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#238722 - 07/17/08 10:29 PM Flooding--losing blocks of time.......i'm scared
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
For at least the last 6-7 days i have lost entire blocks of time in the course of a day that it's starting to really frighten me and in order for me to REMEMBER "blocks of time" i have to sit down( literally) and think about where did i go,how did i get there and keeping track of my thoughts and monitoring my behavior(s)

Last friday my fiancee had major surgery and i comepletely fell apart when i saw her in the recovery room hooked up to all these tubes that the nurse had to check my vital signs and asked me if i was ok.

What is this

am i losing it

is it a sign,amongst many other days activities,that my PTSD is flooding me with emotions that i find myself so angry i feel like snapping.

I am new to the relationship thing and although i am doing my best how do i slow down long enough to not become unraveled and in a indirect way take it out on others..my fiancee especially.

To say i am actually losing track of time in this forum scares me

However i know there are no doctors to my knowledge in this forum yet does any of this "stuff" going on ring a bell therefore have any of you gone through this.....

my life is FILLED with all kinds of things i am not at all familiar with.

Any feedback or help would be nice afterall anxiety can cause alot of people to do strange things........losing blocks of time is pretty scarey to me.

Coop


_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#238727 - 07/17/08 10:59 PM Re: Flooding--losing blocks of time.......i'm scar [Re: thecoopstah]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi coop! you seem distressed. when i first read your post i said 'eek!' but then i had a lucid moment and thought about something but was not going to share it, because i thought for a second that you might interpret my words to be diminishing the importance of your anxiety.

just a hunch, call me crazy, but with all the 'stuff' going on in your life at the time, do you think that maybe since life is going so well for you, you have not had have time to obsessive-compulsively micromanage all the moments of your life, because you have been so focused on the well-being of your fiancee in her recovery, tending to her needs, and all the new emergencies that present themselves in this new paradigm of YOU taking care of HER for the time being.

being in a nurturing role sucks up time.

my mom is recovering from her second knee surgery since november and we have all been taking turns being care provider for her. between running here and running there, work, rehab, it's no wonder i forget to pick my nose on time.

also, forgetting to remember everything can be a sign of health and healing. i know myself i turned a big corner a couple of months ago, and a lot of my hypervigilance and controlling behaviors fell away as i forgot to remember to 'do' a lot of the behaviors that i counted as benchmark signs that everything 'was ok'.

i think as long as the cops are not showing up at the door asking where you were as such and such a time, and your finacee is not complaining, then maybe it would be good to lighten up.

hell ya you're experienceing anxiety. why wound't you; not saying you have bitten off more than you can chew, but maybe you have bitten off more than you can chew at the time, and need to be careful not to let the details of your life define you and your daily course of action.

is there a supportive person you can call on to check in on a regular basis to pick up the slack if you are overwhelmed? tell a friend that you just need some support to call once a day, or every other day and and see if everything is on track.

i don't know just a thought.....

you have had so many positive results in your recovery lately; i don't see this as a set back at all, but then again, i am not there, living in your skin.

i hope you will find some relief from the stress you are feeling,

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#238745 - 07/18/08 07:47 AM Re: Flooding--losing blocks of time.......i'm scar [Re: Sans Logos]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
coop -

I'm just curious - why do you post so often in the f&f forum?

is it because you want a woman's opinion? please don't misunderstand - I'm really just curious as to what exactly you are seeking - sometimes I notice you post in both the male only and the f&f forum so then it's like you just want anyone to answer -

also does your fiancee know about this site? have you told her about it?

I'm really interested in hearing from her - you have so many panic attacks - I wonder how she deals with them. I certainly hope you do share this site with her.

Indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#238805 - 07/18/08 03:32 PM Re: Flooding--losing blocks of time.......i'm scar [Re: indygal]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
since you did post here (i'm a female) i'll just give this response - my bf had certainly described himself EXACTLY the way you have re: such block of time losses. And they distressed him too.

It helped that he told me it was happening so I could understand that little bit more. If you feel like you can tell the people who are supportive that it's happening, (maybe you already have) it would seem their understanding can only help.

I'd see those time periods as just "management" survival periods of disassociation and while understandably a little frightening, truth is we all do it somewhat at times of stress - even if it's only not having been conscious of driving to work that day cause something was so on our minds.

Please dont' further stress yourself out from it, but like suggested above, you could see itas another sign of progress. you're going to unchartered layers of terrority in your recovery, your mind/body/soul needs a break and it seems may be just taking it, so when you come back, you're ready for next step.

i wrote this big long post this morning re child development and csa. and afterwards i thought too how in a sense, the disassociations and lost time are part of that wiping the old slate clean and beginning anew in stages and phases. don't know if this makes any sense.
I JUST READ HOW SANS LOGOS put it and whew , he said it better than me for sure ..

i guess i gotta say to i'm not seeing them as panic attacks so much as natural responses to the intensity of what you're dealing with. I hpe you treat yourself well in any way possible to lessen the stresses.... Peace, an


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#238828 - 07/18/08 06:36 PM Re: Flooding--losing blocks of time.......i'm scar [Re: An]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Hi again Coop,

I know you pm'd me but I'm going to answer here -

you've stated often enough how important this relationship is to you and of course, marriage is a big step for anyone and everyone.

the thing is, while of course we all have parts of ourselves we tend to keep private, part of marriage is to learn to share parts of ourselves we might not otherwise share with friends, even a best friend. many people say their spouse IS their best friend and in what is often termed a "good" marriage, that seems to be the case.

this is just a bit of advice from an older woman who is cautioning a younger man, ok? I'm going to talk to you as if you are NOT a survivor but anyone getting married.

go ahead and spill your guts to your fiance - not all at once, but little by little. let her in, let her see your fears and doubts for that's part of who you are. if you don't, it's liable to come out all at once and scare the jeebies out of her and you both!

help her understand how you work things out - which you DO - you think things thru despite having your panic attacks - which is very good.

Coop - you've come such a long way - but again - let her know about this site, at least that you find support here and comfort and it's role in your recovery.

I honestly hope you aren't afraid to do so - if you are, well, that's something you'll have to handle on your own - but again, she's welcome here and I hope you can let her know if you haven't already.

wishing you only the best,
Indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#238831 - 07/18/08 07:37 PM Re: Flooding--losing blocks of time.......i'm scar [Re: indygal]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Coop,
We've had to deal with his "losing time". He never seemed aware of it, (nor was I), but if I then referenced something he'd said during that time frame, he'd start the panic and anxiety and demand to know who told me, who I was talking to, etc.etc.etc.
You've been under a great deal of stress lately, and you do seem to be aware of the distractions.
I think Indy is right. You've made a great effort and you've come a long way.
Always,
Liv


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#238854 - 07/18/08 09:50 PM Re: Flooding--losing blocks of time.......i'm scar [Re: Liv2124]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Coop,

Do you journal or keep a diary? I ask because I know a woman, my birth mother actually, who is also a victim of incest among other abuses. She's been medicated for years and several times, she's had shock treatments (extreme I know!). One side effect of the shock treatment is that she lost memories from days to weeks to months; she never knew how bad it would be or for how long these losses would occur. After the first time, she began to keep a daily diary of everything. Some days, she'd write a paragraph, other days would be pages, depending on her thoughts. Anyway, she came to rely very much on this diary of hers because it helped her to, if not remember, then to at least KNOW what was going on in her life when she lost time. She doesn't have to wonder and be frightened or rely on others to tell her things. She can look at her own handwriting and know that what she sees is true.

I don't know if this would work for you, but it might be worth thinking about.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#238874 - 07/18/08 11:39 PM Re: Flooding--losing blocks of time.......i'm scar [Re: Trish4850]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
To all of you wonderful people i first want to direct my reply to indygal in that i can see your point when you asked me about why i post if F&F and am i looking for ( or thereabout) alot more replies in both the male forum and F&F.

I can only say that i journaled for over 2 1/2 years and stopped about 2 yrs ago after journaling over 1700 pages of all kinds of stuff.

I look for support in alot of areas and quite frankly i can only tell my fiancee,who by the way knows EVERYTHING about me,so much because i know she loves me as i love her more then the air i breath however i can be pretty exhausting and intense and it's hard for her to deal with.

She just got out of the hospital lasy friday and this morning she over did it and i ended up taking her back to the hospital as a result of possible complications ....it turned out she is fine but yet again i was all worked up and it's now alomost midnight and i have already had a few drinks and a nip of southern comfort.

I guess situations that have come up in our life lately only make me stronger when i am able to get through it.

Coop

PS: it still does not make it any easier for me to not stress even knowing she is ok....i hate feeling so powerless over the one person i am so crazy about....and so in love with.

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#238882 - 07/19/08 12:25 AM Re: Flooding--losing blocks of time.......i'm scar [Re: thecoopstah]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Coop, First I think it is wise of you to post in our section. There are many things in the survivor section that I wish I could respond to,and add my woman's perspective on. You get that here,so keep posting.

Second,you said that this memory "losing time" thing has been happening for the last week, since your fiancee had her surgery, correct? Maybe there is nothing wrong. Maybe you are doing something good and right. Think about it. You have posted here talking about how concerned you are & were for her, you are busy taking care of her. YOU ARE BEING A GREAT PARTNER IN A MATURE LOVING RELATIONSHIP. YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST FOR HER. YOU LOVE HER. To me, THIS IS HUGE. It is what we women want, our man to feel,and be emotional,show they care,ect.... you are being selfless and putting someone else's needs before your own. BE PROUD COOP, pat your self on the back, you are doing something so right.

So what I think is this, you have been stressed to the gills with worry, you have a bunch of new feelings and emotions racing through your mind, everything is a blur, of course you can't remember everything, that's normal,you've had so much to process at once,give yourself a break. I bet your fiancee is proud of you too.

This all to me sounds maybe like progress, just my opinion,NYDAISY


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