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#239816 - 07/23/08 05:24 PM Not Belonging
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
No matter where I go or what I do .
I always end up feeling like I don't belong.
Don't know why.
Do you feel this way too?
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#239821 - 07/23/08 05:41 PM Re: Not Belonging [Re: michael banks]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
always
with me it's like i don't even deserve to belong

probably another reason i cut friends off and chase people away - feeling like i don't belong anyway so might as well just end it.

(the relationship)


m


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#239824 - 07/23/08 05:58 PM Re: Not Belonging [Re: MarkK]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
I'm with you there Mike. I always feel like I some how slipped by the standard safeguards whenever I find myself a part of something. Or I feel like the standards were lowered, that's how I got included. I also sometimes feel like I don't belong here. My experience wasn't really abuse, I'm just a whiner. A wimp. A wus.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#239825 - 07/23/08 05:58 PM Re: Not Belonging [Re: michael banks]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
i do mike often feel that way in situations where i do not have control.

at one point, i do believe that my experiences of having been abused [sexually, emotionally, physically and psychologically] contributed to the fact that my life passage 'chakra' was never given the opportunity to blossom and is evidenced by the fact that, due to the trauma of abuse, i avoided situations where that flowering process could be initiated, nurtured and permitted to grow.

in my life's work, my 'job' is often to lead others. i find it very challenging to be in the role of follower. i started to work on this several years ago, and made some progress as i elected to become involved in opportunities where i put myself in the passenger seat so that i could come to know what it is like to be one of many.

volunteering is one way to do it. joining a committee at church or in the community are some of the ways you can act 'as if', until experience guilds the lily for courage to happen.

my basic personality type is extroverted so the test tells me, but i know i much prefer seclusion. i get my energy from being away from people. there is nothing wrong with that. [i used to harangue myself for not seeming like a typical type 'a' personality, because the culture places laurels on the noggin of those whose wheels are squeakiest].

after my experience in the trappist monastery [they are a contemplative and cloistered order] i decided that it was ok to be a quiet [?] guy who had no interest in being central in a social setting, and stopped seeing the need for seclusion as being a character flaw, and more of a persoanlity attribute.

my enneagram type is a 5. a cartoon in one of the books i have on the subject has each of the nine types all sitting around a big table and each one has their own thought bubble attached to them, with an summary encapsulization of their own particular brand of self-talk.

my type's thought bubble says: 'it's a talkative group, boy that gets me off the hook.' my writing styles and speaking styles are very different, but i am articulate in the area that i am most knowledgeable.

so after i went thru all the drama of trying to make myself out to be more comfortable in social situations, i still feel like i'd rather be a wallflower, but in the process i ended up meeting more people and making new friends and acquaintances while challenging myself to stretch the boundaries of my own social comfort zone.

i still prefer my room. and when i am in chat, i create one called the cave, cause that's where i prefer to hang out.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#239837 - 07/23/08 06:54 PM Re: Not Belonging [Re: Sans Logos]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Most of the time I feel that way. In fact, all the time I feel that way. Even here in MS Land. There isn't a day that goes by that I tell myself I will never come back to MS Land again because of something or other. This is what our abuse has done to us. It's messed up our rational way of thinking so we look through distorted eyes that color everything lonely or odd.

Fight it. Don't let it bring you down. We all have voices inside that tell us stuff. Don't listen to that one, okay? We're with you, man!

Lance


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#239983 - 07/24/08 12:43 PM Re: Not Belonging [Re: LW1527]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Thanks Guys,
I had been struggling with that feel of being terminaly unqiue--not apart of--lonely the last week or so.
Just wanted to put it out there because I like to keep it locked inside.
Thanks for the hand up!
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#239988 - 07/24/08 02:06 PM Re: Not Belonging [Re: michael banks]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi again mike, i think we have been conditioned to see quietude as a negative personality characteristic.

and i also think there is a not so subtle distinction between feeling 'lonely' and the sense of solitude.

it is a basic human tendency in our quest to self-actualize, to focus on the separations that divide us rather than on our commonalities which unite us. i think we lose the balance between those two when we begin to feel cut off from ourselves and others. the divisions that exist are of our own making. once we are able to see there are no walls where they used to be then there is more a tendency to feel aligned with the bigger picture and feel less disenfranchised.

before, i used to be different, but now i'm the same......hehehe

just a thought, maybe not well stated, but there it is....

anyway, back to seclusion.........

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#239989 - 07/24/08 02:16 PM Re: Not Belonging [Re: michael banks]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
That is not a unique feeling at all...rather average in fact.

I haven't belonged to something larger than myself since right after I was hurt. Having that feeling of "belonging" visibly stripped from me was one of the more painful things that happened to me and, consequently, one with which I struggle every day.

This is one area that therapy really doesn't seem to help much in. For me, there was something special in knowing, deep in my bones, that I belonged to a unique and select fraternity of men and I had the outward symbols of my success to officially show this. Now, all I see is the broken and battered remnants of that man. The closest I feel to belonging is on here, and I question that a lot.

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#240094 - 07/24/08 11:55 PM Re: Not Belonging [Re: LN3(SS)]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Ron, I identify with a lot of what your saying here. The odd thing for me is even before my abuse, I felt apart from others, ---- in fact I always have. the idea of myself as part of a group, --- feels incredibly wrong, even when my parents start talking about "the family" including me, I begin to feel uncomfortable.

In my good moments, this separation can be positive. yes, I'm different, yes I do and like and think my own things, but isn't that a good thing! that's one reason I really loved university, and also why I never got involved in things like inter colidge rivelry or team sports.

I'm naturally intraverted, and get a lot of energy from being alone, ---- in fact I rarely feel comfortable in groups, and much prefer associating with just one or two other people at a time, and even then, ---- not for long periods, ---- though strangely, I am also quite talkative, and people often tell me things.

That's the good side. On my bad days I feel absolutely alone, cut off, and contemptable. My celibrated individuality has turned into a contemptable strangeness, even walking down the street I imagine people thinking "who's that idiot" and all of the things I like, or think, or do, the things I've chosen seem pointless. At those times, I've been known to just curl up on my own for hours at a time, ----- especially now I have my own flat, I've been known to stay inside not seeing anyone for up to three days.

Even at home with my parents, one characteristic of my down periods is I go to my bedroom and stay there, and do not associate with people.

like a lot of things recovery wise, my disconnectedness seems to be a two edged sword depending upon how I'm feeling at the time.


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#240146 - 07/25/08 11:36 AM Re: Not Belonging [Re: dark empathy]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Dark,
Disconnectedness-- that's it exactly!!
That's the feeling I struggle with all my life.
I have felt this feeling since before I can remember.
I hate this feeling it cuts me off from the rest of the world and I cann't seem to reconnect.
It is a coping behavior for me.
I use it to protect myself when things feel overwhelming and I don't know what to do.
I emotionally disconnect fron reality and retreat into myself and get lost.
Like you,I can stay there for days and usually not by choice. And I have a hard time coming out of it. It seems to have to wear off.
Thanks for the insight.
mike



_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

Top
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