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#240548 - 07/27/08 02:03 PM I FORGIVE THEM
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6420
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I do not intend this as material for debate. I do not post this in a "you should too" mode. I have posted SO much here about my un-willingness to forgive the perps and to forgive the town and to forgive humanity, that I feel I ought to post my new view on it. I also want you all to know my heart just lost a 40lb weight as well.

Many of you know my story and know that I have progressed from wanting revenge to refusing to forgive them. I eventually realized that revenge, by my hands, is me telling God I don't trust he'll do an adequate job at dealing with them. Non-forgiveness takes a similar position. In addition, it is me telling Jesus that I am more deserving of forgiveness than they are. Furthermore, if Jesus will forgive them upon their request, who am I to not forgive.

I learned today that I do not truly forgive them if I don’t wish them well...that if I wish devastation and pain upon them, I have not truly forgiven. I agree. So I also wish them well.


So here it is:

Dean
John
Jeffrey
Mark

I forgive you for what you did to me. I need to seek no explanations, no justifications, no spin. I forgive you and wish you well.

To my little home town:

You seem to be actively in the same mode that you were in when I was being hurt. I hope and pray that you change for the better. I know there are other children in the same position I was in. I hope and pray you will become an aid to them...a rescuer. You are what you are. You were what you were. I forgive you and wish you well.

Thank you Lord for thrusting me into this new view and willing forgiveness.


_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#240560 - 07/27/08 03:41 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: Still]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
This is an amazing post, Rob.

I just want to share a little about my recovery that falls directly along these lines.

Every once in a while, even these days, I run across a new aspect of my personality that I feel the need to forgive my mother for. I need to forgive myself first for having the personality trait, and then I need to forgive my mother for passing the trait on to me. Each time this comes up, the process becomes easier.

I can say with absolute sincerity that I forgive my mother for all of that I am aware of that she has done to me. I have a desire to forgive her for all of the things she has done to me that I have yet to find out. It never came easy for me, but when you say, "I also want you all to know my heart just lost a 40lb weight as well." I can totally relate. It is because of that 40 lb weight that I find forgiveness necessary.

I have to say, "congratulations", and thank you so much for sharing.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#240563 - 07/27/08 04:07 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: Still]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Wow Rob! I am honored to be here to see you come to this point. This is a mighty huge step you have taken today.

You GO! Dude!

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#240565 - 07/27/08 04:35 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: Barkabus]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Rob,
You have release yourself from one of the chains that keeps us in bondage.
You are an inspiration!
Your brother in CHRIST.
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#240576 - 07/27/08 05:57 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: michael banks]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
{{{{{Rob}}}}}

I hope this is a turning point, Rob. Holding onto the hatred of the abusers and wishing terrible things upon them because of what they did to me was destroying me inside. It appears as if you came to that same point of discovery and knew you had to let it go. I'm pleased to see this moment come for you.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#240594 - 07/27/08 06:55 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: WalkingSouth]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11075
Loc: Denver, CO
"I learned today that I do not truly forgive them if I don’t wish them well..."

Goodness, Rob, what a step! It takes some time to get to where we can impart that kind of grace, yes?

\:\)

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#240623 - 07/27/08 10:31 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: FormerTexan]
Pete2004 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina
Rob:

Wow! You have learned and experienced a powerful and eternal truth.... This truth transends distance and time.

Forgiveness releases the forgiver.

Your post is making me look into my own heart and evaluate my own attitudes towards others.

Thank you for sharing this with us,

Peter

_________________________
There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

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#240634 - 07/27/08 11:19 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: Pete2004]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6420
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
WHAT GOT ME THERE TODAY - after wrestling with this for a LONG time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVBi7Va1Yf4&feature=related



_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#240882 - 07/28/08 11:04 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: Still]
Pete2004 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina
Robbie:

This is incredible as well as powerful! Thanks for sharing it. So is the one that follows as well......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbUT23OvTf8&NR=1

Thanks for pointing me to them.

Peter

_________________________
There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

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#240915 - 07/29/08 06:18 AM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: Pete2004]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rob,

You give me a lot to think about. I have always sworn that i would NEVER forgive the perp for what he did to me - not ever. I would write him out of my life, but forgiveness? Yeah, right.

You're making me look at things in a different way and I'm thinking I need to do that. I have no idea where I will go with this, but thanks for getting me started!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#240951 - 07/29/08 10:31 AM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: roadrunner]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6420
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I'm a couple of days into this "forgive-them" mode. My heart is still 40 lbs lighter. It is in fact "light."

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#240957 - 07/29/08 10:47 AM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: Still]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Rob,
You also have me thinking about my perp. brother. Like Larry posted b/4 me, I have/had no desire or any thoughts regarding forgiveness toward my brother. I am having a hard time trying to understand how he could have used and abused me, now over 40 some years ago, and not ever mentioning or even a hint to me that he was sorry for what he did. He calls me at Christmas and for my birthday every year. Never a mention of the past. Well, next month after I confront him, I am sure the tables will be turned.

But, I am now thinking more about letting go and putting my trust in God. In the end he does have to answer to God. You definitely have my mind thinking. Perhaps after I confront I will be able to let go.

I am really happy for you.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#240994 - 07/29/08 12:57 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: KENKEN]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I am really happy for you too Robbie!

Best, Dawg

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#241039 - 07/29/08 02:44 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: hogan_dawg]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I have to point out again what an awesome thread this is.

Yes, I do think that forgiveness is an essential part of the recovery process, but I have also come to realize that forgiveness simply cannot be forced. In order to get to this point, we need to deal with our anger. We need to vent it...let it out...force it out. One day, we will wake up and realize that the anger is all gone, and what's left in its place is forgiveness.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241072 - 07/29/08 03:53 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: BJK]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6420
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Bryan,

There is one bit of forgiveness I'm still working on. You can probably guess what/who is involved.

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

Top
#241075 - 07/29/08 03:56 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: Still]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Yep...I sure can, Rob. The most important one of all.

As well as the most difficult.

Bryan



Edited by BJK (07/29/08 03:57 PM)
_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241081 - 07/29/08 04:15 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: roadrunner]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Rob,

I have to add something. Look at this thread. At least two people have responded here saying that you have changed their perspective. By my count, that is two people with whom you have made a positive influence.

I think if you look, you'll eventually begin to find that there is someone there that deserves to be forgiven. He's done a lot of good in his life, even with only this thread, and at some point, that has to start outweighing the bad.

But, you know....that's also the one part of this journey you have to do on your own.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241087 - 07/29/08 04:37 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: roadrunner]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Thanks Robbie for the post. I absolutely love what you have done for yourself. To me, you have reached the final stage of your recovery.

Forgiveness is what I have been searching for. I want to completely forgive all of my perps, all of them. I have been trying to do that.

All of my situations are different from each other and it is hard for me to how to FEEL the forgiveness because I am clouded with feelings that I do not understand. i can say that I forgive, but to actually feel it is difficult and I don't know how to do that yet.

God is good and never bad. Who am I that I can hold onto any anger and/or resentments?

I'm really glad that you forgave everyone. I am constantly reaching for that goal, and really mean it and feel it. I don't know how you did it, but you did. By God's grace, I will, too.

God bless, Robbie, and everyone who posted.
John, The Music Man.


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#241088 - 07/29/08 04:40 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: MusicMan]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Rob,

I'm learning a lot from your example here with this. I'm hoping to get there some day myself with those from my past, and seeing you reach that point has given me a lot of hope for myself. Thanks for sharing this with us, it means a lot.

_________________________
Eddie

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#241114 - 07/29/08 07:19 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rob,

Man, am I ever learning from this thread! So much to think about. Thanks again for sharing this courageous step with us. You have taken one of the oldest and most frequent topics on the Discussion Board and totally owned it, and with such clarity and peace. I think that's what moves me most about it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#241461 - 07/30/08 11:10 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: roadrunner]
ObiWan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 35
Loc: Florida, USA
Robbie,

I am dealing a lot with forgiveness right now, myself and my perps, who were both of my parents. Very, very hard to do. I love what you are doing man, it gives me strength and courage to carry on.

Thanks for helping me so much.

Jeff

_________________________
WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008
WOR Alumni Alta Sept. 2008
My whole life has changed in the past year...
divorced, but have begun living again
and trying to thrive...


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#241472 - 07/30/08 11:50 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: ObiWan]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I'd like to thank you as well for putting my mind on something I probably need to deal with. I will probably want to share these thoughts/questions, but want to do it on my own post so as not to wander too far off the main theme of celebrating what must be an exciting quantum leap for you.

_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#241484 - 07/31/08 01:09 AM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: Still]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6866
Loc: USA
Rob,

This is so, so right. Thanks so much, good buddy!

This is really a big encouragement.

I still struggle a bit with the biggy perp when I was 12. All I can do now is say to God:

"God, this is too big for me. Please, you give me the strength to forgive this one."

Puffer


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#241486 - 07/31/08 01:41 AM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: roadrunner]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 859
Loc: washington
40lbs. is a lot of weight, whether through pardoning or forgiveness is HUGE...!!!

Finally a ticket, to set YOUR spirit free! I have gone, out of body, where eagles dare!

This is now possible for YOU!

The BEST revenge is living a good life!

island

p.s. Fly up to the angels. (Slaughter)

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#241854 - 08/01/08 08:47 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: roadrunner]
ObiWan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 35
Loc: Florida, USA
Hi Robbie,

I know you don't know me very well. We've just been in 2 healing circles together, and you have shared a lot of yourself. I have read a lot of your posts though, so I feel as though I know you.

I am writing to thank you.

I have been struggling for a couple of weeks now with "Does God Love me? Am I lovable in his eyes? With all that I have done right and especially wrong in my life, will God still accept me for who I am?" These are tough issues for me. My mother usurped my life. She even tried to steal and rape my relationship with my God. And I bowed to that assumed power for a lot of years, even while my father was physically raping me.

I am writing to thank you because, you helped me to cross through a doorway. A doorway called forgiveness. A doorway I thought I would never reach, never open, and never cross through. I am at a point now where I can forgive my perpetrators, and part of this is because of your strength and courage. Your own ability to forgive. I have learned a lot about forgiveness recently, and what it means. And I too feel changed forever.

Thank you.

I will post 2 letters, one to each of my parents, sharing that forgiveness.

I hope you will read them.

To our continued healing,

Your friend in recovery,

Jeff Parker

_________________________
WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008
WOR Alumni Alta Sept. 2008
My whole life has changed in the past year...
divorced, but have begun living again
and trying to thrive...


Top
#241882 - 08/01/08 11:01 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: ObiWan]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Hey Rob:

That's great. You have passed a major recovery milestone and in doing so have become an inspiration to those who are still struggling. Thanks for sharing everything that you have. Keep up the good work.

Your friend Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#241989 - 08/02/08 05:09 PM Re: I FORGIVE THEM [Re: Still]
conflicted Offline


Registered: 08/02/08
Posts: 45
Loc: Greenville, SC
Robbie,

THIS IS HUGE!!! We affirm your remarks, wholeheartedly!!! When I crossed this bridge... btw I had a hard time burning it, God reminded me that forgiveness is a God-thing, and when we forgive those who have hurt us so deeply, we are reflecting His image to all who look on... with amazement!!! You know what... it's all about God anyway, and I am amazed how many I have been able to help who have been abused or struggle with SSA. Every day is a new day... filled with God's best. Here are four principles that have helped to transform my thinking.

1)God's Love for me is UNCHANGING. Regardless of my failures, His love for me is UNCONDITIONAL!

2)God's Purpose for me is Christ-likeness. So EVERY EVENT-GOOD AND BAD, is designed to bring me to this point. God never does anything to hurt us, but only to help us. I must admit I have a hard time wrapping my arms around this one.

3)God's Word to me is the final right answer. "His Word is a Lamp Unto My Feet and A Light to My Path."

4)God's GRACE for me is SUFFICIENT.
Just a few thoughts to encourage you as they have me!

Press for the Mark! Thanks for sharing and IMPACTING others!!!
Bill

_________________________
Masquerades are a lot of fun, until you see it is really your life.


my story...finally out *triggers*

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