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#239518 - 07/22/08 11:14 AM Re: Hate me [Re: Abigale]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Dear Lil Miss,

This is one one of my favorite songs.

The difference in relating, is my marriage was broken. We were both to sick, I couldn't save her. (at this point, I am elated she is gone). Personally, I am sick and tired of sleeping on a couch for SEVERAL years, and I also do a very poor immitation of a sex camel. This is an owning my side of the street, and moving on song. (for me).

The big difference here is that you have feelings and you want very much for this relationship to work. I'm still thinking there is a big difference between separation and divorce.

It is hard to get inside a wounded warriors defense, we survived, the best way we knew how and this was a neccesssary component.

I'm sure there are more questions than answers for the wounded warrior. He feels it would be easier if you hated him. Of course it would be easier, that doesn't mean, It is right and just.

I used to stuff my feelings with alcohol, and tried to somehow think my way through this thing. Problem is, that doesn't work, it is a total waste of time. The only way, for me, to get through this thing is to feel my way through it.

I am trained to control traffic, and can take control of any given traffic intersection at any given time, Sometimes with vehicles going every whichaway the feelings are very intense/ with a dash of vulnerability. (I have figuratively nicknamed this activity, "The dance with death").

I have found the music and the dance very cathardic. With all the confusion I'm sure he feels lost and hopeless. None of my business, But with this confusion, I feel, he probably isn't qualified to make even a simple decision about your relationship.

I do understand the desire to flirt and dance with the madness. For me it was the only way to find my sanity.


Lunatic fringe..... I know your out there, You're in heartache, and I know what your looking for... (Red Rider)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#239526 - 07/22/08 11:36 AM Re: Hate me [Re: Abigale]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
To all the women that are going through similar situations with your spouses I applaud you. I can only imagine its not easy but very honorable when considering the society we all come from. Little Miss, is your husband a member of Male Survivor? If so I would like to chat with him concerning his feelings because I've been where he is now. I never married but almost did at an earlier age. The feelings you discribed him displaying sounds all so familiar.


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#239537 - 07/22/08 12:12 PM Re: Hate me [Re: StartingOver08]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
There is so much good information here today. This is a crossroad in his life. Unfortunately I am in the middle of the intersection. One day he tells me theres no us, the next he is cuddling with me. Is this normal? When i become distant he asks me whats the matter. when I am attentative he backs away. I am trying to be strong. I want our marriage to work. We have our whole lives ahead of us to follow all the dreams we made.


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#239540 - 07/22/08 12:29 PM Re: Hate me [Re: Abigale]
StartingOver08 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Baltimore
Abigale, I will say this prior to marriage is when we should analyze ourselves individually, and most closely. This allowed me to rethink marriage and become more honest with myself and others.




___________________________________________
Words to live by:
Never start a party on the grounds of predestined disaster.


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#239642 - 07/22/08 11:26 PM Re: Hate me [Re: NY Daisy]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: NY Daisy
One thing that sticks out for me is that he WANTS YOU TO CALL HIM IN THE MORNING. I don't think he is as ready to let go as he says he is.
That is a very thoughtful thing to say.

I remember one time my H was talking about how we should seperate, my car got a flat,and he came to fix it. I told him it was really nice of him to come( he left work to do it.) He said to me," don't you know that no matter what,I will always be there for you, whenever you need me?" I clung to that line like my life depended on it. I have been learning to "read or listen" between the lines, and in your situation I see that line as a positive inbetween all the negative.
Warmly, NYDAISY


Well, I cling to his words also. But then I get really confused. He says he wants a divorce, that he can't be with me/anyone. Then he says he is not abandoning me and loves me. So - I get confused because I think - is wanting to get a divorce the bad stuff and really he means the good stuff? OR does he really mean the bad stuff and is only saying the good stuff because 'it is the right thing to say'? I just go back and forth in my mind.

He said that once I moved out, since he wouldn't be able to wash my car, that he would make sure he called the local car detail guy and have him come by to clean my car once a week. That's not typical 'divorce behavior'. See - back and forth.

Abigale - I understand how you feel. My husband also says our good marriage was a fake. He too holds me close one night and runs away the next.

StartingOver08 - I WISH he was a member of the site. I have told him about it, but as far as I know, he has not looked at it or joined. It struck me what mogigo said - about helping others helped him. My husband 'hates' himself for what happened to him, BUT he always tries to see good and help other people. IF ONLY he could be in a situation with other survivors, I KNOW that he would not blame them, not thing badly of them - thus maybe helping him to see that he shouldn't blame or think badly of himself. Maybe? But, we live in a rural area. I can't get him to see a therapist, much less FIND some kind of support group (I know there are retreats to go to - but he is SO not ready for that, but SO desperately in need of it).

SO - the big thing going on right now?? He left last night at 9:00 and slept somewhere else (don't know where). He called me this morning to make sure I was ok and to tell me he was at work. Then I got home tonight and there is a note on the 'frig that says "SEE YOU TOMORROW. LOVE, ****" Again, I don't know where he is.

Never, never, never has he done anything like this. I would be stupid not to think maybe he really is seeing someone else, but I just really don't think so. I don't know. Some survivors act out sexually also. He never has with anyone else - but maybe now we've come to that? But I just don't know.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#239690 - 07/23/08 07:28 AM Re: Hate me [Re: LittleMiss]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
I just wanted to say that he called me this morning. He was at his work (caller id) and he was there 2 hours before it opens. So - again, I am positive it is not another woman.

He said he hates this. He said he had been staying in a hotel and would come home tonight. I told him that I have the key to the new apartment - he said, 'no worries - lets take our time'.

I told him that I wished he could feel better - he said that he wished that too. Is that a step??? WANTING to feel better - then actually TRYING to feel better (like talking to a therapist or group)????? I wish he would try - but he just refuses.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#239818 - 07/23/08 05:26 PM Re: Hate me [Re: LittleMiss]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Littlemiss, I read both your posts and actually wanted to send you a private post but you are not accepting them.

I totally get what you are saying. The thing for me is that he is very confused.He wants you, he doesn't want you. To me this is not the time to make any rash decisions. My H has been the same way at times. He is now coming down from his state of confusion. He even bought me flowers today.

anyway this is such a difficult desicion to make, and I think you need to be very careful, even though he at times has been pushing you so hard to leave, he also says things like what he said above about not having to rush to move out, he is conflicted. You moving out could backfire on you.(Sorry survivors) I know for my spouse, even though he would say he wanted out, had I ever left or made him leave, his response would have been,"see I knew she would leave, just like everyone else. I knew I couldn't trust her. I knew she thought I was damaged ect..." He might not be able to recover, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS HIS IDEA. They have very fragile egos. They were hurt by the people who should have loved them, they expect everyone to abandon them.(Am I wrong guys?)

I'm sorry I sound like I am trying to talk you out of it, I'm not. I am on the side that is best for you. You clearly do not want to lose your H, and from all your posts, I'm not convinced he wants to lose you. The second time my H spiralled out of control and he was pushing me away I told him one day, " I know what you are doing, and it is not going to work." he asked what I meant, and I told him that he was pushing me away, and plain and simple it just was not going to work, so you need to stop. You are not getting rid of me that easy. All he said was "OH"
Months later he said to me "I'm glad your stubborn."

So I am on your side,and am here for you, if leaving is the only answer for you, then that is what you need to do, you must always do what is right for you, follow your instincts they always know, WARMLY, NYDAISY


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#239822 - 07/23/08 05:47 PM Re: Hate me [Re: NY Daisy]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
NY Daisy
I am having such a hard time today. Why is my H pushing away the only one that didn't hurt him. All I do is love him. It is so hard to be living like we are strangers. He says such hurtful things. Tells me this is all about him and his feelings. No matter who he hurts, me the kids, its about him. I am trying to look into myself more and not him, sometimes its so hard. I feel like my whole world is crumbling. I am just feeling very sad at this moment. Sorry for babbling.


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#239827 - 07/23/08 06:10 PM Re: Hate me [Re: NY Daisy]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
NYDaisy - I fixed that private message thing. I didn't know how it worked - but I checked that I would accept them.

I too thought/think that he didn't REALLY want me to leave. That's why I've been stalling. It has been a month. He is still insisting. He even went to the court house and got one of those 'divorce packets'. Apparently they have a whole stack on the counter, 10 bucks to get one, fill it out, see a judge, 180 days later, boom - divorced. Ain't that grand??! I REALLY didn't think he'd go get one - BUT HE DID.

We have been together 7 years. Lived together 3, married 4. We worked together for a couple of months, went out on a date on a Friday - I moved in with him the following Monday. 3 months after that, we moved to another state. He disclosed to me 4 months later. He 'broke up with me' then. Insisted I move out. I did because I didn't know what else to do. I lived in the other apartment for a week. Then he begged me to come back. I did. We moved again. Got engaged. Got married.

I asked him about all that. NOW he says he only 'begged' me back because 'he felt sorry for me', only got engaged because he thought that was 'what I wanted', and only got married because he 'felt like he had to.' Like I wouldn't have noticed that for 7 years he didn't want to be with me??

So, all that aside, I guess in the back of my mind - I'm thinking, well, when I moved out the first time (7 years ago) - he calmed down and moved through it. Will it work this time?? I HAVE NO IDEA...

He is supposed to come home tonight. Maybe we can talk more. Maybe I can make some sense of what to do. I have told him repeatedly that if I move, then he can come see me, come stay with me, that he can always come home to me, no matter what happens or how long, he always can. I told him - whether I am with you or without you - I still love you just the same, so pushing me away isn't going to "save" me, I'll just be out there loving you still.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#239829 - 07/23/08 06:14 PM Re: Hate me [Re: Abigale]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Abigale - I think I must have been in the middle of writing my post while you were writing yours. I just want to say that I hear you and I understand perfectly what you are going through. Didn't you mention that your husband is going to therapy? That's good if he is. Mine will not. He is just spiraling downward rapidly. I know how much you are hurting, I read your posts and I feel exactly what you are feeling - except we do not have children - so your situation is that much harder. I'm so sorry - I have no advice - I'm in a whirlwind as well - I just wanted you to know I hear you. This site has been my lifeline.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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