I'm brand new here and soooo confused. I met this guy several months ago. I'm much older than him but it didn't seem to make a difference to either of us. Every thing was fine for a couple of months then I noticed changes in him. He told me at one point that he'd been molested by his mother. He told me no details. I stayed calm and told him I was sorry that happened to him and offered my support. I told him if he wanted to discuss it with me further that was fine with me. Time passed and he never seemed to want to discuss it and I didn't press it. I started noticing personality changes and he abruptly started treating me differently, with less respect, etc. We broke up a couple of times. Trying to shorten this a little...I found he's lied to me about several important issues. I've never yelled at him or lost my temper just tried to explain this isn't acceptable in a relationship. I gave it 3 wks of relatively bad behavior and we brokeup again. Then he confesses to me he's been on and off drugs some during that time. His story changes all the time and I'm terribly confused. I printed out some material from the about dot com site about counseling, etc and asked him to read it. Anyway his mom is in town and gave him a bad time (she yells at him alot appearantly) and again today. So he called me and said he's at the hospital and tried to kill himself. I went but they refused to let me see him, gave him a sedative. I think they may have disapproved of me cause I'm much older than him...I don't know.

Please tell me, is this common behavior for someone who is a victim of incest? I know everyone is different but any guidance at all would be greatly appreciated. I'm very concerned for him and don't know what to do. He's ADD also.

ADDED ON: Doesn't anyone have any advice? Do I assume they'll keep him for observation in the psych ward? Do I call and ask to speak to the Dr? What do I tell the Dr if I do call? I'd be breaking a confidence if I tell about the incest but in the case of attempted suicide...I don't know what to do or think. Thanks.

Hi Confused,

It sounds like your X-BF is in the right place. We only can hope he takes advantage of this opportunity to be open and honest with the hospital staff and begin to deal with his real issues. Whatever happens, you have to remember it's not your job or responsibility to fix him. He has to take that responsibility for himself.

I would also suggest that you are in a very difficult position here. You have broken off the relationship for good reasons and he is dragging you back in. I know that you don't want to break any confidences, but attempting suicide, as you well know, is a very serious and desperate act. Personally, I would call the doctor and tell him that you had a very short relationship with him and have broken it off. That you don't want to become too much involved but have some information that may be valuable in treating him. Tell him that your ex-BF recently confessed to incest and that you would appreciate it if your name was not mentioned. Whatever happens in the future, you know that you gave the information to a professional that was in a position to help him, in good faith.

You may also want to consider setting up an appointment with a therapist for yourself. This is a very painful and confusing situation and getting a objective professional opinion would not do any harm.

Good luck,

Brian

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