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#240337 - 07/26/08 11:48 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: mogigo]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Bryan, please if you could tell me how you pulled off "completely letting it go" I'm having a real hard time.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#240339 - 07/26/08 11:55 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: BJK]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
I like the insights I'm seeing here...One the resonated with me is from CDavid.

Quote:
figuring out that weird relationship I have with my mother is important...A benchmark, if you will. I was sure if I could "figure" that one out, I would have a better understanding of all the ones that have come after.


BTW David, I also record all of my sessions as well as take notes. Heck, if I'm paying the guy $140 per session I want to squeeze very last bit out of every minute!

I am going to copy/paste a PM I sent earlier today because it reveals an important dynamic that complicates things even more.

I don't know what to feel. I know a lot of guys here have a lot of genuine pain with regard to their parents. I don't honestly see where I was hurt by my mom growing up. Maybe I'm blind to it. Right now though I'm hurting because I see my mom hurting. I can hardly stand being around her because I see her slowly crumbling away. My aunt commented to me today how my mom does not look well. I didn't say anything to my aunt but I know why. And it breaks my heart.


Thanks again guys,
Mike



Edited by Barkabus (07/26/08 12:16 PM)
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#240347 - 07/26/08 12:23 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: mogigo]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: mogigo
Bryan, please if you could tell me how you pulled off "completely letting it go" I'm having a real hard time.


This is a hard question to answer. It's a very hard question to answer.

When I discovered how much my sister's kids loved me, how much they idolized me, I came to the conclusion that suicide wasn't an option anymore.

I guess I learned how to be selfish. And in learning to be selfish, the fact is, I actually became less selfish.

I don't think I could have done it without taking Cymbalta. I don't think I could have done it without an aunt (my mother's sister) who casually made outside observations that reinforced my negative perceptions of my childhood. I don't think I could have done it without a sister who was also there to reinforce memories that I had coming back but didn't know if they actually happened. I don't think I could have done it without people on this site telling me that taking the ultimate plunge, facing my past, in order to protect my sister's kids from the monster that had destroyed the first 32 years of my life was the ultimate act of love.

I learned what unconditional love was through my sister's kids, and I learned what it means to trust and be trusted through my aunt and my sister.

And then, when the totality of how my mother was controlling my life even though I had broken off contact hit me, I got angry. I was filled with rage. And when I worked through that rage, I found that I had let go.

I didn't make a conscious decision to let go. I made small steps to improve my life. Every step was difficult, and I'm still taking small steps to try to improve further. I wish I could write a how-to manual, but it's just not that simple. What I have discovered, though, is that in through letting go, I feel more powerful now than I have ever felt in my life.

Your mother doesn't own your soul, Mike. She manipulated you into thinking that she does. It's time to take your soul back, and the anger you are feeling right now is probably the most important step in letting go.

Feel your anger. Feel every ounce of it. Write a letter to your mom. Let her have it. Write another one when you think of more stuff you need to get off your chest. Go for a walk in the rain. Find a place where you can yell at the top of your lungs for awhile. If you feel the urge to beat up something like a pillow or a tree with a baseball bat, for instance, try to make sure it's supervised (I don't recommend physical violence when you are by yourself because adrenaline can lead to injury). Breaking china or glassware can be a tremendous stress relief as well.

Anger needs to vent, otherwise it festers and starts to vent in inappropriate places.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#240360 - 07/26/08 12:59 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Trucker51]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I figured I'd add that a big part of letting go also involves forgiving myself.

What do I need to forgive myself for?

For everything.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#240361 - 07/26/08 01:00 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: BJK]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Amen Bryan.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240372 - 07/26/08 02:32 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: dangal]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
BJK,

I always love the things you have to say. You always seem so rational and centered and the word sage comes to mind. Just wanted to mention that it sounds like you have come far in your recovery, and I always enjoy reading your posts. They always hit home to me and make me hope that my guy can get to where you are someday.

xoLee


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#240376 - 07/26/08 02:44 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Lee73]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Wow, thank you, Lee.

I tend to feel like I get overly preachy at times, so your words really mean a lot to me.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#240388 - 07/26/08 03:16 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: BJK]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Bryan:

That was a pretty good job of answering that question though. I have been trying to figure-out how to verbalize how I got from A to B to C myself. Thanks a lot for the insight.

Mike:

Just remember breaking glass in the house involves having to pick it up later. I know.

Mark



Edited by Trucker51 (07/26/08 03:20 PM)
_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#240531 - 07/27/08 12:17 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Mike,

I remember walking into my therapist's office afterward feeling very much as though I had experienced a death in my family.

You know? That odd sort of surreal feeling? What is that? That, feeling? Something is changed, different. Something is ripped away at lightning speed, even if the death is or, was anticipated.

I am changed, different, not who I was before. The thought of who I will be has not even crossed my mind yet, but I know I am different. I won't see them again, be able to touch them, again. I will forget their voice, the way they smell, the sound of their voice.

The day my mother said, "At least it was just once," when I disclosed to her, was, basically, the day she died. "No, Mom. It was not just once," I said in reply.

All hope that she would protect me, ever, fell with the realization that she never did. She took care of herself.

So...I think, we stand out at the edge, thinking about where we want to be...see the distance between where we are right now...and sometimes, it is so confusing. Confusion always follows every loss. It feels out of control, I hate it...and unfortunately...it is such an important part ofthe process.


:-)


CD


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#240562 - 07/27/08 03:51 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: CDavid]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Mom's response:

At least it wasn't family.
I suspected.
Why didn't you tell me when it was happening?
Was any of it consensual?
I support you.

Mom wasn't at church today. I don't know why. I do know why. I have to lie and tell everyone else that I don't know why.

Why does it have to be my fault?



Edited by Barkabus (07/27/08 03:56 PM)
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