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#2404 - 08/02/04 12:22 AM .
Howster Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/16/04
Posts: 28



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#2405 - 08/02/04 12:36 PM Re: .
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
My story is probably similar to yours. When I first entered recovery for sexual addiction, I told my sponsor something that I thought would surprise him. That the actual act of sleeping with a woman was almost irrelevent. It was the scheming and preparation that was overwhelmingly appealing to me. By the time I actually got into bed with a woman, I was already feeling sad. Wise man that he is, he pointed out that while I may have thought I was chasing sex, it was adrenaline I was actually seeking.

After talking with my doctor about it, I came to realize that when I was younger, I developed a terrific ability to withstand stress. The flip side of that is that normal, every day situations that don't produce fear are gruelingly tedious. As an exercise, I listed the adrenaline producing activities I've engaged in, and it opened my eyes. I have driven racing cars, driven illegally at high speeds, provoked lots of fights (many of which I lost badly), gone jogging in the housing projects at 1 a.m., taken and sold drugs, stolen, worked in deadline oriented jobs, etc. The list goes on.

As I got older, and settled, I closed off more and more of these opportunities for getting the adrenaline rush. I'm in no shape to go out to the bars and pick fights any more. I moved into management in a slower-paced environment. Etc. But then I discovered the perfect middle-aged adrenaline rush -- having affairs. It became an all-consuming drive. I sought women through personal ads incessantly. I can't count how many online identities I had. I got to the point where I would break it off with one woman and resolve never to have another affair. Within less than day, I'd have new personal ads up and running. I felt like I wasn't just leading two lives, I was juggling seven lives. My inability to stop this behavior ultimately led me to seriously consider suicide. It may sound insane -- I know it does to me -- but the mix of secrecy, danger, sex was irresistable to someone whose earliest sexual memories entailed that kind of secrecy and shame.

I have to admit that getting sober was a mixed blessing. I am of course happy that I'm not behaving the way I was. But it forced me to look closely at the ways abuse affected me, and that's been a more painful process than I ever wanted to face.


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#2406 - 08/02/04 01:22 PM Re: .
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
This may seem out of line or insensitive, it isn't meant that way. But I think it might have been more interesting to have a sexual addiction rather than a sexual aversion. Do you know how many times I could have gotten laid if I had only let my eyes fall in the right place?

I am just the opposit from you. That makes it difficult to give good advise. Too bad we cant strike a good ballance among us.

Aden


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#2407 - 08/02/04 01:48 PM Re: .
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Aden

to balance the scales, I have to admit, I was the same as you, my aversion was part, that I thought I had caught an STD, and part of the way sex seemed so utterly filthy.

I even remember bauking at the thought in my early teens, there have been so many missed chances, even when I got there, the shit would always block emotions to some degree, or my different lifestyle of needing space, you know what I am saying?

There were so many women, some I lost, some, they lost me.

Can I ask is it the eye movement you think maybe the answer, I've largely managed to control that, without therapy.

take care

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#2408 - 08/02/04 02:13 PM Re: .
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Yes, it is in the eyes. Of course it is also in the intention. But the eyes are where the intention is made known. This is one of those few things about which I am sure. The thing is, it isn't in their eyes where you will see it. It is in your eyes that you will show it.

Hell, that is a load of crap! But it sounds good. The truth is, it is in the eyes where souls meet. The situations where you choose to make eye contact often determin the course of your life.

Aden


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#2409 - 08/02/04 02:19 PM Re: .
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
Interesting that you guys have the reverse experience. In recovering, one of the things they warn you about is how quickly addiction can turn in to sexual anorexia. Once you start to associate the drive with its origins, it can easily become so disturbing you avoid sex altogether, or you simply don't respond to the signals that bring about healthy sex.

I agree; what we all need is the healthy balance that comes from never having been molested in the first place. Barring that, I guess we get to keep looking for some balance on our own.

It strikes me that is the real crux of the problem we face in being survivors. We're always trying to create the mechanisms for responding "normally" to events and situations, but there really is no guide for doing that. While others can respond effortlessly and without being self-conscious, so much of my energy is tied up in figuring out if my natural response to something is appropriate that I'm warn out from just simple interactions.


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#2410 - 08/02/04 02:34 PM Re: .
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
So, does that mean that sexual abhorance can turn into sexual addiction? I am waiting!!!!!!!!!!!

That was a joke. Probably in bad taste. Sorry.

Aden


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#2411 - 08/02/04 02:58 PM Re: .
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
LOL!

I do know that anorexia can swing back to addiction. But usually we in recovery are hoping against it.

But if you ever need help in writing a personals ad, let me know !!!


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#2412 - 08/02/04 03:20 PM Re: .
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
It was not my intention to deflect the original point of this post. I am sure it is hard to deal with sexual addiction and acting out.

Were I cursed with the same thing, by now I would be dead. It is the reluctance to get involved that has kept me safe from things like AIDS and other nasty stuff.

Still, I wish that I had been more open to the sexual creature that I am.

Aden


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#2413 - 08/02/04 03:43 PM Re: .
Howster Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/16/04
Posts: 28
Yes, it seems that going over-the-top with sex or not wanting it at all are 2 familair extremes to a lot of survivors.

That was some very eloquent writing there, Dan, by the way. I can relate to the tedium of normality that you mentioned - a settled relationship becomes so boring that I get claustrophobic. It doesn't have that adrenaline, like your sponsor suggested. And, of course, the more inappropriate the situation, the more adrenaline there is. My first girlfriend was engaged when I met her - my next girlfriend was married. I "saved" them, like a hero, from their uncaring insensitive men who didn't understand them - just like I did with my mother.

And so, like you all, I try to sort out which thoughts and feelings are the ones that I should listen to and act from. But that sounds like the beginning of another topic...

Howard


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