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#240076 - 07/24/08 10:50 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: CDavid]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: CDavid
...and then, there is the always popular, "Mothers know which buttons to push...because they installed them."


That deserves to be repeated.

Obviously, I have mom issues. That might be the understatement of the century.

At any rate, it sounds like you moved away to get away from your mother, and she moved to get closer to you. That, coupled with what you wrote in your OP, raises a red flag or two in my book.

If you are seeing a T, I urge you to talk about your relationship with your mother including what kind of mother she was when you were growing up. It sounds to me like she is quite a manipulative person, and you tire of it. If you grew up with those manipulations, it is quite possible that your reaction to them may have had some serious affects on your psychological development.

She does have power over you, and it doesn't sound healthy to me at all.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#240167 - 07/25/08 02:07 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: BJK]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
My husband just recently sent his mom, the letter, the letter that told her everything, the letter that told her she did a terrible job of protecting him and furthermore put him in that place of pain. That letter which his mom ignored, and then told me that my husband didn't tell her, and wanted to be with the abuser therefore it was his fault....

In therapy we were talking about all this and the therapist asked once again, as she mentions often to both of us (I was physically abused) "If she wasn't your mom would you be friends with her?" Ahhh NO.

Parents have so much power over them, only because they are our parents. They don't deserve it and we shouldn't give it.

Keep working on you. Do what you need to do. If you need a break from her, take it. If she does not like it, sorry....YOU are the person that needs to take care of you. I choose to surround myself with positive people, ones who lift me up and love me. If a parent does not do those things, I can't keep hanging around it.

Harsh words to hear, as you have said we are trained from a young age that we need to respect and honor. Those things are earned. I'm not saying go spit on her, I'm just saying you honestly don't owe her respect that is not earned.

If I'm being over the top, I am sorry. I just want you to know you have done nothing wrong, you deserve to be loved and treated well, and I don't blame you a bit for wondering why she had worried about you being abused and yet said and did nothing......

\:\) Keep your head up!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240189 - 07/25/08 04:25 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: dangal]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I'm with Dangal on this. Why is it that so many people think that just because they share DNA, they can treat you anyway they want. When I tell people that we no longer speak to my H's family, they are shocked. " But they're is parents, his siblings, that's just wrong. you should be able to forgive and forget, THEY'RE FAMILY." Yeah well, this "family" doesn't deserve someone like my H in their lives, he is to good for them. Sometimes I can't even believe he came from them.
His parents turned a blinds eye when his brother abused him, and then they all turned around, after he disclosed, and told him to shut his mouth.

THEY DESERVE NOTHING. NY DAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (07/25/08 04:26 PM)

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#240202 - 07/25/08 06:16 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: NY Daisy]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Mike,

I don't know if you are able to continue with Dr. T. now that you're employment situation has changed, but for sure bring this issue up with him on your next visit if you are still able to go. He'll have some excellent input for you methinks.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#240204 - 07/25/08 06:28 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: WalkingSouth]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Thanks John. Fortunately I am still able to see Dr. T. for at least five more months because part of my company's severance package includes health care for that long.

I gave Dr. T. 100 pages worth of journal notes when I first met with him. In those notes I spoke of the difficulties I am having with my mom. During last Tuesday's session with him he brought it up. He brought it up by making an interesting observation from my notes that I hadn't thought of...and wasn't ready to talk about. So yes, this is high on the agenda of things to work through with him.

Thanks!
Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#240271 - 07/26/08 02:52 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Well Mike, you and I have TOTALLY different relationships with our mothers, so let me just share with how I view and converse with my mother and perhaps, maybe, you might find some coping tools with what I'm about to say, (probably not but you're worth the effort.) With the exceptions of a few times in my life, all she ever did was fail me. Sure, I had some trials and tribulations and she gave me her "support" when it was "appropriate" I guess, but she never ONCE assumed that I felt compelled to "be available" for her or "be there" in any other sense of the word for HER. No way.

I don't have a clue what it's like to grow up in an intact household, or a traditional family. But I will tell you this Mike, regardless of how I might "feel close" to my mother, if my she failed me on the same scale that yours failed you, there in no way IN HELL she could ever make me feel guilty about anything.


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#240284 - 07/26/08 07:47 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Hauser]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Mike,

I imeadiately like anybody that gives their therapist homework!!!


But, I think, figuring out that weird relationship I have with my mother is important. It was one of the very first relationships I had. A benchmark, if you will. I was sure if I could "figure" that one out, I would have a better understanding of all the ones that have come after.

Good luck


:-)


CD


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#240313 - 07/26/08 10:14 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Originally Posted By: Barkabus
I gave Dr. T. 100 pages worth of journal notes when I first met with him.

That's funny, Mike! I gave him some papers also way back when. The amazing thing to me was that he read them! ALL! He referred to them from time to time over the years as proof of his diligence \:\)

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#240316 - 07/26/08 10:29 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: WalkingSouth]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
The relationships we have with our mothers tend to be the way we define the term "relationship" throughout our lives. If that relationship is distorted in any way, it is very easy into being deceived into thinking that's the way things should be.

The approval of my mother was the most important thing in my life for my first 32 years, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not obtain it. He love always had conditions, and I could never meet those conditions. This was literally destroying me inside until I learned to completely let go. Only by looking at my relationship with her on the outside coupled with the realization of how messed up my life was could I realize how distorted and disturbing our relationship was.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#240335 - 07/26/08 11:44 AM Re: Mom Problems [Re: BJK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
It took my Mother's death to finally be free from the distortion. 37 years of trying to be what she needed has left me disfunctional at the least and completely insane at the worst. Now that she's gone I can finally at least look at it. Alive the pain it would have caused her would have broken my heart so badly there would never had been a chance to recover.

I was told from a "ressurection belief" the other day that we will meet again, the dread that I felt was overwhelming. I wanted to stop my healing journey right then and there. How dare I question her upbringing of me, I wanted to go back to the denial and self-sacrificing that I've always lived so she wouldn't feel any pain ever again.

She continues to have the control even from the grave.

My life really did become all about her, that was my purpose. To sacrifice myself for her.

And then add in that she might be back, holy fuck! Just finally felt freedom when she died. And then felt how selfish I was when she might come back. I thought I was finally allowed to work on me, but hearing she might be back made me think I was the most selfish person on the planet. How dare I think about what I need, Mother needed saving and I was the only one who was going to do that for her.

What other purpose could I have?

Scary Brother's, just fucking scary.

How did thinking about me become the ultimate in selfishness?

My Brother said to me a while back "well at least she paid attention to you", Fuck, I almost spewed coke out my nose.

She's dead and she's gone, thank whatever is out there for small miracles, and Mom if you read this, I'm so very sorry. Whatever you need Mom, whatever you need. Even if it's my soul.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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