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#240225 - 07/25/08 08:39 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: LittleMiss]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Perhaps I'm way too pessimistic but I've a tendency to agree with Liv when she says "RUN". I say that because I know me and I know the 25 years of less than ideal things I put my wife through. On the other hand I now know that the situation I found myself in was not my fault, but staying in it after realization dawned would have been.

I would not presume to say what any of the partners here should do, but if hubby/bf is unwilling to face things you're life with him from this point forward will probably not get better. Only you can make the decision that matches your situation and what you are willing to accept in the way of his behavior. Sometimes a partners love and acceptance will make all the difference. Sometimes it only solidifies the survivor in his present course of denial, etc. My heart goes out to you.

Lots of love,

John



_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#240228 - 07/25/08 09:06 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: WalkingSouth]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
John, you're post shocked me a little, but the more I think about it, I guess you're right. The thing is that when we fall in love, we usually don't know the full breadth of the man we've fallen in love with and sometimes, by the time we do, it's too late to run, unless we see that bright red line that says STOP. If you had asked me years ago if I would EVER have tolerated the crap I dealt with because of my b/f's acting out the answer would have been a resounding NO, NEVER! I learned to never say never because circumstances taught me that what I thought was absolute had gray areas I wasn't even aware existed.

Liv, no, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You're right love is not enough. It's only the first brick. If it isn't built on, then it will sit there all alone.

Little Miss, I don't have to respond to everything \:D

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#240229 - 07/25/08 09:06 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: WalkingSouth]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
I agree that it feels like you are always dealing with a double-edge sword. I find with my husband, if I tell him I love him, he acts as though I am weak, pathetic and spineless because he is walking all over me. If I stand up to him and tell him that I deserve more and won't accept his lack of respect, then I am just like his mother and am the most stubborn, self-centred person he's met. If I say both things at the same time, he is silent. I don't know what is worse.

He blames our initial struggles on the fact that I didn't communicate enough. I tried talking to him but he was always withdrawn. Then I tried writing things down, filling a journal with my thoughts and asked him to read it. He had no comment. But yet I didn't talk about the fact that our relationship was falling apart...huh??

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

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#240230 - 07/25/08 09:18 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: WalkingSouth]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Wow, tough question Littlemiss, I'm afraid I don't have much to go on. My Dad asked if my abuser was male and when I said No I suddenly became a joke. I told my Brother and his comment was "stupid cougers". When I told my best friend I was raped by a female, he said "And?" When I told my family Doctor I was raped by a female, he said "I need to get more sun". When I told my first Therapist he said "at least she tried to make you feel better when she told me "it was okay to enjoy it".

All I've ever needed was to be told my pain was understandable.

That what I felt wasn't a joke.

Incorporate that into any answer and I'm pretty sure it will land the right way.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#240233 - 07/25/08 09:27 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: Junefriday]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
WOW, powerful words, Liv,Littlemiss, Walkingsouth and trish, everything you have all said makes total sense, and I can't disagree with any of it. Good stuff, NYDAISY


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#240236 - 07/25/08 09:49 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: NY Daisy]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Mogigo, We must have been typing at the same time. I am so sorry that your disclosing was met with ignorance.

It really pisses me off that people seem to think that only men can be sick. You see female teachers getting arrested for sleeping with their students, and all they get is a slap in on the wrist, and it's touted as a love affair. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????
Woman can and do hurt children. I don't know if it has to do with woman supposedly have that "NURTURING" instinct, but we all know that is not true for everyone.
In my H's family, my H was abused by his brother. This brother also abused a few of the sisters. One of the sisters in turn abused the youngest sister. Their was a 11 yr difference in age. THose ignorant people were actually relieved to find out that it was the sister, not the brother, because in their words " at least this wasn't the same thing, this was only two innocent kids exploring." WHAT?????? It was shortly after that, I told my H I wanted nothing to do with people like that, and I certainly don't want them near my kids.(THese were his sisters, his parents stopped speaking to my H immediately after he told.)

Your pain is not a joke, and you have a right to your feelings, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, NYDAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (07/25/08 09:50 PM)

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#240266 - 07/26/08 12:33 AM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: LittleMiss]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
Liv and LittleMiss, you both are remarkable women for going through your similar situations for so long. The honorable side of both of you is that you were real about your feelings.
Realness and honesty should be major parts of what marriage is built on.
I'll say this, as men alot of times(and I know women face this too) we are peer pressured to at different degrees in our lives. You know living up to others standards when the standards have nothing to do with the way you really feel. I was being told at a younger age I would get married one day and have children (and a house on a hill with a little picket fence). That part is fine being told all of this stuff, but coming home and being pressured into relationships is bad news. You never want to pressure a person into a fake relationship, a relationship that isn't thought of by both parties as a mutual understanding or a relationship of unbalanced morals.
Painting a picture of marriage ain't so pretty when the portrait starts to come to life. Being honest and realistic in marriage is extremely important, but having that chiming voice of peer pressure involved helps impair clarity of right and wrong.
I hope in all of this I have said something worth while.
God bless.


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#240349 - 07/26/08 12:29 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: StartingOver08]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Mogigo, I was shocked to read how people reacted to you. It's amazing. What do they think rape is? What was being done to you was not asked for or wanted. How would they like it today to be forced to have sex with something that they didn't want to. I think they might find it a bit painful. Daisy is correct, pure ignorance. I'm sorry that happened to you. You do have a right to those painful feelings.

Starting Over, I think the hardest part of being a spouse to a man like mine, liv and little miss's is the fact that we don't truly know who we are married to. Which rant to do we believe, what is true? The man who comes home and says he can't take another day being married, he's not the type to be married and he shouldn't have ever been in a relationship due to his faults, or the man who looks at you and begs for you to never leave, not to give up?

I don't think any of us want to force a man to stick around, but knowing you are losing what you have because someone damaged their soul, because they feel less then, because they have been hurt is a hard way to lose a love of a lifetime. I'm lucky in that my husband has finally starting really working on himself and us, and I'm no longer fighting a losing battle.

I understand what you are saying for sure, it's just hard when who we marry isn't who we married, and trying to pick up the pieces from all that confusing and pain. We stick around and never give up sometimes just from the guilt of not being the one who proved him right, everyone just leaves and causes pain.

Never knowing what's a test and what's the real deal.

Heck ya, we are amazing woman! What does that give us? I don't know! All I can say is if I had not choosen to stay and try I would have never seen this day where my husband gives me the love I always knew was in there, gives my kids the dad they need and deserve and a man who is sleeping pretty dang good at night now, next to his wife. Is it going to last forever? omgosh I don't know if I'll ever be in peace, scared his demons might take over and take him away again....I think I'll just enjoy what I have whilst I have it......

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#240402 - 07/26/08 04:47 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: StartingOver08]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: StartingOver08
but coming home and being pressured into relationships is bad news. You never want to pressure a person into a fake relationship, a relationship that isn't thought of by both parties as a mutual understanding or a relationship of unbalanced morals.


Maybe you have forgotten that we, the spouses/girlfriends, believed that the relationship we have had all these years WAS real and WAS "thought of by both parties as a mutual relationship" - because THAT IS WHAT OUR HUSBANDS TOLD US.

We did not pressure anyone into a "fake" relationship. And the fact that our partners came home one day and suddenly declared our relationship a "fake" has absolutely nothing to do with us.

And I think that the fact that I spent all day today moving, because my husband "needs space", proves that I am not pressuring anyone into anything.

And I have no idea what you are talking about - "unbalanced morals"??

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#240403 - 07/26/08 04:54 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: mogigo]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
mogigo, I think it is terrible the way others reacted. I think maybe, in a way, a female perpetrator is worse. My husband was abused by a female family member/caregiver. It just makes life so much harder because women are supposed to be 'the nurturers', so when a woman is the perp, it just throws the world even further off balance than CSA already does. Especially when you have ignorance, such as in your case, about how "you should deal with it".




Edited by LittleMiss (07/26/08 04:55 PM)
_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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