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#239336 - 07/21/08 12:55 PM I want.....possibly *triggering*
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
I want, no...I need for people to be happy.

There it is. Put yer hands on the sreen and say, "Hallelujah!" with me.

All right, okay, seriously, what is up with that?

I do not think I am an especially stupid person, I train well. But, I am not getting it?

I use to think that it was about, how, if the people around me were not happy, that it would trigger that well of lonliness inside of me. You know? But I have spent a good amount of time working on that and it seems not to be the real issue.

Okay...how about? I want people to love me? Hmmm? Not that these are in any particular order, just throwing them out there randomly.

Yea, yea, I know, I do...there is a lot to be said for the concept of, "Be who you are...to Hell with everybody else." But, you know, the hard part is figuring out who you are...and, on top of that...there is always the, I am trying (believe it or not) to improve my relationships, not create more distance.

Okay then, moving right along...

How about, my dad and mom use to take off, just leave all the time??? Yea, odd, I know...but really, on the scale of the things they did, that did the least amount of physical damage. He would be gone for weeks, take all the money out of the checking account and take off for places unknown. My mother would just take off for the day, sometimes overnight.

Hmmm?


Trying to sort this out because it sucks in the real world. As I get older I have less energy to devote to it...it makes me angry, but when push comes to shove it feels like a compulsion. Like, hey, I got to do it.

What do you think?


:-)


CD

Oh, yea...how do you put those little emoticons in yer posts...I like those a lot!



Edited by CDavid (07/21/08 12:56 PM)

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#239355 - 07/21/08 02:26 PM Re: I want.....possibly *triggering* [Re: CDavid]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
In the case of me and my family I don't try any more to ensure they are happy. They have some pretty exquisite needs that I can't fill. And even if I could, I wouldn't because I'm the one that emotionally pays. Since they cause great distress, often and consistently, I do what I can to minimize and lighten relations.

Saying "Be who you are...to Hell with everybody else." strikes me as a bit sociopathic - you can't say 'to hell with everybody else' because then you're pretty much alone. And that's no fun either. Besides, good relationships are part of the spice of life. And if you can't treat relationships with more respect you probably don't deserve them.

Everyone would probably like to totally just 'be themselves', whatever that means, and slap their buddy's wife on the ass, or go into his fridge and take out a beer and not offer him one, but that's just going to alienate him from you, and that's no good.

I wonder, is there really just one 'self' that is 100% consistent and a truly single consciousness?

Trying to figure out "who you are" is exciting but daunting if you're looking for a single unitary 'self' that transcends all situations for consistency or 'uniformity'. I don't put much stock into the idea that I am a singularly consistent 'self' in every conceivable context and circumstance. It is prudent, I think, to possibly allow for the chance that the 'self' is actually a series of modules, like hats, that we have in our wardrobe, and we wear when each hat is appropriate. Obviously I'm oversimplifying consciousness and self because it's not as simple as putting on a hat, but the metaphor works because we have all seen the metaphor before and there is something 'slippery' about the idea of a single self we can all easily know and understand.

Dunno if that helps, but I personally don't think there's one tangible 'self' - I think there's one person, but maybe a number of context specific versions of the self - like software versions we use as required.

I have a Buddhist buddy that had an affair on his wife. His behavior was totally in keeping with how he related to me, talking about women in their 20's and how hot they were and how he'd like to go back and behave as he did before marriage, but it was totally out of step with the 'self' he gave to his wife and kids. And both of those are way out of step with the 'self' that he gives to his workplace, or strangers. Or the 'self' he gives out now, to everyone, now that the affair is done. The reason I mentioned he was Buddhist is because he himself was questioning the 'consistency' of his selfhood to try to figure out why it happened and what went wrong - he called it 'levels' of awareness. He didn't like calling it 'compartmentalizing' because he said that wasn't what he was doing.

I think he's just like the rest of us - life has too many complexities to be totally 100% the same 'self' from one situation to another. We muddle through and 'aim' to be consistent in the right ways, but very often it is hindsight that can tell us if we succeeded.




Edited by hogan_dawg (07/21/08 03:39 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#239360 - 07/21/08 02:48 PM Re: I want.....possibly *triggering* [Re: CDavid]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi cd! ok, for now i will respond to the most important part of your post : inserting emoticons [don't hit me! i'm only joking! LOL]

when you want to reply to a message, always choose the reply button immediately following the post itself. there is a row of options there, and the reply the button to the far left is the one that will give you the opportunity to be more creative with links and photos. you can also quote things people say from there if you want to do that.

otherwise, you can just go to the post at the top of the thread
and on the upper left hand corner you will see the option for 'new reply'. selecting that will give you the full range of options.

once you get the hang of things you will figure out how to do it from any reply field, but that takes a bit more time.

i'll ponder the other ideas you presented and respond a bit later,

let us know if you have any other questions \:D

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#239420 - 07/21/08 07:28 PM Re: I want.....possibly *triggering* [Re: CDavid]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
\:\)

All right!


See, I train well... ;\)


Thanks San Logos...

hogan dawg,

I wonder, as you talk about self...for those of us who only know this life...there is no before and after as in the case of an outsider or extended family member as a perpetrator...I wonder if the self you talk about requires an attachment to another. First and foremost.

Not as a mirrored reflection, but as someone that might stand with you in the mirror so that you might see that there is you...and there is me...


CD


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#239783 - 07/23/08 02:45 PM Re: I want.....possibly *triggering* [Re: CDavid]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I wish I could add something meaningful, but it looks like I'm clueless. Just that I read your post and could feel your frustration and that I care.

Lance


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#239864 - 07/23/08 08:03 PM Re: I want.....possibly *triggering* [Re: CDavid]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Thank you, Lance,

\:\)

Truly


CD


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#239879 - 07/23/08 08:36 PM Re: I want.....possibly *triggering* [Re: CDavid]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Maybe a little bit of the perfect child mixed in with the people-pleaser, both two of a number of normal reactions. My older sister was the perfect child but now is the model isolated child. My little sister assumed the perfect child role later and also was a bit of a people-pleaser groupie follower-type, before becoming a strident voice and therapist in the anti-abuse community post-recovery. And I adopted a very standoffish and angry personality combined with huge illegal drug and alcohol problems. Now I am a bit over 8 years since leaving my last in-person group and almost 8 years and 8 months clean off of my drugs of choice, and 8 years and 6 months on the same job, though I am currently on an extended medical leave.

Maybe check out John Bradshaw's book THE FAMILY sometime. Or Mic Hunter's books like his first book ABUSED BOYS, which I found helpful when it first came out 18 years ago.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#239881 - 07/23/08 08:41 PM Re: I want.....possibly *triggering* [Re: Trucker51]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Thanks, Mark,

Congratulations on the 8 years and 8 months clean!!!

Not a fan of Hunter...and have read some Bradshaw. Thanks for the suggestion.

Thank you,


CD


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