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#239994 - 07/24/08 02:56 PM Mom Problems
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
I can't live with this. I live under tremendous guilt heaped on me from my mom because I don't meet her expectations. I am not available to her as often as she wants. She thinks I don't want to have anything to do with her which, ironically, is a self-fulfilling prophecy because her subtle manipulations drive me farther away. She is ashamed and embarrassed of me especially in the presence of others who know my little secret (CSA and the garbage that comes with it).

People tell me I need to take care of myself and take time for myself. My recovery needs to come first. Well, when I do why do I feel so much self-hate for not spending more time with my mom? I hate this. I hate this guilt. I hate my gut always being knotted up whenever I'm around my mom. I hate not being who I am supposed to be. I surrender.

_________________________
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#239999 - 07/24/08 03:26 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
Barkabus, I understand what you're going through because I have faced the same from friends, family, coworkers etc.
As you said your recovery is going to mean time to yourself. First, those that are closes to you should know what you're going through and be very understanding. Just as you should towards their feelings. There shouldn't be any manipulation going on. If you love someone you don't want to control them and you understand their life is theirs to live how they choose. Your mother does need to understand this, so try conveying this to her in a respectful manner. If she doesn't really understand after you've explained things to her you really need to move on to recovery. Its like a child leaving the nest for the first time its not easy on the parents, but you have to go out and live your own life. Besides you need to meet new people that are less judgmental. You can do it, 'cause I did.
God bless.



Edited by StartingOver08 (07/24/08 03:27 PM)

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#240014 - 07/24/08 05:08 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: StartingOver08]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Here's a bit of history regarding my mom:

Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend

More "Mom" Crap

_________________________
My Story

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#240015 - 07/24/08 05:13 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
Let's do this by the numbers:

1) "...I don't meet her expectations. I am not available to her as often as she wants."
- Well, this is her issue to deal with. If she has set her expectations too high for you, or cannot be content with where you are in your life, transfer that guilt back onto her shoulders and let her bear that cross. Your schedule also goes in this vein too. Alas, all this is my humble opinion. It's worth what you paid for it too!

2) "She is ashamed and embarrassed of me especially in the presence of others who know my little secret..."
- See Note 1 above. Substitute appropriate wording.

3) Now you get to the physical reaction. Stomach knotting, as you know, is often related to stress. So it sounds like you're stressed whenever you're around her. See disclaimer about opinion above.

4) Your emotional reaction (i.e. self-hate) is understandable. If #3 is true, then why would you want to spend more time with your mom? Doesn't sound like you need to be hating yourself over this.

BTW, lemme paraphrase one of "The Substitute" movie titles:

SURRENDER IS NOT AN OPTION!

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#240030 - 07/24/08 07:16 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: LN3(SS)]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
Thank you LN3(SS). Barkabus please listen to what we're saying, break free for your own sake. Time for you to depart the nest is way over due. Stop being sucked into her psychological game. You've out grown your mother and need to leave the nest.


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#240054 - 07/24/08 08:50 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: StartingOver08]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
...and then, there is the always popular, "Mothers know which buttons to push...because they installed them."

A friend of mine got a call one day...they had rushed his mother to the hospital. When he hung up the phone, he said, "Why do I keep hearing that song from the Wizzard of Ozz?" I was trying to think of which one he meant, when he said, "You know...Ding dong the witch is dead."

No, she didn't die....but it looked like it was such a relief for him to say.

Mothers is hard.


:-)


CD


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#240057 - 07/24/08 09:21 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: CDavid]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
The mother child relationship should be so simple, but the reality is it isn't a TV show or a soft smooshy movie. All mothers aren't the selfless creatures we'd like them to be and all children aren't dressed in blue and white sailor suits without a stain on them. Mother's can be needy, I admit to feeling that way sometimes and putting pressure on my daughter that she can't and shouldn't have to handle; I ultimately realize that it's MY problem, but sometimes it takes a few hours or even days for me to come down. Some people, mother's included, just don't. We are imperfect people. What does that mean for you? Do what's right for YOU! without causing harm to her, an imperfect person. There is no reason for you to feel guilty for not meeting all of her needs; that's not your job.

I've heard some people say that parents "deserve" this or that because they had children. I 100% believe the opposite. Yes, they gave us life, but we didn't ask for it. Parents deserve respect, if earned; they deserve love, if they give it, but the fact that they performed an act of passion that resulted in a child doesn't earn any points in my book unless they take it to the next level.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#240058 - 07/24/08 09:52 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: StartingOver08]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Quote:
Time for you to depart the nest is way over due. Stop being sucked into her psychological game. You've out grown your mother and need to leave the nest.


I have been independent for many years. I moved out of my parents house at 19 in 1985. I have lived over 1000 miles from my parents for over 10 years and that was after 6 successful years in the Navy. My dad died in 2000. 4 years after that my mom decided to move to my town. Now she lives a mile away. I have left the nest and have done OK. After 22 years though, the nest came back to me. Now I am dealing with a mom who, after disclosing my CSA to two months ago, is struggling with the a son who isn't what she wanted.

Perhaps there is some self-pity here. I DO have to get over that but that doesn't make it any less painful. It's easy to just heartlessly cut off ties. I can't and won't do that unless there is no other choice. I just want to do the right thing. And sometimes the right thing isn't necessarily always doing what I WANT to do.

I DO need to establish healthy boundaries with mom. When I first mentioned this to mom she was incensed by the idea. She demanded I tell her what these boundaries are, in detail. I can't do that, and won't. But there is some level of reasonableness to her question after removing her emotion.

Anyways, I know there is work here to be done. I'm not whining about it...but I am sharing my gut wrenching frustration and anxiety over it.

Thanks for the support and suggestions. Please keep them coming.

Mike



Edited by Barkabus (07/24/08 09:56 PM)
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#240065 - 07/24/08 10:27 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Mike,

I do not read or hear self pity or whining in what you are writing.

Your mother moved, you say, to be closer to you. So, you were comfortable with the relationship as it was...she seems unable to do that. But, what about your older brother?

Care to say what you would have liked to hear from your mother when you disclosed?

I know...after I disclosed to my mother, when the dust settled, I asked her why she thought my father would do the things he did. She, very casually said, "To get back at me (her)."

Right about then, I understood the concept that, "There is nothing wrong with loving someone. But, there is no guarentee that they will not pervert it."

I do love her, but cannot be around her.


:-)


CD


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#240074 - 07/24/08 10:47 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Trish4850]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Mike:

My mom heaps the guilt and shame on me every time that we talk. I'm the only member of the family without a 4-year degree. In fact, I am the only member of the family who does not have an advanced degree and the only one who does not work in a professional white-collar occupation. I did make over a half million in the last 10 years, but that isn't good enough if it involves the same blue-collar occupation that her dad worked-in. Her dad did well enough to send her to Wellesley College though.

Now that I am on medical disability making the grossly inferior sum of $87 per day, she has again offered to send me back to college so that I can finish my degree. Problem #1: Who is going to make my $2800 in monthly payments including my $1500 mortgage payment? Problem #2: The field that I already have 79 credit-hours in is highly susceptible to recessionary times and those 79 credits are in Cleveland, OH, a major city with 20% unemployment. Cleveland is also a place where I have no desire to return to.

I could use the majority of my credits to head in the direction of an LCSW. But I doubt that would please her because she had high hopes that I would become a noted and respected urban planner, like a Robert Moses or an Edmund Bacon. And I will never get there in today's economy starting at the age of 51 today, since I would need at least a Master's degree if not a more advanced education, to give my mother's happiness the best chance of success. What is my chance of starting over at the bottom in a completely new career at the age of 56, at doing better than $50K-$60K/yr if I keep on with trucking at age 51? One more thing to think about is my employer's health insurance and even-match to 5% 401K retirement plan.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but now do you understand why none of us 3 children live within 1,000 miles of mother. None of us would have any independance or any life of our own, and our lives would constantly be subject to her every whim, and lots of guilt and shame. Plus recently there has been a lot of pressure/guilt for all of us children to move within driving distance of San Marino, CA, as she is getting up in age and has no one to care for her since my stepdad died lst summer.

Have you ever read John Bradshaw's book THE FAMILY? I think that you might find it interesting and helpful. I really can't recommend a direction for you to take. In my own experience I always tried to please my father and he always rejected me or held me to extremely unrealistic expectations, while constantly berating my efforts and abilities, which only ended with his death 9 years ago. I didn't see him much in the last 9 years of his life, and he didn't see much of my progress away from drug abuse and the lifelong effects of my CSA, or much of my progress becoming a responsible adult.

Just a few things to think about, Mike. Maybe you need to take control over your own life and establish healthy boundaries with your mom.

Mark



_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#240076 - 07/24/08 10:50 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: CDavid]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: CDavid
...and then, there is the always popular, "Mothers know which buttons to push...because they installed them."


That deserves to be repeated.

Obviously, I have mom issues. That might be the understatement of the century.

At any rate, it sounds like you moved away to get away from your mother, and she moved to get closer to you. That, coupled with what you wrote in your OP, raises a red flag or two in my book.

If you are seeing a T, I urge you to talk about your relationship with your mother including what kind of mother she was when you were growing up. It sounds to me like she is quite a manipulative person, and you tire of it. If you grew up with those manipulations, it is quite possible that your reaction to them may have had some serious affects on your psychological development.

She does have power over you, and it doesn't sound healthy to me at all.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#240167 - 07/25/08 02:07 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: BJK]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
My husband just recently sent his mom, the letter, the letter that told her everything, the letter that told her she did a terrible job of protecting him and furthermore put him in that place of pain. That letter which his mom ignored, and then told me that my husband didn't tell her, and wanted to be with the abuser therefore it was his fault....

In therapy we were talking about all this and the therapist asked once again, as she mentions often to both of us (I was physically abused) "If she wasn't your mom would you be friends with her?" Ahhh NO.

Parents have so much power over them, only because they are our parents. They don't deserve it and we shouldn't give it.

Keep working on you. Do what you need to do. If you need a break from her, take it. If she does not like it, sorry....YOU are the person that needs to take care of you. I choose to surround myself with positive people, ones who lift me up and love me. If a parent does not do those things, I can't keep hanging around it.

Harsh words to hear, as you have said we are trained from a young age that we need to respect and honor. Those things are earned. I'm not saying go spit on her, I'm just saying you honestly don't owe her respect that is not earned.

If I'm being over the top, I am sorry. I just want you to know you have done nothing wrong, you deserve to be loved and treated well, and I don't blame you a bit for wondering why she had worried about you being abused and yet said and did nothing......

\:\) Keep your head up!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240189 - 07/25/08 04:25 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: dangal]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I'm with Dangal on this. Why is it that so many people think that just because they share DNA, they can treat you anyway they want. When I tell people that we no longer speak to my H's family, they are shocked. " But they're is parents, his siblings, that's just wrong. you should be able to forgive and forget, THEY'RE FAMILY." Yeah well, this "family" doesn't deserve someone like my H in their lives, he is to good for them. Sometimes I can't even believe he came from them.
His parents turned a blinds eye when his brother abused him, and then they all turned around, after he disclosed, and told him to shut his mouth.

THEY DESERVE NOTHING. NY DAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (07/25/08 04:26 PM)

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#240202 - 07/25/08 06:16 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: NY Daisy]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Mike,

I don't know if you are able to continue with Dr. T. now that you're employment situation has changed, but for sure bring this issue up with him on your next visit if you are still able to go. He'll have some excellent input for you methinks.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#240204 - 07/25/08 06:28 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: WalkingSouth]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Thanks John. Fortunately I am still able to see Dr. T. for at least five more months because part of my company's severance package includes health care for that long.

I gave Dr. T. 100 pages worth of journal notes when I first met with him. In those notes I spoke of the difficulties I am having with my mom. During last Tuesday's session with him he brought it up. He brought it up by making an interesting observation from my notes that I hadn't thought of...and wasn't ready to talk about. So yes, this is high on the agenda of things to work through with him.

Thanks!
Mike

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#240271 - 07/26/08 02:52 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Well Mike, you and I have TOTALLY different relationships with our mothers, so let me just share with how I view and converse with my mother and perhaps, maybe, you might find some coping tools with what I'm about to say, (probably not but you're worth the effort.) With the exceptions of a few times in my life, all she ever did was fail me. Sure, I had some trials and tribulations and she gave me her "support" when it was "appropriate" I guess, but she never ONCE assumed that I felt compelled to "be available" for her or "be there" in any other sense of the word for HER. No way.

I don't have a clue what it's like to grow up in an intact household, or a traditional family. But I will tell you this Mike, regardless of how I might "feel close" to my mother, if my she failed me on the same scale that yours failed you, there in no way IN HELL she could ever make me feel guilty about anything.


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#240284 - 07/26/08 07:47 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Hauser]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Mike,

I imeadiately like anybody that gives their therapist homework!!!


But, I think, figuring out that weird relationship I have with my mother is important. It was one of the very first relationships I had. A benchmark, if you will. I was sure if I could "figure" that one out, I would have a better understanding of all the ones that have come after.

Good luck


:-)


CD


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#240313 - 07/26/08 10:14 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Originally Posted By: Barkabus
I gave Dr. T. 100 pages worth of journal notes when I first met with him.

That's funny, Mike! I gave him some papers also way back when. The amazing thing to me was that he read them! ALL! He referred to them from time to time over the years as proof of his diligence \:\)

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#240316 - 07/26/08 10:29 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: WalkingSouth]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
The relationships we have with our mothers tend to be the way we define the term "relationship" throughout our lives. If that relationship is distorted in any way, it is very easy into being deceived into thinking that's the way things should be.

The approval of my mother was the most important thing in my life for my first 32 years, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not obtain it. He love always had conditions, and I could never meet those conditions. This was literally destroying me inside until I learned to completely let go. Only by looking at my relationship with her on the outside coupled with the realization of how messed up my life was could I realize how distorted and disturbing our relationship was.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#240335 - 07/26/08 11:44 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: BJK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
It took my Mother's death to finally be free from the distortion. 37 years of trying to be what she needed has left me disfunctional at the least and completely insane at the worst. Now that she's gone I can finally at least look at it. Alive the pain it would have caused her would have broken my heart so badly there would never had been a chance to recover.

I was told from a "ressurection belief" the other day that we will meet again, the dread that I felt was overwhelming. I wanted to stop my healing journey right then and there. How dare I question her upbringing of me, I wanted to go back to the denial and self-sacrificing that I've always lived so she wouldn't feel any pain ever again.

She continues to have the control even from the grave.

My life really did become all about her, that was my purpose. To sacrifice myself for her.

And then add in that she might be back, holy fuck! Just finally felt freedom when she died. And then felt how selfish I was when she might come back. I thought I was finally allowed to work on me, but hearing she might be back made me think I was the most selfish person on the planet. How dare I think about what I need, Mother needed saving and I was the only one who was going to do that for her.

What other purpose could I have?

Scary Brother's, just fucking scary.

How did thinking about me become the ultimate in selfishness?

My Brother said to me a while back "well at least she paid attention to you", Fuck, I almost spewed coke out my nose.

She's dead and she's gone, thank whatever is out there for small miracles, and Mom if you read this, I'm so very sorry. Whatever you need Mom, whatever you need. Even if it's my soul.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#240337 - 07/26/08 11:48 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: mogigo]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Bryan, please if you could tell me how you pulled off "completely letting it go" I'm having a real hard time.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#240339 - 07/26/08 11:55 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: BJK]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
I like the insights I'm seeing here...One the resonated with me is from CDavid.

Quote:
figuring out that weird relationship I have with my mother is important...A benchmark, if you will. I was sure if I could "figure" that one out, I would have a better understanding of all the ones that have come after.


BTW David, I also record all of my sessions as well as take notes. Heck, if I'm paying the guy $140 per session I want to squeeze very last bit out of every minute!

I am going to copy/paste a PM I sent earlier today because it reveals an important dynamic that complicates things even more.

I don't know what to feel. I know a lot of guys here have a lot of genuine pain with regard to their parents. I don't honestly see where I was hurt by my mom growing up. Maybe I'm blind to it. Right now though I'm hurting because I see my mom hurting. I can hardly stand being around her because I see her slowly crumbling away. My aunt commented to me today how my mom does not look well. I didn't say anything to my aunt but I know why. And it breaks my heart.


Thanks again guys,
Mike



Edited by Barkabus (07/26/08 12:16 PM)
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My Story

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#240347 - 07/26/08 12:23 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: mogigo]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: mogigo
Bryan, please if you could tell me how you pulled off "completely letting it go" I'm having a real hard time.


This is a hard question to answer. It's a very hard question to answer.

When I discovered how much my sister's kids loved me, how much they idolized me, I came to the conclusion that suicide wasn't an option anymore.

I guess I learned how to be selfish. And in learning to be selfish, the fact is, I actually became less selfish.

I don't think I could have done it without taking Cymbalta. I don't think I could have done it without an aunt (my mother's sister) who casually made outside observations that reinforced my negative perceptions of my childhood. I don't think I could have done it without a sister who was also there to reinforce memories that I had coming back but didn't know if they actually happened. I don't think I could have done it without people on this site telling me that taking the ultimate plunge, facing my past, in order to protect my sister's kids from the monster that had destroyed the first 32 years of my life was the ultimate act of love.

I learned what unconditional love was through my sister's kids, and I learned what it means to trust and be trusted through my aunt and my sister.

And then, when the totality of how my mother was controlling my life even though I had broken off contact hit me, I got angry. I was filled with rage. And when I worked through that rage, I found that I had let go.

I didn't make a conscious decision to let go. I made small steps to improve my life. Every step was difficult, and I'm still taking small steps to try to improve further. I wish I could write a how-to manual, but it's just not that simple. What I have discovered, though, is that in through letting go, I feel more powerful now than I have ever felt in my life.

Your mother doesn't own your soul, Mike. She manipulated you into thinking that she does. It's time to take your soul back, and the anger you are feeling right now is probably the most important step in letting go.

Feel your anger. Feel every ounce of it. Write a letter to your mom. Let her have it. Write another one when you think of more stuff you need to get off your chest. Go for a walk in the rain. Find a place where you can yell at the top of your lungs for awhile. If you feel the urge to beat up something like a pillow or a tree with a baseball bat, for instance, try to make sure it's supervised (I don't recommend physical violence when you are by yourself because adrenaline can lead to injury). Breaking china or glassware can be a tremendous stress relief as well.

Anger needs to vent, otherwise it festers and starts to vent in inappropriate places.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#240360 - 07/26/08 12:59 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Trucker51]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I figured I'd add that a big part of letting go also involves forgiving myself.

What do I need to forgive myself for?

For everything.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#240361 - 07/26/08 01:00 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: BJK]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Amen Bryan.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240372 - 07/26/08 02:32 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: dangal]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
BJK,

I always love the things you have to say. You always seem so rational and centered and the word sage comes to mind. Just wanted to mention that it sounds like you have come far in your recovery, and I always enjoy reading your posts. They always hit home to me and make me hope that my guy can get to where you are someday.

xoLee


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#240376 - 07/26/08 02:44 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Lee73]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Wow, thank you, Lee.

I tend to feel like I get overly preachy at times, so your words really mean a lot to me.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#240388 - 07/26/08 03:16 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: BJK]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Bryan:

That was a pretty good job of answering that question though. I have been trying to figure-out how to verbalize how I got from A to B to C myself. Thanks a lot for the insight.

Mike:

Just remember breaking glass in the house involves having to pick it up later. I know.

Mark



Edited by Trucker51 (07/26/08 03:20 PM)
_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#240531 - 07/27/08 12:17 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Mike,

I remember walking into my therapist's office afterward feeling very much as though I had experienced a death in my family.

You know? That odd sort of surreal feeling? What is that? That, feeling? Something is changed, different. Something is ripped away at lightning speed, even if the death is or, was anticipated.

I am changed, different, not who I was before. The thought of who I will be has not even crossed my mind yet, but I know I am different. I won't see them again, be able to touch them, again. I will forget their voice, the way they smell, the sound of their voice.

The day my mother said, "At least it was just once," when I disclosed to her, was, basically, the day she died. "No, Mom. It was not just once," I said in reply.

All hope that she would protect me, ever, fell with the realization that she never did. She took care of herself.

So...I think, we stand out at the edge, thinking about where we want to be...see the distance between where we are right now...and sometimes, it is so confusing. Confusion always follows every loss. It feels out of control, I hate it...and unfortunately...it is such an important part ofthe process.


:-)


CD


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#240562 - 07/27/08 03:51 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: CDavid]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Mom's response:

At least it wasn't family.
I suspected.
Why didn't you tell me when it was happening?
Was any of it consensual?
I support you.

Mom wasn't at church today. I don't know why. I do know why. I have to lie and tell everyone else that I don't know why.

Why does it have to be my fault?



Edited by Barkabus (07/27/08 03:56 PM)
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#240570 - 07/27/08 05:46 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Mike,

The most telling thing...is the order in which they are offered, uh?

"Why does it have to be my fault?"

I can only speak from my experience. But it had to be "my" fault because I relied on them for everything. A place to stay, food to eat, my clothes and what minimal emotional contact there was.

It was easier to think, in the whole big broad spectrum of things...that it was my fault, because if it was their fault, I was screwed, nowhere and nothing was safe.


:-)


CD


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#240613 - 07/27/08 09:08 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: Barkabus

Why does it have to be my fault?


My aunt always tells me how important it is to only keep my side of the road clean. At some point in our lives, we learn that keeping other people's side of the road clean prevents their stuff from spilling over onto our side. However, it takes way to much work and way too much responsibility to keep both sides of the road clean. At some point, we have to say "enough is enough. If your stuff starts spilling over to my side of the road, I'm just going to sweep it back."

Dave also has a great point. The day I thought of my mother and realized that everything she had ever told me was a lie, I also realized that my entire life was a lie. I was screwed. Every single friend I had ever held a grudge against, every single time I thought I was right...well...I owe a lot of people a lot of apologies. But that's my side of the road. I refuse to make excuses or apologies for my mother anymore.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#240618 - 07/27/08 09:29 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Because your mom has no experience or knowledge on how to deal with the presentation of your issues, and there are also some boundary and/or codependancy issues going on too. Get her a copy of ABUSED BOYS, just so that maybe she will have some knowledge of that issue, maybe John Bradshaw's FAMILY book too, which you can give her after you get done with it. You didn't have this problem when she was 1000 miles away, or at least it wasn't enough of a problem that it needed to be dealt with. Now that you are close by, she and you need to resolve the one issue, and she needs more knowledge in order to be of help in resolving your other issues.

Look Mike, none of it is your fault.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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