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#240797 - 07/28/08 08:02 PM How did you know...
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
This message is really for any survivors out there who might be able to help (or partners who can confidently speak on behalf of their survivors" - how did you know when you had reached the point when you needed help?

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#240803 - 07/28/08 08:11 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: Junefriday]
user2007 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
When I realised I'd rather die than face him.

_________________________
"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer



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#240805 - 07/28/08 08:20 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: user2007]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm taking this from another post I posted, another gal asked me what caused my husband to open up to me and get into therapy, I wrote:
"I just asked hubby what it was that made him really get with the program so to speak and he said that number one I knew now and there was no going back, and secondly he was tired of living that way, he wanted to be more positive and to have a better life."

I have thought about it for awhile, I think number one I was making him look at the fact that he was abused and he couldn't keep hiding it, second, I was still going to be there loving him....but the rest is up him and he's just done it. I don't know why, and I wonder if the pain will overcome him again and make him shut down again, scares me daily....

June, I'm sorry you have been just beat up over all this. You are such a great person. I see you hanging in and with such hope, I want it to end well for you.

Hugs

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240807 - 07/28/08 08:26 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: dangal]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks Jen! I am hanging in for a simple reason - my husband is on vacation right now so I can be peacefully in denial. Hope is an interesting word...I keep hoping for a miracle.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#240812 - 07/28/08 08:39 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: dangal]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
For myself, I had an emotional breakdown after an event, the death of my Mother. I started looking at myself and how unhappy I was and started looking at issues that I had and the trail went back to abuse. I came into this journey fully convinced that a rape by a friends Mother was the entire problem with the issues I had. What I've come to find out (be able to face) is that the abuse by my Mother was a far greater issue than the rape.

I'm saying this because I feel that by looking at the rape and processing it and grieving my losses because of it, I became stronger and more confident that what was really the main issue could be, looked at, handled and conquered. My opinion is that I had filled up with issues, by making space in my mind and body (the body holds memories as well) I had the energy and more room to deal with the harder stuff.

Maybe partners would be more of a help if they could help make some room first. Smaller trauma's, we all have lots. It gives us the space to look at bigger things. Instead of the biggest issue, which I'm sure we can all agree is the sexual abuse. Start small, gain some victories, that things can be dealt with and I'm thinking the bigger ones may soon be things that can be dealt with as well.

Just thought's partners

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#240820 - 07/28/08 08:52 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: mogigo]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Thanks Mike, I'm taking that to heart. I think I've been doing that for him, but you gave it some words and it's easier to process what I am doing, and a nice pep talk to keep on doing it!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240823 - 07/28/08 09:00 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: mogigo]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I am speaking for my H, but we just discussed it in therapy so I pretty much know why he decided to deal. His brother was the perp. When my H and I got married, his brother didn't really bother with the family. After a few years his brother all of a sudden started hanging out again. Many of his nieces and nephews were reaching the age my H was when it started. My H also saw his brother doing things with the kids, "innocently" tickling and so forth. My H said he could not get the sick feeling out of his mind, and felt his brother was "grooming" the kids. After one of the nieces at that time was also sensing something, she would not go near this Uncle, and made no bones about it. My H thought he was the only victim, so he knew he would have to tell, so nothing would happen to the kids. He said he could not live with himself if anything did.

The sad part of this is NO ONE WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT IT. He was not the only victim of his brother, and everyone sided with the perp because no one wanted to deal with it. One sister even made him the godfather of her son, after knowing. we stopped speaking to all of them, and I think my H will never get the closer he needs because no one but him, thought the brother was a threat and he will never know if the kids wound up being safe or not.

I HATE IGNORANCE. NYDAISY


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#240828 - 07/28/08 09:07 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: NY Daisy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
What your husband did was very brave and very selfless. I'm sorry he won't get the closure he needs, but tell him (please, really tell him) he has the admirations of others.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240830 - 07/28/08 09:11 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: mogigo]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Honestly, frankly...I sealed it up pretty tightly, in retrospect.

We were self sufficient, taught to be and had to be, in my family. My father was a manic that needed to be taken care of, my mother was so deeply in denial...it still amazes me.

But, more to the point, I used what I had to get what I needed. Not too coincidentily I was attracted to someone that needed to be taken care of. She was attracted to someone that needed to take care of people. We fit together beautifully, at first.

It was not distance that caused our relationship to fail, it was the fact that we eventually became so enmeshed that there were no boundaries. I suffocated her with my need to take care of people, she was confused by what appeared, outwardly, to be love...but felt more like imprisonment. She sought out other sexual relationships and at the same time, we argued most, about frequency around sex. Once a day was rarely enough. Honestly, to me, it was the price to be paid for the relationship.

She came home one night, told me she was leaving because she had been to the doctor that day and had been diagnosed with a STD. She was sure that I would tell her to leave. It was about eleven o'clock at night, I went into my girls' bathroom, stood in the shower for about three hours. I could not get it out of me. My experienced started with rape at three. I called the therapist the day after.

If there was one message I would want to convey, it would be that we all bring our own baggage into a relationship, any relationship. As a survivor, generally speaking, we know all about the blame and shame game. No one, absolutely no one, who's boundaries have been so grievously violated, are going to respond well to blame and or shame.

I would suggest, perhaps pointedly, but with no disrespect...what brings us together, if left unchecked, often times rips us apart.


CD


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#240844 - 07/28/08 09:35 PM Re: How did you know... [Re: CDavid]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I was faced with a situation where my nephew, then 8 years old, was spending a lot of unsupervised time with my mother, the pedophile. I had to step in to protect him and his younger sisters.

If it wasn't for them, suicide would have been the easier option.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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