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#239842 - 07/23/08 07:01 PM Re: Hate me [Re: LittleMiss]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
I just want to shake him sometimes. my D doesn't like him anymore, she says he is messing up the whole family.
i try to tell her to give him time, but in my mind i am thinking the same thing. the only thing i don't care about his T is that she has him focusing all on himself, what about everyone else????? thank you littlemiss, i know you are hurting as well. i guess i am just feeling sorry for myself


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#239854 - 07/23/08 07:37 PM Re: Hate me [Re: Abigale]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
I think the therapist is making him focus on himself because so often survivors put all their effort into focusing on others, creating the 'perfect' environment, always 'doing the right thing' for everyone else. I think that is what my husband has done and it sounds a little like maybe yours did too? By focusing on himself - his needs, his wants, maybe it will help him see what he REALLY wants and feels. You mentioned he said he felt that your marriage was fake - mine said that too. If he focuses on himself MAYBE he'll find his true feelings and realize the marriage isn't a "fake".

Mine is not in therapy - but he did say "I need to do this (separation/divorce) for me. I always do what everyone else wants, or the right thing. This is what I need to do." It sounds selfish if I say that out loud to anyone outside this forum, but I don't think it is - it is him trying desperately to find himself. I have so much faith and I believe in and love him so much, that is the only thing keeping me from falling apart.

Hey - I think this is the first time I have actually been the one to offer 'advice'. I guess I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself too. Thanks.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#239932 - 07/24/08 01:05 AM Re: Hate me [Re: LittleMiss]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Dear Abigale, Hi! Do you see a T on your own? If not I strongly recommend that you do. It helps so,so so,much. I read you have been with your H for 20 yrs. I've been with mine for 19yrs. My H has never said the marriage is fake. His line for our marriage is that he is in it "all by himself." Really, what have I been doing all this time?

My H when he is going through a hard time gets very hurtful and nasty. What we as the spouses have to remember is that whatever he is saying about you, HE REALLY FEELS ABOUT HIMSELF. Now is that easy, no way. My problem with my spouse right now is even though he is calming down, and starting to feel better(we are in T together also) he needs to find better coping skills because making me the target of his pain and anger is no longer acceptable. I told him I will not be treated that way anymore.

They take it out on us because we are the closest person to them,and I know for my spouse he no longer talks to anyone in his family, so he can't put it where it really needs to be. I told him he should write letters,and not mail them. He also told me that because I am a strong individual that he thought I could just take it, that he didn't even realize how hurt I was.

For him to heal, it has to be about him. He has to do it at his own pace. THat does not mean it should be done at your expense. You deserve to be respected. I read that you have kids, me too. His healing should not come at their expense either. That is why I told my H if he decides to leave then that is it,FINAL, so he had better be sure. I was not going to confuse them.

I know it is so hard. I am sorry you had a bad day, (((HUG)))
and never apoligize for babbling, which to me 4 lines is NOT babbling, it has to be 5 lines or more(LOL).
Warmly, NYDAISY


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#239934 - 07/24/08 01:59 AM Re: Hate me [Re: LittleMiss]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Dear LittleMiss, First off you gave great advice to Abigale.

So you had a whirlwind romance? Me too. I met my H at work, went out on one date, nine months later, married. Now I wonder if he rushed things because he was afraid I'd notice something. I didn't know about his abuse until we were married for 5 yrs and I had just had our second child. He was awful to me for two yrs before that. Blamed me for his lifeand anything else he could blame me for.

I am sorry your H went and got those divorce papers. I wasn't aware you could do that either.

I hope you don't believe all that stuff he said about how he begged you back because he felt sorry for you, and got engaged to make you happy and so forth... that is such crap. It just a tactic that some men use to hurt you or end the conversation. They have to protect themselves at all costs.

Why is your H not willing to see a T? It would help so much. What about marriage counseling? Would he possibly be open to that. He has so much going on in his head and he really needs to get it out. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to walk in their shoes. They probably use the word fake to describe a marriage,not because the marriage was fake, but they feel fake. They have had to live with this secret, and make things up as they went along, just to survive the day, that many of these men don't even have a full understanding as to who they are. That choice or option was taken from them. Now they need to find out. My H has called me narcissistic. I am not. It's just that I know me, he knows me. When someone asks me for a favor and I can't or do not feel like doing it, I have no problem saying no. HE is like, "what kind of person does that? you are so selfish." He would do everything for everyone ,he never said no. He wanted everyone to like him. I don't care. I told him why would I do something I clearly do not want to do, and be miserable the whole time, what would be the purpose of that, wouldn't I just be resentful and pissed off? He was like WOW. All of my friends know that if I offer, I REALLY MEAN IT. They take me up on it. As for my H, after 19 yrs he is learning you can't please everyone, so you need to please your self first. He was so proud the first time someone asked him for a favor, and it was totally out of his way and he said no. How did that make you feel? His answer, really damn good. Boy I got off the beaten trail.
My point is he does need to find out who he is but is he sure he really wants to do that alone? His wavering only leaves you confused. If you leave then no one else knows about it, so how will he heal? He will need someone, so why shouldn't be you. He really needs to think this through. It is not fair to you. You can't spend the rest of your life in limbo, waiting. Also he cannot get a divorce if you don't sign the papers, correct?
Well I'm getting sleepy, and probably don't make much sense anymore, so I'll end now. Warmly, NYDAISY


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#239957 - 07/24/08 07:43 AM Re: Hate me [Re: NY Daisy]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
He won't see a therapist because 10 years ago, he did see one (or he says more than one). I asked him why he went. He said it was after his friend was killed. (He had 4 different friends get killed in 5 years - auto accident, motorcycle accident, hit by a train, and murdered. My husband had to be a witness at the trial.) So, during the time of the trial, my husband's then girlfriend cheated on him & they broke up, and the family member (perp) died and my husband started to remember. He went to therapy - BUT never told them about the abuse.

He says that the different therapists he went to said they couldn't help him, that he suffered Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. They gave him medicine that didn't work and they called him crazy. (This is of course, his interpretation of the situation.)

So, NO, he refuses to go back. I sent him a link to this site and told him to just check it out. I told him that all those "alone" and "crazy" feelings he has, that there are other people dealing with the same situation and that they can maybe help - IF NOTHING ELSE, JUST TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE, AND HOW YOU FEEL IS "NORMAL" FOR YOUR SITUATION. AND TO SEE THAT OTHERS WORK THROUGH IT AND CAN FEEL BETTER.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#239959 - 07/24/08 08:06 AM Re: Hate me [Re: LittleMiss]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
NY Daisy & Little Miss
Yes I am seeing a T on my own. It is hard cause she only sees my side.There are things that she says that I really don't agree, she thinks he is questioning his sexuality, maybe hes gay, I brought up the myth about that, and she agreed. Then she said she wanted me to read a book about sexual addiction, that maybe he has that, I don't see that either. She suggested for him to come to a visit, but he won't. He likes his which is good. I know eventually we are supposed to go to his together.
You both have given me such good advise. I was just having a bad day yesterday. Sometimes its hard to be the strong one, for me and the kids. I was in the why me mode. I want to hang in there. Yesterday he was normal, like old times. I try not to let it play with my head. But I do feel a distance.
Little Miss, how long has your H been going through this? Do you think if you don't sign the papers like NY Daisy said he might change his mind?
Thank you ladies for helping me through this. You are truely lifesavers.


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#240042 - 07/24/08 08:07 PM Re: Hate me [Re: Abigale]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
NYDaisy - I tried to send you a PM, but it is the first one I have sent. Just wanted to make sure it 'worked'.

Abigale - I replied to yours. Again - I didn't even know that was an option, until NYDaisy said that I wasn't accepting them, so I have fixed that.

I'm kinda in limbo about signing/not signing. Right now, he is offering me a pretty good settlement. I would have a big problem if he suddenly decided he didn't want to be responsible for stuff and I had to fight him on it. Even if we split bills 50/50, it would hurt me.

So, I don't know.
Don't sign the papers = MAYBE save him/maybe hurt me.
Do sign the papers = maybe protect myself/maybe hurt him/definately hurt us both

I just don't know.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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