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#239435 - 07/21/08 08:09 PM tired of ppl telling me they are a lost cause
addison70 Offline


Registered: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: texas
I am very frustrated today. I got into an arguement with my business partner over my kids. I have been in & out of the office the last couple weeks dealing with them. First, they ran away last week. My son had a hearing last tuesday & he was affraid that he would go to jail so my daughter and him ran away. Then, I have had to go to court to deal with all the tickets and trouble they keep getting into. It sux but I know that this is because of the abuse. I understand they need to be punished for what they have done but I am still going to be by there side. They are an emotional mess. They havent got strong enough to deal with what their father did to them & are acting out. My partner asked me when I was gonna see they were a lost cause. I couldnt believe he said that. I told him that I have faith in God and am going to do everything in my power to help my kids through this. If we loose our business, I will have to deal with it. I told him my kids are more important to me than money. He said I am letting them & what happened to them ruin me. Its not only him several of my friends have said the same. They have no understanding of what the kids have been through. I just keep hearing life isnt fair and they have to get over it. I was told last week that I should consider giving my rights up. I am so tired of it. any advise on what to say to them


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#239441 - 07/21/08 09:00 PM Re: tired of ppl telling me they are a lost cause [Re: addison70]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
How about -

I'm their mother and that's what moms do?

people have said the same thing about my son - I won't go into that here - but that's always been my response - going on a couple of decades now.

all the best,
Indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#239443 - 07/21/08 10:03 PM Re: tired of ppl telling me they are a lost cause [Re: indygal]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
addison70,


My daughter was raped when she was fourteen, I imeadiately found a counselor that was reffered highly by a friend. When I asked my daughter about it, she said, "No way!" So, I said, "It might get you out of gym class for the year. She said, "Sign me up!"

I don't want, in any way, to minimize the experience or the impact it has had on her life, but she was not comfortable talking to us as parents. Finding another adult, that she came to trust, had a lasting impact on her life. She is in her thirties now and has no reservations about the advantages of maintaining a support network.

I am not saying it is what you should do, I am just saying it worked for us. She felt we were being supportive...and we were not qualified to deal with the issues that come up in those circumstances. She had someone she could talk to...not her parents...that she trusted.

Good luck,


CD


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#239449 - 07/21/08 10:40 PM Re: tired of ppl telling me they are a lost cause [Re: CDavid]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
How about telling these people to mind their dang business? They sound really nosey. Its between you and the kids. You (Mom) have to do what you think is best. Good luck. \:\)

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#239450 - 07/21/08 10:55 PM Re: tired of ppl telling me they are a lost cause [Re: AndyJB2005]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
It's always easy for someone to tell you how you should act or react to something when it is not happening to them. I bet their responses would be quite different if the shoe was on the other foot.

only you get to decide what is best for your kids,and as their mother you will know what will work best for each of them,since you know them better than anyone.

You are there for them and that is the first step toward healing for ALL of you. Warmly, NYDAISY


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#239487 - 07/22/08 08:11 AM Re: tired of ppl telling me they are a lost cause [Re: addison70]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
These people are label makers and are fools. They choose not to know the truth so they can dole out judgement and feel good about themselves.

That might sound harsh, but it's no harsher than giving up hope on children that have been robbed of their innocence. They need someone to believe in them, and to teach them how to trust again, and as soon as possible.

For me as a child, I remember acting out and lashing out were tied together in some way.

Very saddening story, I'm glad you shared this dark aspect.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#239541 - 07/22/08 01:00 PM Re: tired of ppl telling me they are a lost cause [Re: cbfull]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
As a mom I have to say, I didn't know quitting was a option. Dear lord....Sure glad your business partner isn't the parent for these hurt kids....good luck

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#239565 - 07/22/08 04:57 PM . [Re: dangal]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 05:12 PM)

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#239577 - 07/22/08 06:01 PM Re: tired of ppl telling me they are a lost cause [Re: bardo213]
addison70 Offline


Registered: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: texas
i have had all 3 of them in counseling off and on for the last 4+ yrs. My son has always had the hardest time with it. I have had several counselors tell me he wasnt ready and I was wastin my money. But it seems that my youngest is startin to have some issues...It is really frustratin the people that we should be able to get support from are givin up on them.


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#239583 - 07/22/08 07:07 PM . [Re: addison70]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 05:12 PM)

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#239631 - 07/22/08 11:04 PM Re: tired of ppl telling me they are a lost cause [Re: bardo213]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Addison,

How about, "well I appreciate your opinion, but I don't recall asking for it, so if you don't mind, I'll just forget this conversation" A**hole!

I'm sorry your dealing with morons on top of having to be the best Mom you can be to hurting kids. But the morons are easier to dismiss - please do your best to accomplish this for your own sake.

I can't imagine how badly you and your kids are hurting. The acting out doesn't surprise me one bit. I wish I had a failsafe answer on how to fix it, but I don't. They talk to you, maybe not alot, but at least some which is good. They know you're Mom and they also probably know that their behavior is hurting you; they just don't know what to do to stop it.

I remember when my daughter started driving, I heard about the "new driver contract" and found it online. I used the basic contract and modified it a bit with my own rules. The gist of it was that there were certain things she absolutely had to do to maintain the car and most importantly, keep herself and her passengers safe. There were rules that could NOT be broken and maybe others that we could talk about. As she got more experienced as a driver, things were modified (like how far away from home she was allowed to drive) It wasn't perfect, nothing is, but it did give us a starting point and she knew the boundaries she needed to maintain if she wanted to stay mobile.

Do you think one or all of the kids would respond to "making a deal" with you about some of the behaviors that are more difficult and harmful to them and all of you as a family? For instance, if they get a parking ticket, they pay it and lose the car for a week, except for work and school. If they get a speeding ticket, again, they pay it, but they lose the car for longer and they have to reimburse you for the lawyer, if there is one. By the same token, if their driving record is perfect for a year, you'll make an insurance payment as a reward.

I'm sure there is alot more you're dealing with other than car trouble, I'm just using it as an example.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#239686 - 07/23/08 06:51 AM Re: tired of ppl telling me they are a lost cause [Re: bardo213]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
Addison, your kids aren't beyond help they just need the right counseling. I tried counseling and it does work as long as you take heed to it. Progress has to be shown from your kids part. First, having more respect for you as a parent and understanding what its doing to you when you have to repeatedly step in during their troubled times. I know at a younger age I did take my mother through some times I wish I hadn't. But as a young person I learned I didn't have to act out and I eventually understood what it was doing to her as a single mother. I was molested as a youth but I knew it wasn't her fault. If anything I wanted my mother to be at peace. Try persuading them to understand your hurt in all of this. I believe it will get better for you and your family.



Edited by StartingOver08 (07/23/08 06:55 AM)

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