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#239030 - 07/19/08 09:24 PM going insane
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
how do you know when you're going over the edge?
does a crazy person know they're crazy?
if i worry about going insane, is that proof i am, or am not?
or does it mean anything at all?

i just don't think i can cope.

i am truly losing my mind, i can feel it.


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#239032 - 07/19/08 09:31 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Not to make light of your situation, but the only true insanity is to believe you are sane. The fact you doubt your sanity means you're human like the rest of us, Mark \:\)


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#239033 - 07/19/08 09:32 PM Re: going insane [Re: Dewey2k]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
.. but that's not making light of anything ..


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#239034 - 07/19/08 09:35 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Wow, Mark, have I ever been where you are!! For me, I knew that I was going over the edge, I just didn't know when I was going to crash land.

I hope that you are in counseling. Please don't do what I did and admit that you are going insane, but do nothing about it. It eventually became deadly for me and ended up a crazy mess!

I'll pray for you, brother. Get into therapy and get well.

God bless,
John, The Music Man.


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#239035 - 07/19/08 09:36 PM Re: going insane [Re: MusicMan]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
i'm in therapy
you can see how much it's helping


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#239036 - 07/19/08 09:41 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Mark,

I struggled in therapy for quite a while because while I was challenging ideas and perceptionns the rest of my family were happily (or,not) going along their merry way doing what they had always done...it made me feel very crazy.

What happened was definately crazy. But, seriously, is it crazy? Or confusion :-) Or, the confusion that makes ya feel crazy...ohhhh, I hate that when that happens...

:-)


CD


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#239039 - 07/19/08 09:54 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
I've been in therapy for a while, and there are times when it felt like it wasn't helping, and was in fact making things worse. Those confusing times are when I made calls to my T between visits just to check in, and that helped. It was only a short while when things started to make sense again, and I kept on going.

You're doing the right thing in terms of reaching out for feedback, Mark. Keep talking, and we'll see if we can help you make sense out of it.


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#239041 - 07/19/08 09:57 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
MarkK,
I knew that when I was seeing a T there were times when all kinds of new feelings would be triggered during therapy. At first these feelings were overwhelming but as I work thro them the intenity lessen. In my exprience therapy sucks when going thro it but the rewards are worth all the pain afterwards.
Fron my experences with my mother's mental illness when she was going or had gone over the edge she had no idea how crazy she was behaving.
Hang in there, pain comes with growth.
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#239042 - 07/19/08 09:58 PM Re: going insane [Re: Dewey2k]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
how do you make sense of what makes no sense?
i can't even explain the feeling
it's like my mind is coming apart
this isn't like a headache - cuz my head doesn't hurt
this isn't like some "brain thing"
my mind
my soul
my BEING
is coming apart. or being torn apart.
i dunno
i dunno
i dunno


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#239045 - 07/19/08 10:04 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
As I struggled with the differences between how I saw myself or presented myself to the world and what I was discussing in therapy...the huge difference between the two...it was, yea, very confusing and made me feel crazy.

Is that what you mean?

CD


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#239046 - 07/19/08 10:11 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: michael banks
Hang in there, pain comes with growth.
no pain, no gain?

CDavid - no, i'm sorry. it's not what i mean. but don't worry about it. i'm sure it's all me. i'm just looney.

i chase away good friends.
the better the friend, the harder i push them away.
i'm sitting here staring at the computer screen as if it were the 9th wonder of the world.
i want to cry
i want to laugh
i want to curl up in a ball in a corner and just have the world go away and leave me alone

and the worst part? i worry, as if there's anything that i can do about it. if i'm going crazy - i'm going crazy. if i'm not, i'm not.

so maybe i should just sit back and enjoy the ride?

or step on the accelerator and see if we can find out faster??


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#239048 - 07/19/08 10:14 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Well, on the outside chance that you are not looney, but the situation might be...you want to talk?


CD


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#239050 - 07/19/08 10:16 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
outside chance?
i'd say the votes are in
the tally is being taken
and that chance is like nill


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#239051 - 07/19/08 10:19 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
I know your vote certainly carries a lot of weight given the circumstances...but did we vote?


CD


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#239053 - 07/19/08 10:22 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
i have no idea whether you voted
votes are secret, after all

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#239056 - 07/19/08 10:24 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Ah, well, there's the flaw in the system then. Being crazy in a group is called a party, feeling crazy in isolation sucks...


:-)


CD


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#239079 - 07/19/08 11:11 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
how did it go from "BEING" crazy in a group to "FEELING" crazy in isolation.

one can only BE crazy in a group?

yeah - i'd say there's a flaw in the system.


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#239080 - 07/19/08 11:14 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Hmmm? Now I am confused...


:-)


CD


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#239081 - 07/19/08 11:14 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
not to worry
vodka cures everything


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#239082 - 07/19/08 11:17 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Ohhh, I have so wanted to try those new flavored ones....but it would screw up my sobriety date and I am not good with numbers...


CD


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#239083 - 07/19/08 11:20 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
hmmm
somehow i think only one of us is serious

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#239085 - 07/19/08 11:23 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
uhm, about the vodka or feeling crazy...cuz, I have definately been there...

CD


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#239087 - 07/19/08 11:30 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Originally Posted By: MarkK
Originally Posted By: michael banks
Hang in there, pain comes with growth.
[no pain, no gain?]

CDavid - no, i'm sorry. it's not what i mean. but don't worry about it. i'm sure it's all me. i'm just looney.

i chase away good friends.
the better the friend, the harder i push them away.
i'm sitting here staring at the computer screen as if it were the 9th wonder of the world.
i want to cry
i want to laugh
i want to curl up in a ball in a corner and just have the world go away and leave me alone

and the worst part? i worry, as if there's anything that i can do about it. if i'm going crazy - i'm going crazy. if i'm not, i'm not.

so maybe i should just sit back and enjoy the ride?

or step on the accelerator and see if we can find out faster??



_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#239089 - 07/19/08 11:33 PM Re: going insane [Re: michael banks]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
no pain, no gain.
In recovery there is alot of truth in this statement.

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

Top
#239133 - 07/20/08 08:31 AM Re: going insane [Re: michael banks]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
so maybe not crazy
maybe just alcoholic
...
or the onset of ... if i let it


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#239135 - 07/20/08 08:42 AM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
One of the best things my therapist was ever able to hammer into me was...that what I was feeling made sense in the context of my experiences.

"No," he said, "you are not crazy. The situation was." As I try to sort out and figure out how anyone could do that...to a child, it makes me crazy...and, he says, "Of course it does. It is never going to make any sense to you, because you are not your father."

:-)


CD


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#239137 - 07/20/08 08:57 AM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
It is sort of like the "Alice in Wonderland" story...how often do we hear that referenced? "how far down the rabit hole do you want to go?"

Alice was thrown into so many different situations that were crazy...and responded to them, of course, as though she were the one that was crazy.

CD


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#239162 - 07/20/08 01:13 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Mark;

I said a special prayer for you this morning in Church. Seems for me I oft times try to handle all my problems by myself. The road seems to get cluttered with branchs, twigs, ruts, detours and loss of sight. I can't see the forest thru the trees. I can't see any hope. I can't even think about a future. I feel lost.

Then for me I realize that I can not do it alone. I need the help of my friends, my family, my group members, my T and my God.
I am a coward and a weakling. I am nothing by myself. I know that for a fact. I am nothing alone.

That is why I ask for help from those I know want me to survive. They want me to make it to the other side.

I know you well enough Mark to know you are a Christian. God is always there for us. Believe me when I say, without my belief, I would not be here today.

Trust in your inner soul. He has given you many friends, I hope you will continue to reach out to them/us. We are here for you.

You are not going Insane. You are real in your feelings, you are a good man and a good father and husband. You have a purpose in life. I do hope and pray that on your road to recovery you will begin to see the "forest thru the trees". It is there for all of us.

We all hear you and are here for you.

Ken

PM anytime, I am always available for MY FRIEND!!!!



Edited by KENKEN (07/20/08 01:16 PM)
_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#239182 - 07/20/08 03:10 PM . [Re: KENKEN]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 05:10 PM)

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#239185 - 07/20/08 03:33 PM Re: going insane [Re: bardo213]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
AA? Not necessary. I haven't had anything to drink in over 5 years. And I wasn't a heavy drinker then - maybe 3 beers in a 12 month period. My statement about vodka being a "fix" is the temptation to numb out that way. Not because I am or have.

"Lightening up a little" is not happening. That's not who I am. My intensity is one of the few things about me that I think is a GOOD thing.

M

PS - Ken - my faith is about the only thing that keeps me going right now. That, supportive posts and PMs from friends - so thank you for both. And thanx for reminding me of my faith.

Doesn't cure anything - but helps.

M


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#239214 - 07/20/08 08:09 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
Power_water Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/14/07
Posts: 45
Loc: Portland, OR, USA
I have had the experience of falling apart and having the peices of me fight myself. I was recently diagnosed with mid-range dissasociative Identity dissorder. I don't like being many peices of me. and the Flashbacks are Still HELL!!, but I keep pressing forward and praying for help. And talking to my T What else can I do???

_________________________
Bring works of darkness to light

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#239233 - 07/20/08 10:24 PM Re: going insane [Re: Power_water]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
i don't think we have much choice. we either fight it - or succumb and ... well ... that's not a pretty picture.

listen to your T. keep yourself resourced. and breathe.

}shrug{

them's the only things I know of that even partly sometimes once-in-a-while work

M


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#239234 - 07/20/08 10:35 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Mark,

This is a really great thread, I mean, okay...it is not so great feeling the feelings that we are talking about, but, your last post is great...because it seems like recovery is a lot about choices.

I don't think it ever occured to me, when my daughter was three or four years old, when she would fall or get hurt, that it was anything other than normal and natural for her to cry or scream and come looking to me for support.

You've mentioned you have a son...I wondered if your experience was the same? They are hurt, want validation, need to cry...then, they go back out to play.

If the only choices available are to fight, or to succumb...which does those scenarios fall under?


:-)


CD


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#239235 - 07/20/08 10:41 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
depends on your point of view. To me - seeking help is fighting. Giving up is succumbing.

but, that's just me.

M

ps - and yes, the world really IS just black and white.


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#239236 - 07/20/08 10:46 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
So...the paradox, or, irony is...that going for help includes allowing the feelings in...inviting them in, as it were. In an environment, hopefully, that is safe. So...fighting is succumbing.

crazy system...


CD


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#239237 - 07/20/08 10:48 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
no - going for help does not mean allowing the feelings in.
your T might tell you eventually that will happen
but i don't believe the one involves the other

but "crazy system"?

you're catching on


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#239238 - 07/20/08 10:56 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
So...we can make the conscious choice to not feel?


CD


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#239239 - 07/20/08 10:59 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Absolutely.

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#239242 - 07/20/08 11:04 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Then, I understand why it must feel crazy...okay, thank you. Kind of like trying not to laugh when someone tickles you, or, trying not to bleed when some one cuts you.

That would be hard.

CD


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#239245 - 07/20/08 11:12 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
you're getting close. and i appreciate and honor the effort made to try to see the world thru my distorted lenses.

just don't look too long. i don't care to feel guilty for bringing on someone else's dementia

m


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#239248 - 07/20/08 11:19 PM Re: going insane [Re: MarkK]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Well, I certainly appreciate the concern :-) But I been demented for a long time.

But, before we travel on into the fifth page...if I am getting close...how bout helping me out and filling in the blanks.

The value in bleeding when we are cut is in the fact that it is our bodies cleaning out the wound.

CD


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#239250 - 07/20/08 11:24 PM Re: going insane [Re: CDavid]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: CDavid
But, before we travel on into the fifth page

too late - we've already arrived.

gnite


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