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#249 - 07/28/03 10:04 PM Re: show love
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
Hello MM,

Welcome to MS and thank you for having the courage to come.

I want to reiterate what many of the guys have said. This is a great place with some of the most compassionate, honest, caring men you will ever find or hope to find.

I want to say too that you have shown your love of your girlfriend. You show it in how strong your desire to make love to her is. And more importantly you showed it by coming here and opening yourself up, by seeking help. That is a very brave and loving thing. It truly is.

The other things will come in time. Part of loving your girlfriend is giving yourself the care and love you need. It may sound ironic but its true.

As for telling your story, that will come in time. No one here will push you to take steps you are not ready for. We will listen and offer support and will gratefully accept any support you have to offer.

Keep an open mind though. Talk to people here about their experiences and give yourself time to learn and acclimate yourself. Give yourself the gift of being openminded enough to say "Well I don't want to see a therapist or talk about my past now, but maybe I will consider it again down the road." That is a gift you can give yourself. The chance to improve.

Thanks again MM for coming here, I appreciate your courage.

Aaron

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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#250 - 07/28/03 10:55 PM Re: show love
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
MM,

Think of this as a crash course in my abuse.

Quote:
sheís the only one I wasnít afraid to be with. I donít know why, it just was that way since the beginning.
I posted here on the board, and have told people over and over the last 14 years, that I recognized my wife as the woman I would marry from just a single glance as she walked through my office. Believe me, I know that there is love at first sight, though I don't know how to explain it.

Quote:
I trust her, but I canít break my silence about the most disgusting events in my life.
I told her everything I could think of telling her in our first few months together. Oh, except for the little detail about repeatedly being raped when I was 16.

Of course, as I continued to hide this small matter, and I continued to solidify dysfunctional behaviors, and sexual dysfunctions, too, our marriage suffered. We nearly lost it before I finally disclosed to her last summer, the first time I had ever so much as hinted to anyone. Hiding that from her was the worst mistake of my life.

Quote:
Iíd like to have a happy family too, but I'll never feel safe enough to have children, Iím not able to express emotion to them, while she hugs and kiss all kids, Iím scared to death to be seen hugging them, I donít want them to fear that I may be a molester.
I have three children and I have never molested them. I feared that I would. I have imagined that I am being watched when I tuck a child into bed. "Someone is trying to catch me hurting them."

That's part of the insanity that I developed. My love for them is too great. I have my personal knowledge of the anguish of abuse to remind me that there are things I do not want them ever to experience.

Dave is right. You are not an abuser. Whatever is in those who become perps that takes them down that evil path is not in you. Try to imagine yourself seeing one of the children at the lake being raped. Feel that anger? That outrage? That reaction is your true nature.

Quote:
In the last week Iíve been suffering from headaches that lasted for days or longer,
For several years I had headaches that lasted for days at a time. No aspirin, codeine, alcohol, demerol, etc could bring relief. I had some kind of unspecified seizure disorder, unspecified because there was never any abnormality in any test results.

Quote:
Thatís the only thing I really wanted Ö to forget everything and live in peace.
I posted here about how I had a physical reaction to my attempts to remember more. If I couldn't complete remembering, then I wanted to complete forgetting. As the song says, "But things ain't quite that simple."

Quote:
but everytime we start to make love, I have those images coming back
I wrote this next bit back in early May:
Quote:
On a more personal level, having started to recover from the effects of those nights so long ago, I have found that I sometimes have flashbacks. These seem to occur more frequently during times of physical intimacy with my wife. Spending those precious moments with me in a frozen state of horror and shame, begging an abuser to leave me alone is not the way my wife and I imagined our life together.
On a couples' weekend workshop, when we were feeling good about our relationship and working together to make it better, I had the flashback from hell, or to hell. When I came out of it, I heard her calling, "Joe!" in a distorted echo-like voice. I felt as if I were waking up from one of those unspecified seizures.

MM, there are guys here who have felt the kind of pain you feel. This isn't a politician who "feels your pain." This is real life. This is a place where people who have endured terrible injuries can share with one another as we try to make it back to a good life.

Take what you can from our words. Especially, please remember what BT said above:

Quote:
You are no longer alone.
Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#251 - 07/28/03 11:06 PM Re: show love
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
MM:
See what has been written to you a total stranger by other strangers. We all have one thing in common and that is the evil of sexual abuse. Dont let it get you down my brother. Confront it head on. Deal with it and let us help you. Pay particular attention to all that has been said to you. It comes from the heart of each and everyone of us. Remember alone we flounder but together we can move mountains. And listen particularly to Lloyd (Dave) about a therapist. Get help. It does not reveal a weakness but a strength in you to heal and move forward with the truly most remarkable thing in your life besides yourself and that is your girlfriend.

Stay close to us MM

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#252 - 07/29/03 06:59 AM Re: show love
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Hi MM,

I don't have much to add to all the good words said here for you. Welcome to MaleSurvivor. You've made one hell of a courageous start toward healing from your sexual abuse and your family of origin trauma.

I too was abused by my father. What I can tell you is that there is hope to feel better about yourself and your life. You will be able to lead the kind of life you want.

Your healing will take time, a lot of time. That's a reality to this process called recovery. It's a wild roller-coaster ride. It's been a painful process for me that isn't over yet, but it has gotten much easier to deal with the pain and confusion, with the help of professional therapy and medication for my depression.

Again, welcome to this sometimes crazy place. Take the advice you can use right now and let what don't understand go by the wayside. It does get better; all it takes is some courage which you have in large amounts.

jer


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#253 - 07/29/03 07:10 AM Re: show love
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
MM,

Like you, I was scared to death of children, of having and being around them. My baby is now 10 months old. My step-son is ten, and I have totally surprised my self. They have shown me how to love, and how to show it. When my baby comes crawling up, pulls himself up to me, and wraps his arms around me, I just melt. Many have said I look like a wrestler or something. Iím over six foot, shaved head, goatee, and constantly look like I could drive my head through a wall. I was a bike racer and a tri-athlete when younger, and I have carried that build over, despite putting on weight. For all that gruff exterior, my little one just brings out the best in me. donít give up hope for the future, for marriage and kids. I donít think someone who has lived through abuse can ever be Ďnormalí as we would like to see ourselves, but we can be happy. Happiness follows acceptance, it flows from the people in our lives. You have a very promising woman in your life. give her a chance and credit, I think you will really be surprised how she responds. At sixteen I had a bi-sexual encounter, because I couldnít pass up the chance to have sex. I was using women like crazy, and into everything imaginable from animals to self-abuse and pain. If someone can understand and love me despite all I have done, there is always hope for everyone. My marriage survived me cheating, and it survived the truth of my past. It survived sexual addiction, compulsion whatever term you like. it survived it all. I have come to rely on the fact that no matter what happens, I can survive, and you can too. Heck, look at what youíve survived already, and yet you are still here fighting and kicking, crying and laughing.

jeff

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#254 - 07/29/03 09:45 AM Re: show love
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Welcome aboard, MM. A couple of points...

You are in the right place to begin the journey.

Your wife has posted here is very understanding, perhaps more than you give her credit for. Do nothing and you lose her. Work on the issues and you gain a life.

Find a good therapist who knows male victimization issues, or at least is familiar with sexual abuse. Don't know where you are, but one of our board members, Rick Goodwin, runs an agency in Toronto that specializes in male victimization issues. If you are not near Toronto, he may be able to refer you to someone competent near you. If it is alright with you, I will alert him to this post (he's not a discussion forum junkie like I am) and he can pm (private mail) you.

Read the articles that interest you on this website. Don't get overwhelmed. You will find things get better. Your brothers here are living proof of that.

Ken


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#255 - 07/29/03 11:46 AM Re: show love
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
MM
Welcome, you are in a good, safe place here. I join my brothers in telling you that you are not alone.
The hardest thing for me was telling the truth, answering my wifes "I know there is more" statement with denials, lies and coverups. It has taken its toll on our marriage, on her and my wonderful children. She asked me to leave 3 years ago, we have been on this roller coaster ride ever since, yes, there were other issues but had I been open, honest and straight forward in the beginning, perhaps it would not have taken so long for me to get to the point that I look myself in the mirror and say "Your better".
When it is right FOR YOU, you will beable to tell you gf what it is all about, don't make the mistake I did by loosing patience with my wife. I for the life of me could not figure out why she couldn't accept it, say its OK, I forgive you, come home. How could she when she had so many unanswered questions. I have a better understanding of that now, it was easy to make excuses, because the truth hurt and I was certain "she would not understand, kick me out and that would be that. Well, she did kick me out, at a time when I wasn't sure that 2+2 was still 4. I feel in my heart that in her own way over the past 3 years, she has supported my efforts on getting better, about being stonger about me. This I needed to do before I could be concerned on trying to see if I could get my marriage back on track.
YOU have to go at your own pace, YOU have to understand that YOU did not ask for any of it. YOU ARE THE VICTUM. YOUR innocence, trust,fear of intimacy was robbed from you. Be gentle on yourself take care of YOU.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#256 - 07/30/03 12:07 AM Re: show love
martin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth
I am truly in awe of all the compassion shown on this forum. Its amazing, to have found such a place with men such as you guys.

One offers his pain and the others offer their strength.

Speechless.....

_________________________
Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

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