i woke up this morning,and became aware of an internal bitterness.
it's like i could close my eyes and see green.

the abuse started at 6 or 7 and immediately it was used as a tool
to divide me from my best friend by a new boy on the block.

since that day, my self esteem and neighborhood acceptance plummeted - my athletic skills and confidence disappeared.

i developed dark circles under my eyes and grew to question motives.

in some ways i know i am strong - and 'courageous' where others aren't

but the simplist of relationships are very hard for me -
as i know they are for others here -

i think church is important to me

becoming increasingly important to me -

and not just faith.

for better or worse i am a scaredy cat.
scared of my self and others.

though at times i can appreciate others appreciably - so

it's been said... it's seems at the expense of my self.

i think i want to be part of the equation.

i think as i get to know myself and how i feel about things

i know church is important to me.

in all honesty this could be a 'saturday after' kind of post

yet - i kind of want to relax with friends - and not always feel like it's a recipe for disaster...

i am an adult with adult motivations at this point.
i just wish i had gotten to be a kid.

Hi Mark,

I wish you had just gotten to be a kid, too. Well, for me, too. I think you ARE very courageous and strong, too, Mark. It takes a lot of stength and courage to talk about this stuff, and that shows in you.

Church is important to me, too. I went this morning and as we were singing a song, tears welled up in my eyes and I had to fight them back. It was a song about how God loves us and for some reason, I was feeling that deeply. For some reason, the concept of God loving me always evokes a strong emotion in me.

Many thanks Eddie.