I had a session with my T today. I remember parts, but most of it I floated away when we started talking about being 16 years old. It wasn't one murder, but a murder and a police killing in the street late a night. Afterwards, my T told me I started hitting myself in the face and then I couldn't breathe. Next week we're supposed to get back to 16 again to sort out the back story of the murder and what took me there, because I don't remember how I even got there. I'm trying to be positive and upbeat about this.
I know my dad wanted me to join some boy's organization. I didn't but I didn't want to. Twice a week for like 12 weeks I was picked up in a car with a bunch of teens and taken to some place secret to memorize some sort of ritual thing. I hated it, but my dad would beat me if I didn't go. I remember that I was told if I mentioned anything about what we were learning, that they would kill me. I couldn't remember all the things I was supposed to memorize, so I would go home and write it down in a note book. I was terrified that I would be found out and killed, but I was terrified to be beaten and disspoint my dad and not have it memorized well. I don't know if this has anything to do with the violence, but I think it does.
So back into the swamp I go, to face what happened 12 years ago.