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#240055 - 07/24/08 09:00 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: LittleMiss]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Quote:
BUT we would not walk into the child's classroom and share with his 'friends' the details of what has happened to him either, would we? Sometimes sharing does just as much damage. - that is what I am trying to prevent.

Little Miss, you said that much better than I ever could. Thank you.

The secret of child abuse is horrid beyond words, but until the victim of such an atrocity is ready to speak out, then we can only speak out in generalities. We can speak passionately, sadly, each and every day about what shows up in the news but to say that my b/f, my husband, my brother, my father was abused to those who know him would invite too many questions that the survivor may not be ready to deal with; it would on only drive him into a deeper hole.

Bryan, you're right of course, it's a process. For you, a relatively short one and I'm glad for you. For my b/f it's one hell of alot longer. Long story short, we know a child in trouble, not csa, but big trouble nontheless and he's told me that it would be OK for me to relay to her some of his story in the hopes that she might know she's not alone. It's a start.

ROCK ON..............Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#240071 - 07/24/08 10:43 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: Trish4850]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
It's an outstanding start, Trish. For me, it was a start in a very similar way. My nephew doesn't understand why he isn't allowed to see his grandmother (my mother) anymore, so I told my sister that it was okay to share with him age appropriate parts of my experience as he grows older so that he understands. He's nine now, and I have the feeling that he's getting close to the age where some very difficult questions are going to start to arise. To be frank, I'm looking forward to the challenge.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#240147 - 07/25/08 11:45 AM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: Trish4850]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: Trish4850
Quote:
BUT we would not walk into the child's classroom and share with his 'friends' the details of what has happened to him either, would we? Sometimes sharing does just as much damage. - that is what I am trying to prevent.

Little Miss, you said that much better than I ever could. Thank you.

The secret of child abuse is horrid beyond words, but until the victim of such an atrocity is ready to speak out, then we can only speak out in generalities. We can speak passionately, sadly, each and every day about what shows up in the news but to say that my b/f, my husband, my brother, my father was abused to those who know him would invite too many questions that the survivor may not be ready to deal with; it would on only drive him into a deeper hole.

Bryan, you're right of course, it's a process. For you, a relatively short one and I'm glad for you. For my b/f it's one hell of alot longer. Long story short, we know a child in trouble, not csa, but big trouble nontheless and he's told me that it would be OK for me to relay to her some of his story in the hopes that she might know she's not alone. It's a start.



how absolutely absurd!!

how did you all make this fantastic leap from answering personal questions on an individual basis to those close to us all the way to initiating a discussion about someone to total strangers??!!

you are definitely looking for hurricanes and typhoons when the weather is saying we might have a chance of a sprinkle or two -

carrying negativity everywhere you go certainly must take a lot of strength - tell me please what's your secret? I'd really like to know...

all the best,
Indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#240148 - 07/25/08 11:53 AM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: LittleMiss]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: LittleMiss


I understand what you are saying about changing viewpoints, changing the world, how this is not a stigma.

BUT - my husband works in a VERY male dominated working world. It is not the environment of "enlightened, understanding, open" people. Individually, yes, of course some of them are - but as a group, H**L NO.


Little Miss,

I got a newsflash for ya' - we ALL live in a very male dominated world!! ;\)

furthermore - it's not even close to being - and perhaps never will be? - an environment of enlightened understanding and open people -

however, all that being said, society does grow and change, albeit slowly.

you will not become single overnight - any more than you became married overnight - it will be a gradual transition. Eventually, you will have to make decisions based on what's good for you.

The reality of csa and its aftermath is how it effects more than just the victim present at the time - a crucial reality that it effects all of us, some more than others. Those of us who are closer to the victim who becomes a survivor are effected a great deal.

Sometimes we have to take the intiative for our own healing and deal with it in our own way - I think this is what's being overlooked here. No one is talking about doing additional harm; rather one is discussing how to further the healing of those who've also been hurt. Sometimes one has to lance a wound in order to let out the poison.

It's just the way it is. It's not always painless, unfortunately.

Indy






_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#240149 - 07/25/08 12:06 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: BJK]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: BJK
Indy,

In order to keep my sanity, I needed some kind of control over how quickly the news spread.
Bryan


you see, this is the problem. you simply cannot control how what happened to you effects your partner - and her choices as to what she will do about it and how she will go about dealing with the aftermath.

I think there is a huge underestimation as to just how significant the trauma is to a partner when they learn about their partner's trauma as a child. It's huge and their life also changes afterward, much as the survivor's did (*edit* the partner's life will change permanently I don't mean they will face the same sort of obstacles the survivor did).

At that point, the partner is now responsible for their own future and hopefully, will keep in mind the survivor's recovery as well but, and this is the BUT, each individual must carry forward what's best for them.

Again, keeping the secret does no one any good. Doing it "for him" is not a good enough reason IF - and this is important - IF it is causing the partner unnecessary pain.

I'm not talking about shouting from the rooftops here, so please don't go off and make like I am. I've stated this previously; a one on one discussion with those who care, even when sometimes they are not the best and the brightest, well, it's got to start somewhere.

alcoholism, drug addiction, as I mentioned before, such events possibly some of you are too young to even know about - cancer, divorce, domestic violence, pms, menustration in general, impotence - all have been taboo topics in the past - met with a great deal of resistance and were eventually accepted more or less as time went by.

The Rolling Stones - remember them? their song "Satisfaction" (I can't get no satisfaction) was banned in the 60's by a number of radio stations for being too sexually explicit - oh jees - look where we are now with the lyrics in rap songs and other similar genres -

We are at a crossroads in time now when things are changing rapidly regarding csa in all children, especially boys. This is a GOOD thing, it is, it really really is.

all the best,
Indy



_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#240154 - 07/25/08 12:40 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: indygal]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Indy,

Survivors will speak; they do speak when they are able. Those who are unable to any any given moment aren't keeping the secret of what happened to them because they want bad things to continue happening to children. They are silent because of trauma. When a survivor is first able to articulate that trauma to someone who is close, usually a partner, it is their first tentative step into the world of trusting another human being. That trust should be honored and hopefully the partner and the survivor can work together to first heal themselves and then maybe try to heal the world, but it doesn't happen in one fell swoop.

ROCK ON........Trish


_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#240158 - 07/25/08 01:12 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: Trish4850]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
well said, Trish


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#240160 - 07/25/08 01:23 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: NY Daisy]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
A person has to work on himself/herself before he can concentrate on saving the world. What good is trying to remove a taboo from society if one ends up committing suicide in the process?

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#240217 - 07/25/08 07:20 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: BJK]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
My husband told me last night that he felt I was "pushing him to deal". I ALWAYS pushed him. This is because I sent him the link to this website. That's all. That's it. That ONE thing is how I have ALWAYS pushed him.

He can't even talk about this with ME. But since we were "talking" about it, I did tell him how I had read one of the survivors say that talking to other survivors helped him, because he did not see them as ugly/dirty/bad/full of blame for what happened to them, therefore, he could start to see that he wasn't ugly/dirty/bad/full of blame also.

My husband said, "That's what my brother told me."

WHAT?!?!?!? (I had NO IDEA he had ever had a conversation with his brother.)

I asked him when he talked to his brother about this and he said it was right after (the perp) died. His brother had 'vague memories' of it too. I asked him if maybe he could talk to his brother now. NO. Maybe just talk about us getting a divorce. NO.

So see - if he can't even talk to his own brother, someone who knows what happened, someone who had it happen to them too - He is not ready to talk to others.

I can't scroll back far enough to see who said it, but someone said something about if we tell others that may subject our partners to questions they are not ready to answer. I agree with that. I do love my family, and I know they mean well, but we are different people - and I just don't trust them enough to tell them. I don't believe that they would EVER say anything mean or bad, of course. But they may not treat it with the respect (not quite the right word) it deserves. And even the most well intentioned comment/question/concern may push my husband right over the edge. He's barely hanging on now.

Did I mention earlier (on this post or somewhere else?) that he had a sort of breakdown Monday night (like almost crying-which is HUGE), because he thought people he worked with MIGHT know we are getting a divorce. He hadn't told anyone except his boss - but he FELT like people were treating him differently. He FELT like they thought he was "bad/dirty" (his words). He FELT like his image was ruined. No one said or did anything to him - he just FELT this.

If he can't handle people knowing he is getting a divorce (something he CHOSE to do), how in the world is he ready for people to know about his CSA??

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#240219 - 07/25/08 07:24 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: BJK]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: BJK
A person has to work on himself/herself before he can concentrate on saving the world. What good is trying to remove a taboo from society if one ends up committing suicide in the process?


I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THAT. One of my husbands favorite sayings in "don't poke the bear". In this case - don't test an already unstable environment.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Top
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