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#238948 - 07/19/08 12:53 PM Other People don't "GET IT"
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
As you know, my husband wants a divorce and we are currently in the process of separating. You guys have read how I feel in detail on my other posts. This is the worst thing ever.

Here is my current, HUGE, problem. OTHER PEOPLE!!!! EVERYONE has an OPINION when they hear you are getting a divorce. EVERYONE has or knows someone who went through this terrible ordeal, and now feel qualified to tell me EXACTLY what to DO, THINK, FEEL, ETC.

YES - I am DEVASTATED that my husband wants out. I can't breath if I think about it too much. But when others ask for details - 'why is this happening?' 'what did he say?' 'what has he done?' they think my answers are stupid, pathetic, illogical. I try to be as honest as I can be - but I can't tell them the whole truth. I can say he is depressed - they say he should get over it. I can say he had a bad childhood - they say 'who didn't?' I can say he needs space - they say he is being selfish. I can say that I want to wait him out and will take him back if he changes his mind - they say I'm being pathetic.

They say it is another woman (its not). They say I should be mad and stop taking up for him (I can't). I even confided in someone that I thought would understand about how my husband feels that he is doing 'what's best for me', that I stood a better chance out there with someone 'better', than to be with him and be his emotional punching bag, that he feels we have become 'safe and comfortable' in our relationship and it is freaking him out. I thought this person would understand at least that much - even though I can't tell them WHY my husband feels that way. You know what they said - Its another woman, that's the only reason men leave/no one leaves for the betterment of the other person - and this was a man saying this!

I am just totally ALONE. My husband and I still talk, still care for one another, he still NEEDS me-but I think hates it that he needs me. He said I am his BEST FRIEND and that he can't loose me from his life, but he can't be in this committed relationship anymore. He said he needed to take care of himself. According to family/friends - if we get divorced, then I can't TALK to him, BE with him, SEE him, ever again - it is OVER.

I can't talk to friends/family because they totally don't GET IT. They don't UNDERSTAND, and I can't make them. I'm going CRAZY. This is the only place I can come.

They also only have seen in our relationship what we have chosen to "show" the world. If I hear one more time that we "were the perfect couple", I will scream. This has shocked everyone, and it was out of the blue - but deep down inside, I always knew that this was a possiblity. I have lived side by side for 7 years and no one else understands him and us. I have always known he was capable of this, I just hoped it wouldn't happen, or we can work through it.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#238954 - 07/19/08 01:37 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: LittleMiss]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Hi LittleMiss,

I know this really, really sucks for you right now. But, remember that this is YOUR life. Your are in control of it, not everyone else. Your husband's actions/desires have an impact, but no one else's opinion should matter. Having said that though, you need the support of those who love you. So, you have to figure out who the right people are to support you, tell them what you need and what you don't need from them. Sometimes people just react without thinking about what the person needs from them. They probably think they are helping you in telling you that he is a jerk, etc. but they need to remember that you love him and will for quite a while, if not forever. So, be very clear with them about what helps and what doesn't. Do not be afraid to tell them that you need their love and support, but that you are going to be honest when what they are saying/doing doesn't help.

I've been going through something similar with my parents. My father is terribly upset with my husband and would probably kill him if he saw him again (and my father is NOT a violent man). He feels that he should have asked more questions when my husband asked for my hand in marriage. He feels duped and therefore feels guilty for not protecting his daughter. But overall, he and my mother have been wonderful. They've put their pain in losing a son-in-law aside and have focused on me. But, I've had to tell them often when what they are saying or doing doesn't help me and I've had to tell them that as much as my husband is being a jerk, I want to handle the divorce with dignity. I am not going to let his carelessness change me and I won't play the victim just to manipulate the court system. All I have left is ME. If I let myself change and become an angry and bitter person, then I've lost everyone. As much as it is hard for my parents hear this because they think I will be taken advantage of, they are so very proud of me.

Don't feel the need to give everyone an explanation. I know that you want to because you don't want them to think that it is because you were a horrible wife, etc. But, with the exception of those close to you, why not just say, "My husband and I are going through a difficult time right now. We need some time apart to sort through our feelings and where we go from there." Or, if you need the focus to be on him, you could say, "My husband needs some space to sort through some issues." Unfortunately, everyone will have an opinion. Just stick to your guns and either don't listen or tell them that what they are saying isn't helping you.

As for your husband, I don't know how the laws work in your area, but can't you just take some time apart as a separation without rushing into a divorce? You probably need some sort of agreement, etc. but that way there is still some time for him to decide what he wants. You also need to think long and hard about what YOU want out of the marriage. He may come around but then you need to decide which of your needs you absolutely have to have fulfilled and which you are willing to put on the back-burner. You also need to establish your boundaries - ie. under what circumstances would you only take him back? Don't pressure yourself to work everything out overnight. Eventhough if feels as though all of this has happened out of the blue, it hasn't. It's been building up for years so give yourselves time to figure out what's best...even if that means you need to be apart during that time.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#238960 - 07/19/08 02:22 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: Junefriday]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
It is a real hard part- what you can't tellothers. i used to imagine for him, that he couldn't do that in any aspect of his life. gave me some perspective on the sense of aloness, that no one culd understand . and that what i was experiencing (still am, only say limited amounts to others and my friends etc can't understand at all why i don't hate him. and am so far from hating him.

i went to a T just so I could say the things i could not say to absolutely anyone else without betraying him. i knew i needed someowhere to be able to say it- it was just one visit cause it was all i could afford but it was important to say it somewhere, to someone who i felt could understand somewhat.

in the end i decided that those who wanted to and respected me enough to accept that I couldn't share details but that he'd suffered abuse in his childhood that was very traumatic and made it too difficult now for him to continue the relationship. I had one friend of over 20 years who pushed with questions and I answered and was afterwards furious with myself- she asked about details of his abuse. I found i had to end the friendship for many reasons after that but i think , albeit i just should have had the confidence myself to not answer even if she was questioning my judgement indirectly, but i've never regretted since ending that friendship, longterm as it was. Realized it was based on some unhealthy dynamics to start with and that incident was just the result of all that.

none of this lessons your pain or frustration but thank god for here. I know you're doing the right thing, or at least that's what my gut feels. If you don't have a T, hope you can consider it. you deserve the support through this....


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#238986 - 07/19/08 04:53 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: An]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
No, other people don't GET IT at all unfortunately. And people can't help but give their opinions on things whether they know the general story or not. I had a lot of anger towards friends at first who would tell me to walk away and not look back, tell me there were other fish in the sea and that I would see that when I was ready. Eventually, I accepted that these people were my friends, and they only wanted the best for me as a result, but they were not people who I could confide in anymore about my feelings and were not people I should lean on for support about this particular aspect of my life. I realized that it's no fault of their own--they care about my well-being while I am sitting here worrying about his so I do appreciate the caring. But, here is where I come to read and find support because the people here DO get it. Hopefully you have at least one person close to you that you can confide in that isn't judgemental or preachy. I haven't found that person yet in my own life, but I'm ok with the support I receive here. We feel what we feel for them, and nothing that anyone else says changes that. Just accept that they care but probably aren't the best people to lean on for encouragement about continuing the relationship, and hopefully the support you find here or through one or two close people in your life or through a therapist of your own will be where you will find the support you will need.

xoLee


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#239052 - 07/19/08 10:21 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: Lee73]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
LittleMiss,

boy I sure can empathize with you - I was SO happy about the relationship with my former bf - and yes, f&f were also happy - everyone thought I'd finally (as in FINALLY) settled down.

I suggest you keep it short and sweet - you'll NEVER be able to satisfy some folks no matter what -

my stated response is and will continue to be:

"He had unresolved issues from his past he needed to deal with and couldn't or wouldn't. It just didn't work out between us. I'm not sorry for the relationship but it was time for me to go."

to further comments - I shrug my shoulders and say "it's the way it is; some things we cannot change."

what's important is you do NOT look to others for answers - perhaps some folks even feel they might have failed you in some way for "not being there" or whatever - yes, really. if in any way your attitude towards talking about this is less than total control of yourself, people will feel obliged to ask more questions thinking you "want to talk about it" or want support.

Save that for those closest to you who DO understand and DO know the truth (hopefully you do have someone like that more than just here on this forum?)

again, present a strong face, be firm in what you say and people will drop it if you make it clear there is no more to be said.

people are human; when someone's relationship fails, especially when it's clear the partners are NOT both in agreement about it ending, their own relationships feel threatened as well. don't be too hard on them, honestly, would you really want them to go through what you are going through just so they'd understand? yet the truth is, until someone has been through this, it's really hard to empathize, right?

all the best,
Indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#239073 - 07/19/08 10:48 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: indygal]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
You know...it might be very difficult to say at first, but whenever the topic of your separation comes up, a simple "I don't want to talk about it" just might suffice.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#239102 - 07/20/08 12:22 AM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: BJK]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: BJK
You know...it might be very difficult to say at first, but whenever the topic of your separation comes up, a simple "I don't want to talk about it" just might suffice.



Bryan,

I just want to comment on what you've said here - while that might suffice in a professional situation (i.e., at work) people who are close enough to be called friends do actually deserve more information or at least a response that can convince them things are under control in the sense what can be done, has been done, and what cannot be done is accepted.

your statement shuts people out altogether and can possibly discourage future inquiries as to the state of being for the person being asked about. this is not good considering the person in the break up might very well value the friendship and probably needs their friends more than ever at this point in time.

again, while at work we don't necessarily want to get into our personal difficulties for obvious reasons, outside of work our friends ARE our personal lives and often do deserve some kind of answer other than "not wanting to talk about it;" especially if they were friends of the couple, not just one or the other.

all the best,
Indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#239126 - 07/20/08 06:47 AM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: indygal]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: indygal
Originally Posted By: BJK
You know...it might be very difficult to say at first, but whenever the topic of your separation comes up, a simple "I don't want to talk about it" just might suffice.



Bryan,

I just want to comment on what you've said here - while that might suffice in a professional situation (i.e., at work) people who are close enough to be called friends do actually deserve more information or at least a response that can convince them things are under control in the sense what can be done, has been done, and what cannot be done is accepted.

your statement shuts people out altogether and can possibly discourage future inquiries as to the state of being for the person being asked about. this is not good considering the person in the break up might very well value the friendship and probably needs their friends more than ever at this point in time.

again, while at work we don't necessarily want to get into our personal difficulties for obvious reasons, outside of work our friends ARE our personal lives and often do deserve some kind of answer other than "not wanting to talk about it;" especially if they were friends of the couple, not just one or the other.

all the best,
Indy


I understand what you are saying, but in my eyes, these friends who deserve more are deserving of the whole truth. I guess what I'm saying is that if I wasn't comfortable telling a friend that my spouse was a survivor of sexual abuse and needed time to come to terms with that, then I'd rather not talk to that friend about it at all.

To be completely frank, it's really nothing more than a boundary issue. When it comes to my friends, if I feel like I owe one of them some sort of explanation but I need to skirt the issue in that explanation, then I feel I owe that friend nothing.

I guess what it really comes down to is deciding who are our true friends and who are simply acquaintances. After all, I used the "I don't want to talk about it" line with most of my friends when I started to deal with my own issues of CSA. I've also come to terms with the fact that when it comes to the few people I did disclose to (four of them), it was impossible for one of those people to deal with it without referring to one of his friends.

And I do also believe that if a partner of a survivor is in that category, where not talking about it will eat him or her up, then I strongly urge that partner to seek therapy.

I don't mean to be confrontational because I totally agree with the OP. Some people just don't get it. Those people who don't get it, in my eyes, deserve no explanation at all.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#239128 - 07/20/08 07:55 AM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: BJK]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: BJK
Some people just don't get it. Those people who don't get it, in my eyes, deserve no explanation at all.




this is what bothers me - who is anyone to judge who "deserves" an explanation or not? there's a multitude of situations people don't understand in life - and sometimes it just takes time.

I've written on here about this before but not in a long while. Sometimes people are so shocked they react in ways those of us witnessing (the people who may have told them) don't expect or don't know what to do next.

it's also beyond anyone's comprehension as to what may have happened in someone else's past that may, in fact, trigger them - talking about csa is very tricky in that regard. It's not always wise to assume someone you are talking to is NOT a survivor just because they've never said so (to you). Just as true is you don't know what they may or may not know about others.

Opening the door a bit keeps the bridge open for further discussion, if necessary, if warranted, in the future.

Closing the door, well, it shuts it down, builds and cements the wall in place.

so, ask yourself: are walls what we are after here? or is it bridges?

like it or not, all responses are never going to be what we'd like them to be - that doesn't mean people should stop talking about something.

Point in fact - being a leader on an issue invariably opens one up to abuse as well as knowledge others may share one's ideas. That's what being a leader is about. Dealing with it. Understanding those who might disagree and not have all the facts and even those who sometimes have the facts, STILL don't understand the way we want them to.

But like it or not, we need to put it out there that yes, these things happen and they happen to you and me and everyone else. I think when you dodge certain issues around people you perceive as not being receptive you are playing THEIR agenda and letting them control the information they receive or not.

I don't do that - or try not to anyway. There are very ugly and sinister facts in life that we need to start dealing with if this world is ever going to be a better place.

I, for one, am sick and tired of people who DON'T want to hear it, acknowledge it or understand it. The deal is, often times there are others among them who DO and are waiting for that bridge so they can cross over. Putting the wall there shuts out more than just the ones you don't want to cross, it shuts out everyone.

Indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#239152 - 07/20/08 12:16 PM Re: Other People don't "GET IT" [Re: indygal]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I hear what you're saying, Indy, but at the same time, when a person is in a state of emotional distress, the most important thing is for that person to protect himself or herself so that he or she can work on that emotional distress on his or her own terms.

Who are we to judge? I don't call it being judgemental in the slightest. I call it setting up boundaries so that I am safe from those who might hurt me further when I'm already going through tough times. Quite obviously, the OP has been hurt by others as she struggles with her situation. I empathize with her. I also have the utmost respect for her decision to stick by her partner if and when he has dealt enough with his issues to welcome her back into his life. This decision might change over time, and I respect that as well. I also understand that most people just don't get this and probably never will.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
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