I grew up in a fairly affluent family. but it was also a family that had a history of drug and alcohol abuse. My father was the child of an alcoholic and my older brother was an intrevenous drug user and died of an overdose. I was abused by two different people. First I was molested (touched and fondled) by my barber growing up - he would take every opportunity to touch my groin - helping me into the seat, scooting me up in the chair, whisking cut hair off of me. At the time I thought it strange but did not often consider it. Looking back I think he was a pedophile and used his job to surreptitiously touch young boys. This occured from the time I was about 8 to 12 on a sort of bi-monthly basis. As I got older and went to high school my parents affluence afforded me the opportunity to go to europe on a school sponsered trip. I was 16 at the time and went with a friend who was two years older. I had already started my own experiment with drugs and alcohol and would routinely drink into passing out when given the opportunity. My brother had overdosed a year earlier and I was still dealing with issues of loss. In europe I was legal to buy alcohol and did. My friend And I routinely got drunk. he also introduced me to amyl nitrate which I found out only later is sometimes used in homosexual sex to lossen the sphincter muscles. And it was my friend who raped me. One night he encouraged me to drink quite a bit - he oddly drank little that night. I became paralytically drunk and had to be I imagine (i was passed out) carried back to my hotel room. I regained consciousness becoming aware that someone was performing oral sex on me. I was still too drunk to move but said that I was not gay. This did not seem to matter as he moved from oral sex to raping me anally pinning me under his weight. This was my introduction to sex. Shortly after I passed out again. I woke the next morning in my own vomit - I had thrown up while asleep. My abuser let me know that he had ensured that I did not choke on my own vomit and had saved my life. I don't know whether to believe this or not. It may have simply been an attempt to gain my silence. At any rate I could not say anything because to do so would have entailed admiting my alcohol abuse and I was not yet ready to do so (I have since quit drinking and drugging). So I remained quiet for 25 years. I did break off contact with this "friend" after returning from europe. But the damage was done. I am very slim and have fine features and had been teased relentlessly in grade school for being girlish - particularly my eyelashes. I felt that perhaps I was gay and the rape led to a great deal of gender confusion. I was confident that I was too effeminate to be considered male. This led to some sexual exploration later with a man during which I became assured I was not gay. But I have had quite a bit of difficulty overcoming the idea that I am too effeminate to be sexually attractive to women. I did marry and I brought these issues into my marraige. After 16 years I am separated from my wife - partially because of my failure to confide in her and address these issues. It was only the loss of my wife that gave me the incentive to look at my past and start dealing with it. I lost the person I love most in the world and I cannot help but think things would have been different had I not been abused. I am currently in therapy and plan to be in awhile. I no longer want to be controlled by my past.