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#239538 - 07/22/08 12:15 PM Don't Hate Me!
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
This is not a poem but some feelings I have or have had in my life.

Don't hate me because of my ego.
Don't hate me because I'm isolated.
Don't hate me because it's hard for me to trust.
Don't hate me because I'm not completely open.
Don't hate me because I get paranoid.
But please don't stop loving me because of where I'm at.
I feel I don't deserve your love because I'm not used to being loved in this way. I didn't really expect what we had to go on as long as it did. I openly blame myself because I feel what happened early on was my fault. In some way I could've prevented it(why didn't I)???

Right now I don't need you to sugar coat your love because I see the sincerity of it. I'm leaving because I don't feel exactly the same.


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#239592 - 07/22/08 08:03 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: StartingOver08]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
"I" won't hate you for any of these things, if you can talk to "me" about them.



Edited by Liv2124 (07/22/08 08:03 PM)

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#239681 - 07/23/08 06:21 AM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: Liv2124]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
Liv I know you won't hate me. Let me break it down for you.

The lines beginning with "Don't" I mentioned are things I go through at a mild level now in comparison to recent years. These are also random feelings at times, but still mild.

Where I mention, "But please don't stop loving me because of where I'm at." I was talking about how some progress I've made brings about change which rubs some people the wrong way.

Also, "I feel I don't deserve your love because I'm not used to being loved in this way. I didn't really expect what we had to go on as long as it did. Right now I don't need you to sugar coat your love because I see the sincerity of it. I'm leaving because I don't feel exactly the same." I was speaking of friendships I didn't feel completely comfortable in and I walked away from. Honesty had alot to do with walking away, from my part and theirs. Sometimes coming across a sincere friend (once in a blue moon) caused me to feel guilty and ashamed. By me not being as sincere of a friend it caused me to leave.

I also noticed someone else on MS dealing with similar feelings from a spouse. Only that man can be open and honest with himself and help is right there.


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#239692 - 07/23/08 07:35 AM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: StartingOver08]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
StartingOver08 - are you talking about me?

Of course there are so many of us, and so many of our spouses are at that point. Everything you say sounds so familiar - the "coming across a sincere friend (once in a blue moon)" - so familiar.

Originally Posted By: StartingOver08
"I feel I don't deserve your love because I'm not used to being loved in this way. I didn't really expect what we had to go on as long as it did. Right now I don't need you to sugar coat your love because I see the sincerity of it. I'm leaving because I don't feel exactly the same."


Again, so so familiar. Weird.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#239793 - 07/23/08 03:57 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: LittleMiss]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Funny how I can listen to this song and just relate

I've been to the edge, there I stood and looked down, you know I lost a lotta friend's there baby, I got no time to mess around.

Gotta bleed baby

My love is rotten to the core

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzB-3oKIfRw&feature=related


"Don't want to relate anymore", when he say's these words everything starts to change

Stay strong
Mike
_________________________

_________________________
Thriving

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#239795 - 07/23/08 04:06 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: mogigo]
jala Offline


Registered: 07/23/08
Posts: 1
OK, so speaking of spouses...i am the spouse (15 years). how do you get your man to open about the awful things that are eating away at him?


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#239800 - 07/23/08 04:45 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: jala]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
Mine just opened up. Has not told me everything. But I let him talk when he feels like it. This is the worst thing I have gone through. There is nothing I can do to help him. He doesn't want my help. Shuts me out. Living life in limbo


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#239856 - 07/23/08 07:41 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: LittleMiss]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
LittleMiss- I was referring to you I just didn't want to come across offensive. I do know what your husband's going through but I wish I could speak to you more privately. Please start to accept PMs this would help.

Jala- What Abigale said is fine. Just be a good listener for now. Also, its okay to reassure your husband of opening up to you. Besides you are his wife and aside from God you should be his main confidant.

Abigale- You have the right approach just listen for now when he opens up. I will PM you later.



Edited by StartingOver08 (07/23/08 08:01 PM)

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#240223 - 07/25/08 08:16 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: StartingOver08]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
StartingOver08,
When I responded with the "I", I was speaking more "globally". And I have to apologize, because as you know, things are winding down for me and him.
I'm am truly glad you've made progress, really. He told me he always figured he had "time" to "talk to me", I reminded him that he was right, he's had 29 years and 10 months (but who's counting?)
I have frequently been asked if I would "do it all again"... I can say that, I'd like to go on record as having changed my answer. No. If I knew after 29 years I'd lose to the ghosts, NO.
I WAS feeling guilty, but I have nothing to feel guilty about. I spent 29 years paying the price for what someone else did to him, in one way or another throughout our relationship.
Love is never enough with this. I've read many posts from both survivors and partners alike, and "love" is an incidental. He told me his "uncle" loved him too. To hear him say that, makes it a total turn-off to me. It makes me not want to love him anymore, to think my feelings could be equated to the manipulative thoughts and actions of a pedophile.
How are we "expected" to respond, to any of this? There are many a book out there and I've had many years to read them all, but there isn't a single book out there on the "proper etiquette" for the un-suspecting partner. Where we've ended up, I'd put one word on a bumper sticker "RUN!" Who's going to write the book on the right thing to say when what he's bitching about is clearly not the topic at hand? If you agree, he gets pissed. If you don't agree, he gets pissed. And to shut you up for awhile, he shuts you out with 5 little words, "Not everything is about you." I'm leaving because after all this time, I've come to the realization that NOTHING is about me.
Always,
Liv


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#240224 - 07/25/08 08:26 PM Re: Don't Hate Me! [Re: Liv2124]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Liv, back and forth, love and hate, this and that, good and bad, right and wrong - sound familiar?? You agree with him, you're an idiot, you disagree, he's an idiot. You love him, you're stupid, you don't and you're just like everyone else. My one friend that I confide in - I tell her that talking to my husband (soon to be ex, I guess) is like trying to hold a river with my hands. He's slippery, and changeable, and impossible to pin down. I know how you feel, I know, I know, I know.

I too have wondered about "proper etiquette". I have read tons of stuff about the wrong thing to say when someone discloses. Lots of guys on these boards have shared bad experiences of disclosing. BUT WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO SAY????????? No one has ever said that. I even started a post asking that question, and I think it got only one or two responses (and one of those was from Trish, and I think she HAS to respond to everything!)

And after disclosure and on into life - WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SAY????

And people say listen listen listen - BUT HE DOESN'T TALK!!!




Edited by LittleMiss (07/25/08 08:27 PM)
_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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