundaries. I suffocated her with my need to take care of people, she was confused by what appeared, outwardly, to be love...but felt more like imprisonment. She sought out other sexual relationships and at the same time, we argued most, about frequency around sex. Once a day was rarely enough. Honestly, to me, it was the price to be paid for the relationship.

She came home one night, told me she was leaving because she had been to the doctor that day and had been diagnosed with a STD. She was sure that I would tell her to leave. It was about eleven o'clock at night, I went into my girls' bathroom, stood in the shower for about three hours. I could not get it out of me. My experienced started with rape at three. I called the therapist the day after.

If there was one message I would want to convey, it would be that we all bring our own baggage into a relationship, any relationship. As a survivor, generally speaking, we know all about the blame and shame game. No one, absolutely no one, who's boundaries have been so grievously violated, are going to respond well to blame and or shame.

I would suggest, perhaps pointedly, but with no disrespect...what brings us together, if left unchecked, often times rips us apart.


CD


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#240844 - 07/28/08 09:35 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: CDavid]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I was faced with a situation where my nephew, then 8 years old, was spending a lot of unsupervised time with my mother, the pedophile. I had to step in to protect him and his younger sisters.

If it wasn't for them, suicide would have been the easier option.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#240847 - 07/28/08 09:39 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: BJK]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm certainly glad it was for them \:\) You are another brave self less man!!!!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240851 - 07/28/08 09:44 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: CDavid]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Thank you Dangal. I will tell him that. I am very proud of him. I always like to see your posts. They are always positive, and you and your H are working together, to make it work. it's truly inspirational. That is what my H and I are working on now. I feel really good about the direction we are now going. A few weeks have made a big difference.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#240856 - 07/28/08 09:51 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: BJK]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
BJK,

You did a very brave thing. Anyone who can put the needs of another before their own, is truly one AWESOME person in my book. Pat yourself on the back BJK, you deserve it. I am proud of you. We need more people like you in the world.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#240878 - 07/28/08 10:40 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: BJK]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Cd, I am sorry you had to go through all that. It is not easy on anyone to be betrayed by the person who is supposed to love you. I can see how that brought out all of the earlier betrayals of trust. That must have been so hard for you. I sense from your posts that you are far into your recovery, may I ask how long ago it was? you really do seem to have a grip on it all. You must be so proud of your accomplishments.

Yes, we most certainly do bring baggage with us. When I met my H ,I was very upfront about what travels with me. My H however, his family came across as the Nelsons. They were picture perfect. I questioned little things here and there, but never expected what was lying underneath the rug.

This was 13 yrs ago, and we are still working on it, I am hopeful that we will continue to move foward together, for better and worse.

Warmly,NYDAISY


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#240910 - 07/29/08 05:19 AM Re: How did you know... [Re: NY Daisy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I'm afraid my story is rather different.

ever sinse I finished my degree, throughout the two years of my ma, when I was much more thrown on my own resources both for work and interactions with others, I became aware there was something going wrong. I started experiencing depression, and my concerns about physical contact got worse. I'd always assumed that if I met the right person, my remaining hang ups from my abuse would be dealt with, and everything would be fine, ---- but as time went on, and I became 23, then 24, it stil didn't happen.

i began disparing about it, stifling my own feelings for others, even making hurtful jokes about myself and generally withdrawing.

I stopped writing, and my academic work started progressively suffering, ---- sinse my work is always tied to my emotional state.

last may, after I moved out of colidge into my own flat, things tarted to get worse. I had a sudden flash back about my abuse, looked up Sa on wikipedia (even though typing in the S word was hard), and found this site, ---- but this surely couldn't apply to me?

It seems incredible to me now that I didn't notice the hours of depression, the fatigue, the panic at physical contact.

then, in september with the new academic year starting i decided to fix myself, ---- and it was then, at my light opera group that I did something very stupid, ---- and fell seriously in love.

it was the first time for several years that I hadn't stamped on my feelings for someone else, and unlike the two other times this happened, i heard no mention of someone else.

She was a fantastically nice person, willing to spend time with me, incredibly kind and full of life.

things got progressively worse over several weeks, and I started to feel more intensely than I had for years. it got to the point where I absolutely had to express my feelings for her, and that meant doing something really and truly terrifying, ---- not only did I have to ask her out and be a friend, i had to show my feelings to her. I don't know what I expected to happen, was I hopeful? I'm not sure, i just knew if I didn't say or do anything my head was going to explode, ---- this is a state I'd been in twice before, though this time (unlike on those two other occasions), there was no mention of a Bf.

so, after three weeks building up my courage it got to november. There was a concert, I asked her to meet me before hand. After the concert I took her hand for a few seconds. I can't describe how hard this was. Initially she was quite happy about it (she was naturally a very physical person anyway), but slightly later on, I think she worked out how I felt and very gently told me she was already with someone.

My reaction was incredibly extreme! I literally collapsed into tears, i'd gone through all that, ---- for nothing, and I couldn't help wondering what she must think of me. i appologised profusely.

i spent a night of crying, feeling guilty and hating myself more than ever before, ---- in the morning I even offered never to speak to her again.

It was at that point, that I realized not only was my abuse far from dealt with, but that if I didn't deal with it, I was looking at going through a pretty awful time for the rest of my life, and the right person wasn't going to just pop out of the blue, I had to get myself into a receptive state, which i certainly wasn't in, and never had been.

After admitting to myself that it needed dealing with, everything else came progressively, seaking a T, going on medication, applying to do my thesis part time. I didn't really like the idea of talking to a T about this, or taking medication, but after the initial admition, once I could see how any given thing would be helpful, I'd be willing to try it.

and to be honest, I'm stil trying.

yes, i'm pretty pathetic.



Edited by dark empathy (07/29/08 07:46 AM)

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#241000 - 07/29/08 01:10 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: dark empathy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Dark Empathy,
You are not pathetic. You are someone who unfairly was given a whole bunch of deep crap to dig out of. You have made some very important first steps! Admitting that you are being influenced by the abuse, talking to a therapist, and starting meds, all great steps towards taking your power back.

Life can be rough, just typical life. We all fall in love when it was not meant to be. We all have our hearts broken. Many of don't have the extra emotional burden that you have. Your foundation is damaged so every hit to you feels so much worse. I wish you nothing but luck in your journey \:\)

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#241704 - 08/01/08 09:39 AM Re: How did you know... [Re: dangal]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
June,

In my b/f's case, it was one that rarely works - I forced it. It was either therapy for him, or we were done. That was almost 3 years ago (wow, I can't believe it's been that long) There must have been a need/desire in him or it wouldn't have stuck this long. The T even gave him an out about a year into it and told him that if he thought all the problems were "fixed" he could stop therapy. He didn't think so (thank goodness) so on it goes.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#242431 - 08/05/08 06:15 AM Re: How did you know... [Re: Trish4850]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks everyone for your comments. Lots of great stories and many cases of bravery and selflessness.

The bottomline appears to be that there needs to be a compelling reason in the survivor's mind. The reason and rationale resting in the partner's mind is not sufficient. My therapist said "people often only seek help when the pain of doing nothing is greater than the pain of doing something". Sounds like a fairly accurate statement.

My H hasn't hit that level yet and I think I am partly to blame because I do everything he wants. I have been very cautious about being an "enabler" but he is extremely manipulative and I am backed in the corner in having to do everything if I want to ensure my OWN protection. I don't have many cards left to play nor do I want to continue to be in a marriage that just seems like a very bad and one-sided game. He says he wants out but then doesn't cooperate in my attempts to make that happen!!

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#242472 - 08/05/08 11:48 AM Re: How did you know... [Re: Junefriday]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
dear June, it sounds like your H is not ready to completely deal with this. It does take time, baby steps is how some men go, others dive right into the deep end, and others are somewhere in the middle. The process cannot be rushed, and he has to do it in the best way that is most comfortable for him.

You MUST take care of yourself. You need to put June first. Ask yourself this, WHAT IS BEST FOR JUNE?

June, you must take back your power. STOP, STOP, STOP, letting him manipulate you. Don't feed into it. It is not helping you and it is not helping him. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HIM? You said that you do everything he wants so that you ensure your own safety, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? The best thing you can do for yourself is to take back control of June. Tell him that you know what he is doing and it will not work anymore. Walk away from it, do not feed into it anymore.
Doing everything your H wants will not make your marriage better, you are not sure you even want to stay married, and neither is he, so what do you have to lose? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO GAIN? JUNE'S SELF ESTEEM, THAT'S WHAT. That's more important than anything else. If you do not reclaim your power, even if you and your H decide to stay together, you will be resentful and bitter over it, and worse you will blame yourself for it, when all you were doing was what you thought was best for the situation at the time. If you and your H split, you are now feeling bad about yourself, and you will struggle to find happiness, and might wind up in a similar situation with another partner.

I know it is not easy, and old habits are hard to break, but please try, for you. The first time you stick up for yourself without wavering, you will feel so good, you will want to do it again. This does not mean stooping to his level, you just calmly tell him no.

You are special, don't ever let anyone convince you otherwise.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#242694 - 08/06/08 12:13 AM Re: How did you know... [Re: Junefriday]
James Landrith Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 40
Loc: Alexandria, VA, USA
Originally Posted By: Junefriday
This message is really for any survivors out there who might be able to help (or partners who can confidently speak on behalf of their survivors" - how did you know when you had reached the point when you needed help?


When I was finally able to say "she raped me." I've spent 15 years as a secondary survivor to my wife.

When I finally admitted what had happened to me, I had all those years of experience to guide me to the quick decision that I was going to be falling apart hard and fast - which happened true to form. I reached out for help within weeks of admitting it to myself.

Without that experience via my wife, I may not have been able to do so as quickly. Bear in mind, this is not going to be typical for most male survivors.

_________________________
Member of RAINN Speakers Bureau and syndicated blogger
Good Men Project author
Vice President, Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma
http://jameslandrith.com

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#242707 - 08/06/08 12:56 AM Re: How did you know... [Re: James Landrith]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
James, sorry, I am not sure what you mean. Was your wife abused? did she abuse you?

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#242729 - 08/06/08 08:46 AM Re: How did you know... [Re: NY Daisy]
James Landrith Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 40
Loc: Alexandria, VA, USA
Originally Posted By: NY Daisy
James, sorry, I am not sure what you mean. Was your wife abused? did she abuse you?

Warmly, NYDAISY


My wife was raped. She was not my rapist.

_________________________
Member of RAINN Speakers Bureau and syndicated blogger
Good Men Project author
Vice President, Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma
http://jameslandrith.com

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#248604 - 09/08/08 08:26 AM Re: How did you know... [Re: dangal]
thumbelina23 Offline


Registered: 09/08/08
Posts: 5
Jen, how did you make him realize he was abused?


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#258196 - 10/26/08 11:02 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: BJK]
rchsweetie Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/06/08
Posts: 23
I think I can confidently say that he got help when I left him. I told him that I couldn't be with him unless he was in therapy. He had broken up with me, but I decided that this time was different, I wasn't going to let the cycle continue, and I stopped waiting for him to begin the healing process. Knowing that I was serious, I think, was a jolt to his system. It took him some time to realize 1. that I was serious and 2. that I was right, he needed help - and then he got it. And I was (still am) so proud of him.


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