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#240473 - 07/26/08 10:54 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: LittleMiss]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
LittleMiss, I'm sorry you are hurting behind everything going on in your situation. When I spoke of being pressured into a fake relationship I was reflecting on myself and things that lead to non-mutual relationships. Nothing I said was to be aimed at anyone. I also meant it wasn't a mutual understanding due to one party being sincere in their feelings and the other not. This is what makes it not a mutual understanding. No one other than the person themself is responsible for not being up front with true feelings. I still commend you all for sticking with your spouses as long as you have and hope for you the best in the end.



Edited by StartingOver08 (07/26/08 11:07 PM)

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#240525 - 07/27/08 12:04 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: LittleMiss]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Ithought Mike Lew had a good guideline on this in the F& F chapter- To make it clear that you agree your partner has EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY, Frustrated, Feel lonely, etc, but to direct it to the partner is NOT okay.

the first part being important to acknowledge first. I haven't paraphrased it ideally - Got the book out for exact quote

"When someone is in the midst of any angry outburst, he will not be amenable to reason.......Later, during a calmer time, the two of you (perhaps with a third party present)can discuss what was going on.

LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT HIM BUT ARE NOT WILLING TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE THE TARGET OF MISDIRECTED ANGER (caps mine).
By not accepting anger that doesn't belong to you, you are helping your friend focus it where it belongs. He then learns to use his anger to facilitate his recover. He then learns to use his anger to facilitate his recovery. Int his way, anger is transformed from weak, frightened, defensive posturing to the power of righteous indignation-standing up to the abuse."

then the next section, equally relevant is on Blaming- i wont' put it here but it's pg 342 if you have the book...

oh at the beginning re anger section he says- "Remember that if the angry response is completely out of proportion to what is going on at the moment, it probably has little to do with the present situation. Something in the present is restimulating old memories and feelings. The safety of the current situation allows these feelings to be expressed."

good paragraph right after that on verbal abuse. Peace, (we all want it :), An


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#240650 - 07/28/08 01:24 AM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: An]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
An, this is what I am working on with my H now. I have told him it is no longer acceptable behavior. We are working on finding better outlets for his anger, since taking it out on me is no longer an option. He does not see anyone in his family anymore, so I am always the one in the line of fire.

I told him, listen- I love you, I want this to work, but it will not if you continue to blame me for everything. I AM NOT THE ENEMY. If your mad at me, and then I'm mad at you, we are not communicating, we are talking at each other, not to each other. We were just talking in circles, and not moving foward on anything.

So now we are working together, and with the help of a T. We are partners, and I think he is starting to understand what that really means. NYDAISY


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#240652 - 07/28/08 02:04 AM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: NY Daisy]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
NY,

I believe LOVE is the answer, and LOVE heals all wounds.

I know there will be alot of soul searching before you get to that point. There is a lot of synergy to be had as healthy supportive partners. My prayers are with you both.

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#240749 - 07/28/08 05:26 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: 1islandboy]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
1islandboy,

Thank you for that. I am a big believer in love conquer's all. Getting him to believe it, that's something else entirely. We are working on it, and that's all i can ask for. I hope things are well for you.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#240786 - 07/28/08 07:47 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: StartingOver08]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: StartingOver08
LittleMiss, I'm sorry you are hurting behind everything going on in your situation. When I spoke of being pressured into a fake relationship I was reflecting on myself and things that lead to non-mutual relationships. Nothing I said was to be aimed at anyone. I also meant it wasn't a mutual understanding due to one party being sincere in their feelings and the other not. This is what makes it not a mutual understanding. No one other than the person themself is responsible for not being up front with true feelings. I still commend you all for sticking with your spouses as long as you have and hope for you the best in the end.



I wanted to cut and paste something from a PM between me and StartingOver08 - with his knowledge - concerning this, in response to his reply that he felt in his relationship it was not a mutual understanding and he was referring to his own relationship, not necessarily anyone else's.

"Thanks, I understand that. I just wanted to point out that the other part you said (about the relationship being fake, or not mutual) is probably how our husbands feel too - but that doesn't mean that it is accurate respresentation of the situation. (Like a child being afraid of a storm - to the child, the storm is a terrifying horrible entity, to the adult in the other room, it is just rain.)

That is how you felt in your relationship - but how sure are you that your partners response wouldn't have been exactly like my response. Maybe they felt that the two of you were on equal footing, while you felt you were not. That is all I wanted to point out. Yes, I understand that is how you see your side of the situation - but the other person may see it in a totally different way.

Maybe I'll cut and paste this to the public boards. Don't want everyone thinking I'm mad at you!"


I just wanted to point that out. Each person in a relationship sees it from a different angle. (And I'm not mad at StartingOver). \:\)

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#240825 - 07/28/08 09:04 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: 1islandboy]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Island,
I'm sorry... I HAVE to disagree... Because if love were the ultimate healer, I would never be where I am right now. Love was never an issue, the csa and it's effects were.
Liv


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#240895 - 07/29/08 12:53 AM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: Liv2124]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
Liv,

in time Love will heal what you're feeling now. Because God is Love.

I Love you.

Phill


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