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#239144 - 07/20/08 11:12 AM Fighting the good fight, naked?
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
I am writing this out here for myself, it means more to me to share my thought with you guys but I am also asking for anyone to comment, it will be appreciated.


After the molestation I was very afraid that others would hate me or call me names; like they saw right through me, knew exactly what happenned that night. This lasted for years and just recently came to a stop but something surfaced that I was not prepared for. I began living without the coping mechanisms and the alcohol. The anxiety came out in physical forms and now I am learning more and more that I have hidden this monster "anxiety" away, coped with it in many ways for many years. I believe I held it at bay and now it is surfacing hard and it is kicking me right where it hurts.

I want to list the things I used to do here:

I worked out daily in the gym, thinking I could become bigger; that would take the edge off. I will draw attention to myself by looking large and different. The problem is; when I did get attention I got anxious but trying to gain size seemed to atleast give me something to look forward to. Now that I no longer use or feel motivated to use the "get big" strategy I am forced to face the demon.

Drinking is another thing I no longer do, just lost interest in it. I used it for liquid courage as they say, and it worked. It got me through my highschool days thats for sure. Now that I don't use it the demon "anxiety" is raging war inside of me.


Sex or porn was my control and all time favorite thing to do. My father exposed me to it very young and I soon found out that it took the edge off of everything. Well you all know that it also puts guilt and condemnation on pretty heavy as well. Right when you finish the mind numbing task it adds insult to the injury by tacking on the "what the hell did I just do and why did I do it?" mentality. This coping mechanism still lingers in my tool bag but it does not have as much power in taking the edge off, now I look but don't tuch so to say.

These are just a few of the things I did to help with the underlying anxiety issue and now that I no longer want them in my life I am stuck facing the giant on my own.


I never knew I had anxiety, I bragged about how strong I was when my wife was falling apart with OCD and panic attacks. I have never knowingly fought to live one day at a time like this before. I have never feared anything so much until now and I thought I had this thing licked.

Question:

Is it possible or has anyone experienced it like I have? Can you wake up one day after you have successfully put down your old coping mechanisms and have anxiety pounce on you like a charging lion?

Is is possible that I have taken down my defences and am now standing naked. Has anxiety been waiting on me all this time and now I have to deal with it in a new way, a healthy way?

How could I have had anxiety, mostly fear of people knowing about the molestation and never experienced the things I am feeling now, tight throat, swallowing difficulties etc. Did my old coping mechanisms work so well that I was albe to keep the physical symptoms away?

Anybody have any ideas, I would be glad to hear your take on this matter.

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#239145 - 07/20/08 11:17 AM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: John Oarc]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
John,

When I stopped "medicating" with working out, by getting drunk, all the things I use to medicate with...yea, it came rolling in with a vengence.

My therapist was thrilled, me? I am not so sure. :-) But, as he pointed out, here it is, now we can deal with it. The truly important part of that phrase being, "We."


:-)


CD


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#239156 - 07/20/08 12:31 PM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: CDavid]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
CDavid, thanks for the reply. What have you experienced, if you don't mind me asking, i.e. what have you done to deal with the void or the change I guess I should say.

Thanks again,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#239157 - 07/20/08 12:37 PM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: John Oarc]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
My thing right now is realizing that all this is real. People do struggle with this anxiety every day and that is strange to me. I used to just wake up and hit the ground running now I find myself waking up wondering what the day is going to do to me. I have no idea one day to the next if I am going to have anxiety or one of its many symptoms. The fear of not knowing what the hell is going on is enough. It seems like I use to have my mind now it seems to have me. My body does things it wants to do without my permission and I have never had this happen until now. Sorry for the rambling but I have been doing so good and now it seems like I'm still doing good but with a suprise twist ending. I am happy that I am here at this point but did not expect this.

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#239187 - 07/20/08 03:40 PM . [Re: John Oarc]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 05:11 PM)

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#239193 - 07/20/08 04:49 PM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: bardo213]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
The anxiety thing is new to me too. I, too, have been eliminating old coping mechanisms. I stopped drinking two years ago. I have focused my efforts on stopping the porn addiction and compulsive masturbation. I'm having mixed success with that.

I've been working on these things for quite a while...and now the new item just added to the mix is dealing with the CSA which began in April. With that came an entirely new monster...anxiety especially around people and in public places where there is a lot of noise and activity. It makes me want to run and hide. Another thing that sets me off is being with excessively talkative or manic people. My aunt is like this. Yesterday I wanted to crawl out of my skin to get away from her. My T tells me this is because I'm in a very vulnerable stage as I come to terms with my CSA after spending 30 years in denial over it.

The strange thing is that I am generally a socialable person. Even now I have no problem with public speaking. In fact I enjoy it (perhaps there is a sense of control in it...hmmm). But in other circumstances I just want to run away.

John, you're not alone brother. I'm looking for answers here too. I am glad to know I'm not the only one in this rickety boat.

Be well,
Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#239211 - 07/20/08 07:31 PM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: Barkabus]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Thanks guys, Mike it appears that we all go about this in our own unique ways. I did not get the anxiety until after I had worked on the CSA for ten years. I think it matters not how we do it or how we react as long as we go through the process of healing. I'm just in a bit of a state with the anxiety. It's all knew to me and I don't like it at all. I think I will beat this thing, I just need time to sort it out. Mike, lynchmob thanks for the replies. I still get excited when I get to talk to my brothers. You guys are the greatest in my book.

Thanks,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#239215 - 07/20/08 08:22 PM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: John Oarc]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184


"CDavid, thanks for the reply. What have you experienced, if you don't mind me asking, i.e. what have you done to deal with the void or the change I guess I should say."

John,

I'll tell ya, in all honesty, it was hard. Truly. I was the president of my own company, but this put me on my butt. Many times.

The thing was, it made sense to me. I stopped doing all the things that I used to disconnect from it...and, yea...I felt like I was a little five year old.

It was sooooo important for me, that my therapist has experience working with male survivors, recognized it for what it was and has helped along the way. One of my favorite things, that he says, is, "Rest for a while. I'll take the watch." The first time he said that to me, it all came rolling in...the knowledge of just exactly how much, and for how long I have been medicating or disconnecting from the anxiety.

And, too...think about it, because it is amazing...if I was able to disconnect from that, so completely...what else, who else was I so able to disconnect from, also.

I had no idea it was as obvious as it was, as it seems like it is now. I'll be sitting there, he'll say, "Come on back, we are not done yet." I'll go, "What!?" But yea, I do.

:-)


CD


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#239230 - 07/20/08 09:54 PM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: CDavid]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
CDavid,

I kept everyone at arms length including my wife and children. Your right you can disconnect from the world and its not easy to drop all the old ways and begin letting your guard down. It is scary and maybe that is why the anxiety is kicking in and kicking my butt.

The one thing that I have truly learned is that money, success, etc. does not help in regards to mental sanity. The movie stars of our world should prove this fact but like a hard head I needed to experience it for myself. Out of all the crap I have and all the things I have accomplished not one of them sits down and talks to me in my most desperate moments. Not one of them brings me peace like the smile of my wife or my children. The touch of friends hand on my shoulder.....

Guys, pressing for more stuff or success will not help you deal with CSA. I strived for it as if it would be my salvation and it did work for a short time. It however can't talk to me, it can't love me. It can't do anything to help me so it is in a sense worthless. It does not mean we should not strive but it does mean we don't need to rely on it for our happiness. I know this is all well known and well documented but I am living and breathing it.

Thanks again,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#239232 - 07/20/08 09:58 PM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: John Oarc]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Funny, how recovery has opened doors I never imagined possible. But, yea, that is the first thing I ask any survivor that asks, "Why recoveery?"

Because, as you lay down at night, turn off the lights, close your eyes to go to sleep, we are all alone to one degree or another. I got to live with me.

Thanks, John, for this post.


David


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#239422 - 07/21/08 07:30 PM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: CDavid]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
I just found out that I have a virus. This is the reason I leaped off the I'm great wagon. I can't vomit because of a surgery I have had(Nissin Fundoplication)so I never know when I am coming down with something and I keep it for a week instead of just getting it out of my system. It makes me feel anxious and depressed at least that is what I think is going on but in fact I am feeling like crap from the virus. I am sorry I vented out and blamed the anxiety but its exactly what I felt like was going on. No energy, sleeping frequently, loss of motivation etc. It can easily be mistaken for mental issues. Sorry guys but I am not good at knowing what is going on with my body because of the old disconnect mode I went into after the abuse.

Thanks for listening,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#239454 - 07/21/08 11:23 PM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: John Oarc]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Hi John, (and CDavid),

I'm sorry that you're not feeling well, John. But, I'm still glad that you made this post. I can relate to both of you with the anxiety. When my stress/anxiety level is not at least a 4 on a scale of 1 - 10, I don't know how to react to life.

I think some of it has to do with my feelings of insecurity. I pretty much feel insecure about everything and like there is usually a trap door waiting for me. I'm sure that I can relate those feelings to many factors that have gone on in my life, but I think that one of the biggest factors is the CSA. I see myself as a vulnerable person, as probably we all do. And righfully so, because we were. Our perps have stolen pieces of our souls. I don't think that there is any such thing as a soul patrol. However, I think that all of us here are fighting the good fight, because, at least we are looking for them, the lost parts of our souls, that is. Most people don't do that and probably should. It would make for a better world.

I think that, as long as we keep looking together, we're going to find strength from each other, instead of vulnerability. Maybe we're not necessarily naked, just transparent. And transparent isn't so bad.

God bless,
John, The Music Man.


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#239465 - 07/22/08 12:45 AM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: John Oarc]
the_lone_rager Offline


Registered: 07/21/08
Posts: 2
Loc: California

I'm new here and am still getting a feel for what goes on here and how, so if this is old stuff that doesn't need to be tabled, please forgive me:

When I first got into dealing with my issues, I read something about learning to decode your feelings. I thought that sounded funny until I tried to do it. I could only get past the first step; "Is it a good feeling or a bad feeling". I had repressed so much for so long that I had no idea how I really felt beyond "bad" or "guilty" or "ashamed". As I have peeled back the many many layers of denial that had been built up over the years, I have finally gotten to the point that I can usually "decode" what my true feelings are and what is behind them. I'd suggest that you try to do this with your anxiety. Relax and go into a meditative state if you can, then just try to "make friends" with the feeling. If it is like some of my feelings, you will in time be able to pin it down to very specific concerns over very specific issues. Also, the more you understand these feelings, the less intimidating they become. I have felt extreme fear and rage and guilt and shame at times, but almost invariably, when I go into the feelings, the intensity will subside rather quickly.

I am of the opinion that your anxiety is a voice from within that is trying to tell you something. Learn to listen to it. Don't be afraid of it and don't resist. My belief is that your mind will only allow you access to things that you are capable of handling, and the fact that you have thrown so many crutches away suggests that you are up to this task.

Good luck to you!

the_lone_rager

_________________________
the_lone_rager

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#239472 - 07/22/08 01:00 AM Re: Fighting the good fight, naked? [Re: the_lone_rager]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
"The more you understand these feelings, the less intimidating they become. I have felt extreme fear and rage and guilt and shame at times, but almost invariably, when I go into the feelings, the intensity will subside rather quickly."

Wise tactic. Besides, what's the point in having feelings if you can't explore the whole smorgasbord? There's a lot of richness in life to be had from experiencing our whole range of feelings fully.



Edited by hogan_dawg (07/22/08 01:04 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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