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#238913 - 07/19/08 10:10 AM Journey to (unknown) Destination?
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
My therapist this week brough up a very interesting question for me to ponder and think about until we meet again next week.

He asked me what my DESTINATION is on my journey, dealing with my CSA.

A few things that brought this question up was my emotional state and the anxiety I was feeling on Thursday. There are times, thursday was one of them, when I feel I don't know who I am, where I am going, who am I becoming and why I fight with my inner self like I do. I am almost in a state of panic! NO DIRECTION IN MY LIFE. I want everything to be fixed now!

My therapist put it this way to me. "Ken, You are on a journey you don't understand, but you want in for the final destination"

I have been thinking about my answer to this question the last few days. My mind says I want to come to Peace with what my "little guy" endured; the rape, the torture, the guilt, the pain, and the shame I felt back then. Back when my perp. brother used me and my body as his sex object, his sex toy. Now that I am an adult dealing and confrontig the sexual abuse of my past, I want my destination to have a life without constant fears and realities of my almost daily nightmares. I want final and complete CONTROL of my life. I don't have that now and I WANT IT.

Am I wanting and yearning for something that I will never get? Is my destination unachievabale? Am I "barking up the wrong tree"? Why is it I can't LET GO of the past.

What do you want or desire to be your destination on your CSA journey?

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#238914 - 07/19/08 10:19 AM Re: Journey to (unknown) Destination? [Re: KENKEN]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
Post deleted by ModTeam




Edited by ModTeam (07/19/08 10:47 AM)

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#238915 - 07/19/08 10:24 AM Re: Journey to (unknown) Destination? [Re: KENKEN]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I'm definitely not a goal oriented person. My therapist has asked me this question repeatedly over the last year, and my goals have repeatedly changed. When I started, I wanted a family. I thought I needed a family in order to be happy. Today, however, I am happy without a family, and my goal has changed. Now, I want to be able to retire early to enjoy life...to create for myself a second childhood that I was never able to enjoy when I was a child. Perhaps I can find a family when I have financial independence, but it's really not my goal any more.

I guess my ultimate goal is to look forward to each day as I get up in the morning and to look back on each day in a positive light when I go to bed at night. I really do believe that the concept of having goals in this struggle to reclaim our lives from CSA can be counter-productive, for it really defeats the purpose of living our lives one day at a time...doesn't it?

My goal for today is to spend less than $100 at the grocery store when I get off work and to spend at least one hour with my kitty. I spent about twenty minutes with him before work, so that leaves about 40 minutes (usually I go over).

My goal for tomorrow? I'll come to that when I wake up tomorrow.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#238917 - 07/19/08 10:42 AM Re: Journey to (unknown) Destination? [Re: BJK]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I can't stop thinking about this word "control".

It's a pretty important thing to us survivors, isn't it? Taking control of one's own life is certainly a good goal to have, but at the same time, it's also a pretty dang lofty goal to have as well. Think about it for a moment...how many things happen over the course of a day that we have no control over whatsoever? We wake up, and it's raining. Suddenly it takes longer to get to work, and then we run into a traffic jam. Even though we alloted for extra time, we get to work late anyway. The boss happens to be having a bad day, and we really get it even though it's the first time we've been late in almost five years. Think about that scenario. What did we have control over? We can only control what time we leave, and even then it's sometimes not enough.

So I ask you...taking control of your own life...how long do you expect that to take? Personally, I know very few, if any, people who have complete control over their lives.

Let's take a look at the above situation again. We get up early, and it's raining. We can let this get to us, or we can just adjust how we react. So we leave early, and we hit the traffic jam. Is it a good time to lose our temper? Probably not. We can't control the traffic jam, but we can adjust how we react. So we get to work, and the boss is having a bad day. Can we control his mood and his temper? Probably not, but we can adjust how we react.

Do you see where I'm going with this? What is truly happening is that the abuse you had to endure as a kid is controlling how you react to life. Wouldn't it be great if you could rid yourself of that outside control? Wouldn't it be great if we could just live our lives without our perps having a constant influence over our emotions and reactions?

I think that might be a more reasonable goal, and the reason why is because as we work to acheive that goal, we can see small amounts of progress along the way.

Best of luck to you!

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#238929 - 07/19/08 11:43 AM Re: Journey to (unknown) Destination? [Re: BJK]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Ken I don't have a destination that's clearly defined.

Right now, I am at the stage where I don't think about my perpetrator or my abuse very much. Maybe that's something I try to achieve from time to time - just peace from thinking about it. Today I only thought of him when writing this note, and revising.

I also want to resolve an issue where friends of mine who trigger me (though I've managed to keep my triggering under wraps, I smile and keep the trigger under armed guard) by their drinking excessively, so I'm going to talk with my T about that issue.

My larger life goals are practical for me:

- I want to treat my wife with love and care and make sure she's ok when/if I'm gone.

- I want my car to be reliable so I can get where I need to go, so I make sure to take time to tinker with it when needed.

- I want to fill some spiritual holes before I go.

- I want my cats happy and comfy.

- I want to enjoy my friends and give them good times while I can do it.

- I want to accomplish a few good deeds.

I dunno. Dealing with a 5 or 10 year goal seems like a recipe for frustration.

Try a thought experiment: Imagine you have to plan for one year* only and you want that one year to be the best you've ever seen. What will you do to make it the best? Forget the CSA. Then, work backwards: If some piece of the CSA gets in the way of you having the best year* of your life, go after that small piece of the CSA that's hampering your efforts and try to fix that one piece. If you can do that much, chipping away at the CSA pieces that are annoying, you WILL have one excellent year* (as long as something really stupid doesn't happen), which is better than a kick in the ass.

* Doesn't have to be a year. Like Bryan notes, could be a day! Just substitute a time in there that works for you.



Edited by hogan_dawg (07/19/08 03:31 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#238999 - 07/19/08 07:30 PM Re: Journey to (unknown) Destination? [Re: hogan_dawg]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Ken,

A variation on that question, I think, would be, "Can you see yourself in five years, ten years, having worked through the issues you feel are important."

I think your post is a great topic.

"Why is it I can't LET GO of the past."

For me, and I can only speak for me...but, for me the answer to this is because the past is continually played out in the here and now.

When I was twelve, in a rage, my father held me up against the wall and raped me. He had never done that in my room before. He had been predictable. I had learned to live inside of that. But, on that particular day he changed his way of doing things. Now, nothing and no one was safe. I was not big enough to push him away or to protect myself. No one ever protected me before, but there was a sense that I could and would take care of myself.

That day, I couldn't.

What a lot of partners and or non survivors seem to miss...is that there is the constant threat, or perceived threat that one has to endure in these circumstances. The strategies that we come up with to deal with that are as amazing as they are varied...and, for a lot of us, we set the experiences aside, we have to, to go to school the next day, church, the following morning.

Setting it aside is not processing it, it is...setting it aside. There is just hardly any chance at all that we can process that in the same environment that allows it to go on.

Life happens, we get in a car accident, we lose a job we really like, a parent or supportive person in our lives...and there I am, up against the wall pushing, without the tools or the first idea of how to deal with it other than to push back.

We can't change the facts or go back and change what happened certainly, but we can change our relationship with the facts, I think. We have changed our relationship with it all ready by being here. By talking, by telling.

We've made it less than what it is for so long that now, standing right in front of it, looking at it...it may seem huge, but, it is, it was. As I look at other survivors I am in awe of their courage, their determination and, yea...their stamina.

"I want final and complete CONTROL of my life."

Stand at the ocean's edge for a bit...as the waves hammer you over and over and you struggle for CONTROL to just stand up...you go just a few feet further in, you can gently roll in the waves.


:-)


CD


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#239000 - 07/19/08 07:33 PM Re: Journey to (unknown) Destination? [Re: KENKEN]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: KENKEN
What do you want or desire to be your destination on your CSA journey?


A friend or two would be nice.
The ability to cry.
Not to hate myself.
A hug.

m


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#239092 - 07/19/08 11:48 PM Re: Journey to (unknown) Destination? [Re: KENKEN]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
ken, my goal is to have no goal, but i guess that's a goal after all!

my entire life i have striven striven striven to become, to control the outcome of who i imagined i was constructing. as the finished product grew closer to realization, i came to understand that i didn't really want to be all the things i strove to be.

what i really wanted in all of my striving was to recover the fractured me that was born the moment i was abused. i wanted all the pieces that i had divided up into, to become whole again, and that was what was driving the striving.

this understanding is specific to my experience, and most likely is one that would not be appropriated or appreciated by many people, particularly if they are not ready to let go of their idea of who have become as a result of the defining event of sexual abuse. once initiated into the moment[s] of trauma i was, i believed, eternally damned to be tethered to it. for today, i see linked transient moments of consciousness and experience as being changeable. even though they are in the past they can be rehabilitated so as not to continually define me and project me into the future.

as i work each day to change my patterns of identification with the trauma, the emotional linkage, i begin to find that the chains dissolve one by one. this is where the scary part is for me; because as i disengage from them i find that my old ego identifications no longer apply, and i have less of a sense of 'who i am' as defined by all the events of the past.

that's scary for me because i am used to habitually making 'me' over and over again every single moment of my waking life, continually reinvesting in the story that i tell myself about my life. i want to change the story of my life, not deny the facts of what occured in my life and how it initiated a whole era of my life that became focused on damage control, and i can do that moment by moment as i learn to see myself as a person who has had a history of sexual abuse in my past, but also as one who is both willing and daring to 'let it go', no longer allowing it to make what's left of my life to be lived in reaction to the freak nightmare of sexual abuse and assault that happened to little child so many moments ago.

so there is my goal, though it is not one that is rife with the tension of striving; because this era of my life is not about the acquiescence of techniques for controlling an imagined outcome, but rather about accepting what is, trying to restore the i am i was born to be.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#239095 - 07/20/08 12:13 AM Re: Journey to (unknown) Destination? [Re: Sans Logos]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
KENKEN,
Great topic.
My goals;
1) is to be a whole mature person.
2) to enjoy each day as it comes.
3) to share my life with those I love.
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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