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#239399 - 07/21/08 06:10 PM Dealing with despising myself
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
last friday, my desktop computer's harddrive utterly died, and I needed to get another. yesterday, the new machine utterly failed to load. I was quite annoyed, and phoned my parents firstly to ask for advice (my brother being more adept with I.t. than I am).

unfortunately, my brother, ---- while usually a really goodd friend, is terrible at giving advice, sinse he tends to turn it into orders, and I really don't respond well to orders. i fully well know my brother does this, but i got rattled and irritable.

when my brother angrily revealed my mum, ---- who initially picked up the phone and got my "my bloody computer's broke again" comment, had fallen over and sprained her knee, I started to feel absolutely terrible.

I felt I was nothing, a burden to everyone just causing harm, not worth anyone's time or attention. I really started loathing myself incredibly, ---- and this wasn't the first time.

I hate! seeing myself perform on Dvd, and am hypercrytical to the point of unpleasantness. I really dislike my own appearence, ---- I like some of my clothes such as my dragon shirts, but never me wearing them. i dislike seeing myself in the mirror, ---- especially as at the second I've put on slightly more weight and have less muscles than I normally do, ---- I'm not actually overweight, i know that physiologically, but I'm not the build i expect myself to be, though even if I was I wouldn't be happy.

I hate being seen wearing anything less than a T shirt and trousers, and even start getting upset if anyone is outside the bathroom door in case they come in. I've just about got to the stage where I can stand my family seeing me in pajamas without a thick dressing gown, but it stil feels uncomfortable.

it might be to do with being visually impared and thus carryin a white stick, but I always feel walking down the street that I must look an idiot.

I've never been tempted to self-harm, but sometimes the amount I despise myself is staggering, and I just want to curl up in a ball and not be seen by anyone, ---- at those times i've been known to spend 48 hours in my flat with the curtains closed.

Then of course there's the old one about feeling that nobody has anything to gain from my company, and all of my friends and my family are just increidbly kind people who tolerate me.

I'm also a chronic appologiser, and am constantly saying "sorry" for everything, ---- heck, I'm thinking of appologising for this post!

i'm not sure if these feelings are the same or not, but I'd really like to do something about them.

With my new T we've only got as far as identifying the problem, of trying to show me something worthwhile about myself. On my good days I simply don't think about it and get absorbed in something else like music, my thesis, or writing, ---- but on my bad days (like last night), it comes back with avengence).

Yes, this is a bit of a vent, but I was also wonderng if anyone had some suggestions on how to deal with this. I know exactly where this is from, two years of emotional abuse at boarding school, followed by a huge amount of crude and explicite verbal insults accompanying my abuse at secondary school, and frankly, it's now getting to the point where I'm sick of thinking of myself like this, but have no idea how to stop.


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#239421 - 07/21/08 07:29 PM Re: Dealing with despising myself [Re: dark empathy]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi dark, i too have struggled with self-loathing most of my life.

but i can trace my awareness of it, back to the beginnings of my abuse. before that, i had no ideas established in my mind about waist size, attractiveness, or any of the other measuring sticks that seem to have become part of me from the day i was first abused.

prior that day, around the age of 12 when the abuse by my older brother began, i was a happy go lucky kid. i used to love to just go into the woods on saturdays when there was no school and no chores, and just get lost in all the wonders of natural surroundings. i never thought about sexual things, and was pretty disgusted when it was once implied that my parents [who had 12 kids] 'did it'.

once my brother defined me, by introducing me to the most intense kinesthetic feeling i would ever have, and labeling me as 'to be useful for this purpose', that was when i began to have a self-image, and it was negative. from that day on, i began to attribute all my guilt and shame to the fact that i was not good enough for the world because i imagined that the world judged me by the same criteria that i judged myself. i came to believe that the most important thing in the world was to be wanted physically.

the struggle still exists for today, even though i have grown a lot over the years, and have come to terms somewhat with this negative self-talk. i have learned to recognize it and interrupt it when it insinuates itself into my perceptions.

today i spend a lot of time pondering the fact that there is life beyond my identification with a body image, a certain weight, shape or waist size.

i am trying to get to the point of restoring to myself the ron who i was prior to having this dichotomy thrust upon my consciousness in such a way as i began to relate it to myself.

i feel i am getting closer each day to losing these particular chains. i can only believe that the day of liberation is coming, because i have experienced this liberation in so many other areas of my life.

i think the resolution arises out of a rejection of a false premise that i am my body; i am not! my body is just my vehicle, and the essential part of me is the the part that does not tarnish, and cannot be tarnished, cannot be diminished by someone's opinion of me, especially my own.

you are not your body, even though some severely misguided narcissist used you in such a way as to cause you to believe that to be true.

my value and the value of every creature lies in the fact that it has being; not form or shape or character or style, or any of those tangible perishables. just because you are, that makes you good and incredible enough.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#239462 - 07/22/08 12:17 AM Re: Dealing with despising myself [Re: Sans Logos]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
I recognize the brother giving orders thing and bringing up the Mum thing. It rattles me too.

The best I am able to do is to try to anticipate those situations where he'll try to run my life and then skirt around those situations, just not bringing them to his notice.

I was struck when I saw that contact with your family precipitated your feelings of self loathing. I have experienced that too.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#239480 - 07/22/08 02:26 AM Re: Dealing with despising myself [Re: hogan_dawg]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks people.

To be honest Ron, my experience of Sa was almost the reverse of what you describe in terms of body identification. I felt that I was in one place, completely separate, and my body was in another, almost out of my control. Whatever my mind was doing, my body was doing something else, and I had no control over it. This was especially true as quite often my physical response as a teenager actually initiated abuse, ----- which is one reason I'm so afraid of anything to do with S now.

body image for me is only one part of the general self despite, that's why even though I know I'm not overweight, this doesn't have any effect on how I feel about myself. Even at the points when i've been amazingly physically fit, i've stil felt this general sense of quiet self loathing, about my body, my emotions, and anything else to do with me. So often during my abuse I was told that I was nothing, that I was deseased, , that I thought I was better than everyone else but I wasn't (with accompanying swear words and violence), I hate the idea that I actually internalized this.

Hogan, I really don't want to say that my family always make me respond like this, it just so happened that I had this particular trigger last week. The only time we tend to get into arguements is where my family are asking me to do something that I don't wish to, which happens with my mum and brother, though I always end up feeling bad on those occasions.

I've actually been getting on much better with my brother in the last few years, he's changed a lot, but quite often when we were growing up he was incredibly angry, ----- especially at me.

I always found the idea that he was competing with me to be slightly weerd, but it is true that he thought for a long while I had everything much more easy than him, ----- particularly in academic terms.

I remember when he was writing his undergrad disertation, I literally had to hide in my bedroom for three days sinse everytime I appeared he'd go ballistic at me. My parents put lots of time and energy into trying to get us to get on, though usually while growing up that simply depended upon if he had something to tell me which I was interested in hereing (sinse he would never let me tell him anything).

Recently though things have changed a lot for the better, ---- though he stil can get dictatorial.


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#239523 - 07/22/08 11:29 AM Re: Dealing with despising myself [Re: dark empathy]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
It sounds like our brothers could start a club. Sort of like Stalin and Hitler! \:D

BTW I think your academic pursuit is something that is admirable, challenging, and can give you a lot of personal satisfaction in the years to come. It's admirable that you aren't just chasing the dollars, but chasing truth instead. It takes guts. Perhaps academe was easier for you because you're more open to new ideas that challenge the 'status quo' inside your head? If so, it speaks to a kind of flexibility that can really make life delicious.

Academe isn't the only way to go. I know electricians and plumbers and unemployed guys that are flexible and adaptable and able to flexibly take in all kinds of complex stuff and enjoy their lives. I'm just saying for you, this is how your flexibility is expressed, and it's a cool thing.



Edited by hogan_dawg (07/22/08 12:08 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#239539 - 07/22/08 12:26 PM Re: Dealing with despising myself [Re: Sans Logos]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: Sans Logos
...i was a happy go lucky kid. i used to love to just go into the woods on saturdays when there was no school and no chores, and just get lost in all the wonders of natural surroundings. i never thought about sexual things...


...i came to believe that the most important thing in the world was to be wanted physically.


Pretty powerful for me to read that. I identify terribly with this.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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