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#238145 - 07/14/08 07:04 PM Afraid of the abuser
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I was curious how other people feel today about their abuser, or your SO abuser. Are you afraid still? My husband and I are very much so. We have gone to some extremes over the years.

We have moved over an hour away from everyone we love because of him, we don't go to my bil's grave because the perp was a family friend, also abused this brother and visits the grave. The perp has his brothers nickname as his personalized licencse plate...I couldn't make this crap up if I tried.....we have an alarm system in our home, our kids know all about what to do if someone tries to talk to them, I don't answer my door if I'm home alone with the kids, and now my husband is thinking of getting a gun...

This man made threats to my husband that if he ever told....well, he's been telling....now the fear is higher then ever. Well intentioned family has said, bahh, he's a old weak man, why worry about him...but we do. This weak old man still has the same guns he's used to scare us before...

I feel like the fear is all consuming. We have spoken about getting a restraining order.

What say you all?

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#238159 - 07/14/08 07:55 PM Re: Afraid of the abuser [Re: dangal]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I am still super afraid...even though he's dead and 6 feet under. I have night mares and even wet the bed.


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#238167 - 07/14/08 08:34 PM Re: Afraid of the abuser [Re: Nyjah]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Jen,

I can't imagine that kind of fear and I'm so sorry that you and your husband are living with it. It's all too real. Has this man made threats against you and/or your husband recently? If he has, then you definitely have legal recourse. It'll be difficult to go this route though unless your husband is prepared to maybe tell the whole story. He doesn't necessarily have to, the fact of the threats may be enough, but once that door is open, many questions will be asked and it's a very real possibility.

And you're right, weak old man just doesn't cut it. He did great harm to your husband and his brother and it's obvious that he doesn't care. In my opinion, the "well-intentioned family" who say this are fools who could very well have their own children affected by ignoring the danger of this man. The fact that he visits your brother in law's grave and that his license plate bears his nickname freaks me out like I can't even describe and I'm just reading words on a computer screen.

Like Nyjah, my b/f's abusers are dead, but it doesn't stop the nightmares. Most nights, sleep is his worst enemy. Despite that his waking mind knows they are dead, in his dreams they can still get to him.

I wish I had an answer to make it go away. I don't, but I'm thinking of you.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#238174 - 07/14/08 08:46 PM Re: Afraid of the abuser [Re: Trish4850]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Nyjah,
Wow. Thanks for helping me see the gravity of it in your life.

Trish, no, not a recent threat. The last time we laid eyes upon him was a few years ago, he came to my fil's funeral. He didn't threaten because he really doesn't have to. He just kinda bullies and is who he is. He came up to me and said I didn't have to act like he didn't exsist "missy" and he cornered my husband and I saw my man turn into a small child again, answering all his questions, talking to him when I KNEW he didn't want anything to do with him. We always wonder what he's going to show up to. Now that my husband has disclosed I'm sure that he would have a harder time coming to things but still we fear it.

Mostly my husband has been thrown back into the fear because he's "told" on him. We both have nightmares. He would show up to my husband's job years ago and just hang out outside as if to say "I'm still around, keep quiet" When he was in our lives he made me lose a job, he threatened me with a gun he played major mind games and hurt my soul beyond what I can express.

How can people like that be allowed to breath the same breath as us?



_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#238176 - 07/14/08 09:02 PM Re: Afraid of the abuser [Re: dangal]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: dangal
Are you afraid still? very much so. .... This man made threats . . . if he ever told....been telling....now the fear is higher then ever. he's a old weak man...


Well, yes dangal,

This is my position exactly. I was threatened maybe a hundred times with a knife when I was 12. These fears don't just evaporate.

My perp is also still alive and I believe that he has visited this web site anonymously. This may be paranoia or maybe it is an acute sensibility arising from having been terribly abused and tortured and threatened by a perp). He is also old now. He has his family name to protect. The "law" isn't interested because it is a cold case. Some of the statutes of limitations seem like they were designed by perps for perps for their own perposes. If I can find another witness or two and/or some more evidence, I can move on it.

I'm interested to read other responses to this.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (07/15/08 03:04 PM)

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#238177 - 07/14/08 09:02 PM Re: Afraid of the abuser [Re: dangal]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Quote:
How can people like that be allowed to breath the same breath as us?


I don't know Jen. It's grossly unfair that you and your husband have to suffer because of his existence. I'm not advocating violence against him, but I can sure understand the fantasy.

If you haven't seen him for years, despite what he did then, I'm afraid that a restraining order is very unlikely. I don't know what the statute of limitations is on harassment or a threat with a deadly weapon, but too much time may have passed to press those charges, unless your husband is willing to tell his story to the police so the man would be charged and hopefully brought to trial for what he did when your husband was a child. That's a decision that only the two of you can make.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#238238 - 07/14/08 11:55 PM Re: Afraid of the abuser [Re: Trish4850]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Trish:
He would be willing but we can't do anything crimially because of statute of limitatations, and civil is out of the question because The guy has nothing to take. We've been to the DA, we have talked to attoneys. My husband looked at me and said, to bad a rich @astard didn't abuse me, then we'd be able to do something. Sad.

Puffer: Thanks for your input. I'm sorry that we can't get help unless we can find more victims...isn't it bad enough that there are any victims as all??

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#238291 - 07/15/08 10:22 AM Re: Afraid of the abuser [Re: dangal]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Jen,
I have not seen my perp in almost 40 years but I still fear him.
I still keep track of him I feel better knowing where he's at.
I call him a few years ago and when I heard his voice I felt like I was nine years old again. I could barely talk to him. He talked about his past as if he was a normal person. But I know for a fact that he spent seven years in prison in Florida in the 90's.
These guys have alot of balls and no consciense.
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#238867 - 07/18/08 10:55 PM Re: Afraid of the abuser [Re: michael banks]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I'm sorry Jen. I wish all the statute of limitations would be abolished for this crime! I wish I had something more to offer.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#238892 - 07/19/08 01:42 AM Re: Afraid of the abuser [Re: Trish4850]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Dangal, my H's perp was his brother. He threatened my H when it was going on and he always intimidated him as an adult. When I met my H I had no idea what went on. When i met his brother I immediately disliked him, and made no bones about it. We had many heated discussions over the years. Looking at it now,it probably pissed him off that I would not and could not be intimidated by him. He even told my H at one point that he felt my H made a big mistake marrying me, that I was the wrong person for him. I of course could not understand why my H let him treat him like a piece of garbage. Of course it was needed to keep my H silent.

When I found out it was so hard to be around him, I wanted to kill him. After my H finally told, his brother threatened to blow mine and my H's head off if we even so much as said another word about it. Also my H's father came to our house and literally put his hands around my H's throat and told him that he never wanted to hear another word about it,and if he did,he would kill him.( you don't suppose dad has anything to hide,do you?) Any way my H was at that point still trying to work things out with his sisters, so we went to a family event. My H was frightened. I didn't talk to them,but then my b.i.l. had the audacity to touch my baby. That was it, I told him to get his sick(many curse words)hands off my baby. Everyone was stunned. My husband was terrified for a long time after that,and was mad at me for being "confrontational"(secretly I think it is one of the things he loves about me)He was always looking over his shoulder. We moved away from everyone,and no longer are in any contact with anyone from his family,so things are better with that issue. I know it does hurt my H alot that everyone sided with the abuser. My theory is many more of them had stories or secrets they did not want out. Warmly,NYDAISY


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