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#239994 - 07/24/08 02:56 PM Mom Problems
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
I can't live with this. I live under tremendous guilt heaped on me from my mom because I don't meet her expectations. I am not available to her as often as she wants. She thinks I don't want to have anything to do with her which, ironically, is a self-fulfilling prophecy because her subtle manipulations drive me farther away. She is ashamed and embarrassed of me especially in the presence of others who know my little secret (CSA and the garbage that comes with it).

People tell me I need to take care of myself and take time for myself. My recovery needs to come first. Well, when I do why do I feel so much self-hate for not spending more time with my mom? I hate this. I hate this guilt. I hate my gut always being knotted up whenever I'm around my mom. I hate not being who I am supposed to be. I surrender.

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#239999 - 07/24/08 03:26 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
Barkabus, I understand what you're going through because I have faced the same from friends, family, coworkers etc.
As you said your recovery is going to mean time to yourself. First, those that are closes to you should know what you're going through and be very understanding. Just as you should towards their feelings. There shouldn't be any manipulation going on. If you love someone you don't want to control them and you understand their life is theirs to live how they choose. Your mother does need to understand this, so try conveying this to her in a respectful manner. If she doesn't really understand after you've explained things to her you really need to move on to recovery. Its like a child leaving the nest for the first time its not easy on the parents, but you have to go out and live your own life. Besides you need to meet new people that are less judgmental. You can do it, 'cause I did.
God bless.



Edited by StartingOver08 (07/24/08 03:27 PM)

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#240014 - 07/24/08 05:08 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: StartingOver08]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Here's a bit of history regarding my mom:

Forced to Disclose to my Mom Last Weekend

More "Mom" Crap

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#240015 - 07/24/08 05:13 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
Let's do this by the numbers:

1) "...I don't meet her expectations. I am not available to her as often as she wants."
- Well, this is her issue to deal with. If she has set her expectations too high for you, or cannot be content with where you are in your life, transfer that guilt back onto her shoulders and let her bear that cross. Your schedule also goes in this vein too. Alas, all this is my humble opinion. It's worth what you paid for it too!

2) "She is ashamed and embarrassed of me especially in the presence of others who know my little secret..."
- See Note 1 above. Substitute appropriate wording.

3) Now you get to the physical reaction. Stomach knotting, as you know, is often related to stress. So it sounds like you're stressed whenever you're around her. See disclaimer about opinion above.

4) Your emotional reaction (i.e. self-hate) is understandable. If #3 is true, then why would you want to spend more time with your mom? Doesn't sound like you need to be hating yourself over this.

BTW, lemme paraphrase one of "The Substitute" movie titles:

SURRENDER IS NOT AN OPTION!

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#240030 - 07/24/08 07:16 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: LN3(SS)]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
Thank you LN3(SS). Barkabus please listen to what we're saying, break free for your own sake. Time for you to depart the nest is way over due. Stop being sucked into her psychological game. You've out grown your mother and need to leave the nest.


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#240054 - 07/24/08 08:50 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: StartingOver08]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
...and then, there is the always popular, "Mothers know which buttons to push...because they installed them."

A friend of mine got a call one day...they had rushed his mother to the hospital. When he hung up the phone, he said, "Why do I keep hearing that song from the Wizzard of Ozz?" I was trying to think of which one he meant, when he said, "You know...Ding dong the witch is dead."

No, she didn't die....but it looked like it was such a relief for him to say.

Mothers is hard.


:-)


CD


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#240057 - 07/24/08 09:21 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: CDavid]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
The mother child relationship should be so simple, but the reality is it isn't a TV show or a soft smooshy movie. All mothers aren't the selfless creatures we'd like them to be and all children aren't dressed in blue and white sailor suits without a stain on them. Mother's can be needy, I admit to feeling that way sometimes and putting pressure on my daughter that she can't and shouldn't have to handle; I ultimately realize that it's MY problem, but sometimes it takes a few hours or even days for me to come down. Some people, mother's included, just don't. We are imperfect people. What does that mean for you? Do what's right for YOU! without causing harm to her, an imperfect person. There is no reason for you to feel guilty for not meeting all of her needs; that's not your job.

I've heard some people say that parents "deserve" this or that because they had children. I 100% believe the opposite. Yes, they gave us life, but we didn't ask for it. Parents deserve respect, if earned; they deserve love, if they give it, but the fact that they performed an act of passion that resulted in a child doesn't earn any points in my book unless they take it to the next level.

ROCK ON.........Trish

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If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#240058 - 07/24/08 09:52 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: StartingOver08]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Quote:
Time for you to depart the nest is way over due. Stop being sucked into her psychological game. You've out grown your mother and need to leave the nest.


I have been independent for many years. I moved out of my parents house at 19 in 1985. I have lived over 1000 miles from my parents for over 10 years and that was after 6 successful years in the Navy. My dad died in 2000. 4 years after that my mom decided to move to my town. Now she lives a mile away. I have left the nest and have done OK. After 22 years though, the nest came back to me. Now I am dealing with a mom who, after disclosing my CSA to two months ago, is struggling with the a son who isn't what she wanted.

Perhaps there is some self-pity here. I DO have to get over that but that doesn't make it any less painful. It's easy to just heartlessly cut off ties. I can't and won't do that unless there is no other choice. I just want to do the right thing. And sometimes the right thing isn't necessarily always doing what I WANT to do.

I DO need to establish healthy boundaries with mom. When I first mentioned this to mom she was incensed by the idea. She demanded I tell her what these boundaries are, in detail. I can't do that, and won't. But there is some level of reasonableness to her question after removing her emotion.

Anyways, I know there is work here to be done. I'm not whining about it...but I am sharing my gut wrenching frustration and anxiety over it.

Thanks for the support and suggestions. Please keep them coming.

Mike



Edited by Barkabus (07/24/08 09:56 PM)
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#240065 - 07/24/08 10:27 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Barkabus]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Mike,

I do not read or hear self pity or whining in what you are writing.

Your mother moved, you say, to be closer to you. So, you were comfortable with the relationship as it was...she seems unable to do that. But, what about your older brother?

Care to say what you would have liked to hear from your mother when you disclosed?

I know...after I disclosed to my mother, when the dust settled, I asked her why she thought my father would do the things he did. She, very casually said, "To get back at me (her)."

Right about then, I understood the concept that, "There is nothing wrong with loving someone. But, there is no guarentee that they will not pervert it."

I do love her, but cannot be around her.


:-)


CD


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#240074 - 07/24/08 10:47 PM Re: Mom Problems [Re: Trish4850]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Mike:

My mom heaps the guilt and shame on me every time that we talk. I'm the only member of the family without a 4-year degree. In fact, I am the only member of the family who does not have an advanced degree and the only one who does not work in a professional white-collar occupation. I did make over a half million in the last 10 years, but that isn't good enough if it involves the same blue-collar occupation that her dad worked-in. Her dad did well enough to send her to Wellesley College though.

Now that I am on medical disability making the grossly inferior sum of $87 per day, she has again offered to send me back to college so that I can finish my degree. Problem #1: Who is going to make my $2800 in monthly payments including my $1500 mortgage payment? Problem #2: The field that I already have 79 credit-hours in is highly susceptible to recessionary times and those 79 credits are in Cleveland, OH, a major city with 20% unemployment. Cleveland is also a place where I have no desire to return to.

I could use the majority of my credits to head in the direction of an LCSW. But I doubt that would please her because she had high hopes that I would become a noted and respected urban planner, like a Robert Moses or an Edmund Bacon. And I will never get there in today's economy starting at the age of 51 today, since I would need at least a Master's degree if not a more advanced education, to give my mother's happiness the best chance of success. What is my chance of starting over at the bottom in a completely new career at the age of 56, at doing better than $50K-$60K/yr if I keep on with trucking at age 51? One more thing to think about is my employer's health insurance and even-match to 5% 401K retirement plan.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, but now do you understand why none of us 3 children live within 1,000 miles of mother. None of us would have any independance or any life of our own, and our lives would constantly be subject to her every whim, and lots of guilt and shame. Plus recently there has been a lot of pressure/guilt for all of us children to move within driving distance of San Marino, CA, as she is getting up in age and has no one to care for her since my stepdad died lst summer.

Have you ever read John Bradshaw's book THE FAMILY? I think that you might find it interesting and helpful. I really can't recommend a direction for you to take. In my own experience I always tried to please my father and he always rejected me or held me to extremely unrealistic expectations, while constantly berating my efforts and abilities, which only ended with his death 9 years ago. I didn't see him much in the last 9 years of his life, and he didn't see much of my progress away from drug abuse and the lifelong effects of my CSA, or much of my progress becoming a responsible adult.

Just a few things to think about, Mike. Maybe you need to take control over your own life and establish healthy boundaries with your mom.

Mark



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"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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