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#239423 - 07/21/08 07:34 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: LittleMiss]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Little miss....I would copy paste everything you have written in this post and send it to your hubby. If he only knew what a good person you are....sheesh! xoxo good luck. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#239431 - 07/21/08 08:01 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: dangal]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Thank you dangal. I think he knows. I think he does.





Edited by LittleMiss (07/21/08 08:03 PM)
_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#239433 - 07/21/08 08:05 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: LittleMiss]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: LittleMiss
Originally Posted By: BJK
I empathize with her. I also have the utmost respect for her decision to stick by her partner if and when he has dealt enough with his issues to welcome her back into his life. This decision might change over time, and I respect that as well. I also understand that most people just don't get this and probably never will.


Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me. Especailly coming from a survivor. Just that SOMEONE gets it. (And some many others on this site get it too.) THANK YOU a hundred times over.


You're welcome. I sometimes think that the partners of survivors who have the strength to stick with the survivor through thick and thin are just as strong, if not stronger, than the survivors themselves. It takes a lot of work to make a relationship like this work. I wish you the best.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#239459 - 07/21/08 11:43 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: BJK]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
LittleMiss, Getting yourself a T of your own is a great idea. You can bounce all your thoughts off of him/her. I see one on my own.It's great. They probably can help you better handle all of the people asking questions.

My H had disclosed many years ago,and when he did it was such a relief for me. He was treating me very poorly, and my family was pushing me to leave. I was pregnant at the time so I was waiting. Then he told me and it all made more sense. His family disowned him,but my family were very supportive. My mom tends to stick up for him alot.

you now share his secret with him, and without anyone else knowing that must be so hard. This is not a time for you to worry about anyone else,you have enough on your plate. How about saying something like they said on friends, "We're on a break." (LOL) You should come up with a standard answer that will work on everyone, that way you don't have to try to remember what you said to who.

Anyone who says you should not love your husband anymore, to me is just being insensitive. You loved this man for many years,and you did not want this, feelings cannot be turned off that quickly, not even for him. Will your H consider going to therapy with you? What would happen if you just didn't move out? Do you have to? I just hate to see you leave your relationship when it doesn't sound hopeless. You still sound like a couple.Have you told him he is not going to get rid of you that easy? From my experience with my spouse, they push you away, but the last thing they want is for you to leave. What they say, and what they really want are alot of times 2 different things. I'm sorry I am going on and on, I am on your side. NYDAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (07/21/08 11:45 PM)

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#239460 - 07/22/08 12:02 AM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: NY Daisy]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
NYDaisy, I would love for him to see a therapist - but he refuses. I don't know how to answer him when he insists they can't help him and can't tell him how to feel.

As for moving out - I have been stalling like nobody's business! But it isn't working and if I do move out, I almost feel like it will make him change his mind. Everyday he pushes pushes pushes. If I actually leave, I think he'll change his mind. It sounds like I'm playing a game, but that's not how I mean it. Just that if I give him what he 'says' he wants - then he'll realize what he 'really' wants.

And me leaving isn't me saying "ok, I'm gone". I've told him again and again -wherever I am is your home - you can always call me, come see me - and on and on. Even though, those OTHER PEOPLE say, if I move out, I can't see him anymore. As my mother put it so eloquently - "he can't have his cake and eat it too".

And in my heart - I just can't believe that this is over forever. Even if we get divorced - I think he'll come back to me. I asked him if we get divorced if he would ever live with someone else - he said maybe - so I said why not me? He said - who's to say that it won't be you?

If that time comes - try explaining THAT to 'other people'!

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#239467 - 07/22/08 12:51 AM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: LittleMiss]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
LittleMiss, I only say these things because my H says stuff like that all the time when he is going through a hard time. It gets so confusing. I just can't help feeling that he doesn't really want to lose you. It does not sound like a game, you are trying to make him see,you love him. It is hard for him to see, he doesn't love himself right now,so to him,how could you? for me I told my spouse that if he left he had better be sure, we have kids, so if he was going to leave it was going to be final. I can't be playing with their emotions. He knows I am very stubborn, and never go back on my word,so he knew I meant business. So my H is still here.

Your mom only wants what is best for you. She doesn't know what the real issue is so she only reacting to the fact that her LittleMiss is getting hurt.

Finally if you do leave,and you find your way back to each other, that is between your H and you. you don't have to explain anything to anyone. People who care about you will want to see you happy. I would tell people that we are having some difficulties communicating with each other right now,and we were starting to take each other for granted, but we are both committed to working it out,but felt it best to seperate for a while so we could each get a better understanding of how important we are to each other,and appreciate what we have. This takes any blame off of one person and leaves it open for a reconcilation. I'm with you,NYDAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (07/22/08 12:52 AM)

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#239479 - 07/22/08 02:10 AM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: BJK]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Littlemiss,

I heard the other day, "Advise is worth what you paid for it". (often worthless).

There are your feelings. To thine own self, be true. My advise is take what works and leave the rest. Taking everyone's advice only leads to confusion. (i.e. one advises zigging, and the next advises zagging).

Personally, I wasted fifteen years married to the wrong woman, and have been divorced for a little over a year and a half.

Through a mutual friend, I just met and am starting to have a relationship with a nympho type kinky girl (just like me). So excited...!!!

I am sorry for you, sometimes the best you can do, is to concentrate on emotional sobriety, while riding the crazy train.

Through my bumpy travels through the long, hard, winding road of recovery. I have found everything happens for a reason and everything is going to be O.K.


If you can't change the wind, you must adjust your sail. (Saying from A.A. daily reflections book).

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#239695 - 07/23/08 07:45 AM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: 1islandboy]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
NYDaisy - I really like you. You seem like such a great person. Thank you for the support. I feel like I have come to these boards and just been like "help me, help me, help me". I hope I haven't been tooooo needy (which is craziness - because in real life I totally take care of everything!)

You have offered so much support and I so appreciate it.

You know - with him pushing me away - I feel almost like if I do go out and 'take care of myself' and all that, that he will come back to me because then the pressure is off of him - ya'know??? Like he can be in my life as long as he isn't "responsible" for my life.

island -
Originally Posted By: 1islandboy

If you can't change the wind, you must adjust your sail. (Saying from A.A. daily reflections book).
island


I've never heard that before - I LOVE it.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#239724 - 07/23/08 10:10 AM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: LittleMiss]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: LittleMiss

Indy - I have tried the "He has unresolved issues from his past" or "he had a bad childhood" line on some of my closer friends/family, but that just seems to stir up way too much 'curiousity' (or should I say nosiness!). They start with the questions - well did this happen? Or this? Or that? Then I say "I can't talk about it", which like you said - they seem to take as rude/building a wall.

Yes - I guess I believe that family members and friends should get a better explanation than just a co-worker, and one should 'trust' family and friends enough to be able to offer that explanation. I really can't. My husband trusted me with the information regarding his csa. He is obviously a very private person, so, as far as I know, I am the only person who knows. I can't offer that as an explanation for his behavior, though if I could, others could see his behavior makes perfect sense. I can't use it to educate others, though I wish I could. (My mother actually said - "Did something happen to him as a child?? If so, he needs to just get over it." oh mother, if life were only that easy.)

So - I have to say SOMETHING. Then it doesn't make sense, then I have to explain, then that doesn't make sense, and I take up for my husband, which doesn't make sense. I just swirl into a big whirlwind and wish I NEVER said anything at all, but wish so much for someone to understand.

So that leaves me with saying that we are getting a divorce. I'm sad because I don't want the divorce. So people 'know' that it is his idea. I take up for him, then they think I'm pathetic - but I CANNOT let others think badly of him because he is such a good person, who is struggling SO hard right now to find himself.

I have always walked a fine line myself with my 'feelings' and who I trusted. I sometimes feel that if you know me for 10 minutes or 10 years - that you know the same person. I am a VERY open person about SOME things, and the things I am not open about - I am COMPLETELY closed off about. So, people in my life ASSUME that I am totally open (I'm not) and therefore assume that I will talk and talk and talk about this (I'm not). I have just started to be very vauge about answering people's questions. My family is the WORST - equating their experiences to my 'now experience.' Their divorce was like 'this', so now mine will be too.

No one can understand why my husband and I are still talking, why we want to remain friends, why we are still living in the same house while waiting for my new place to be ready. Several people have even come right and asked what our sleeping arrangements are!?! (Yes - we are still sleeping together - but I don't tell anyone that!)

I know it is completely surreal - but our relationship has ALWAYS been that way. We have always danced to the beat of our own drummer, though to the world we presented a shiny veneer.

I am having dinner with a former co-worker tomorrow who also knew my husband. She and her husband got divorced and remained friends. I was going to get some advice from her, which is ok with my husband. I told her a brief summary of what is going on (but obviously not about his csa). She said "Honestly, I'm worried about ****. Does he have somone to talk too? Will you let him know that I don't think badly of him and support you guys in whatever you decide." THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. Finally, someone can see both sides and understands how much I care. It was like I could breathe again when she said that - like someone else acknowledged that I am not a crazy person for still loving him.

...........

I'm really thinkging about going to therapy - at least for myself. There I can be open about what I say, and not immediately regret I said it - right?



LittleMiss,

I'll respond to the end of your post first - a lot of T's don't get it either!! which is sad, but true.

now, about the prior discussion - you've brought up some valid points and the difficulties one faces - a couple of years ago I brought up similar problems. the difference is, I'm single, we (my former bf and I) never even lived together so there was no formal committment or anything. You are married so it's different, please keep that in mind.

As a single person, I am beholden first and foremost to my own self and needs and have of course, my own friends and separate relationships I've built over time. While I was both conscious and respectful of my bf's privacy and situation, his situation (csa) was effecting me big time and I did feel not just obligated, but I wanted to share the reason for the otherwise inexplicable dysfunctionalities in our relationship, at least to those I was closest to and who questioned me the most intensely. These were people who were clearly concerned for my well being and happiness, mind you.

So yes, I DID explain about the csa, no details (I don't even have those!) but enough to let people know more about what was going on thatn just a passing "it's not working" phrase or two.

There's been little I regretted about sharing and as it turns out - 2 of those men - 1 a friend, one a relative - reacted in such a way it was clear they had their own unresolved issues as well - the family member in fact, had a nervous breakdown shortly afterwards and when I suggested perhaps he might be a survivor, he went into therapy and told his T what I said, as he took it very seriously.

I worry so about him and know he and his wife have had a great deal of difficulty since then. However, I'm not sorry for anything I said and I know he's not sorry either. We've both acknowledged his healing is what's important and he's in recovery now.

Sometimes we don't really know who we are talking to when we say the things we do - and as a result - people's reactions are often misinterpreted, misread, misunderstood.

Dodging questions which sometimes seem nosy and make us uncomfortable is hard, I agree and if you don't believe the person's heart is in the right place, by all means, end the discussion. But if you know this person and just think they are on the ignorant side rather than the heartless side, gently as possible share as much as you can.

Remember also, my dear LittleMiss, if you are actually embarking into the world as a single person now - it's YOUR life and YOUR decision as to what and how much to share.

He owns his past and his recovery - but you also own yours.

Never, ever forget that.

All the best,
Indy


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#239835 - 07/23/08 06:37 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: indygal]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
I hear what you are saying Indy, but I just cannot tell other people. He would be devastated. His trust in me would be shattered. He had a pretty major meltdown Monday night because he thinks people at his work 'might' know we are getting divorced. He is THAT private.

I will be honest and say that I have told my best friend. She is so kind and trustworthy and had her own bad childhood to be able to relate. And like you, I don't have any details to share - only that it happened. I told her years ago, before this current crisis, but during a lesser one. I think he may suspect I told her, but he has never asked. Sometimes I feel bad that I told even her - but I would go CRAZY if there was no one I could talk to.

It would almost be easier if I could tell people. Right now all my family and friends are saying "His behavior doesn't make sense! There is something he is not telling you!" I just want to scream "No! There is something I'M not telling YOU!!"

But I just don't feel that they are quiet/non-judgmental/tactful/open enough to be told that kind of information - especially without my husband's approval. I said before that I think my mother suspects - be even she was almost glib about it "just get over whatever happened to him". So, I just can't put him in a situation where someone may (well meaing or not) say something to him and cause him any more hurt.

If he could just tell someone himself - just let that huge 'secret' weight go for a minute, maybe it would help him. But to push it on him, would be terrible.

I do take care of myself. But I promised to take care of him too. Better or worse and all that.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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