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#238761 - 07/18/08 11:09 AM Predatory people
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
It was a while back when in chat I got a PM from a teen who started to ask very personal questions and tried to get me into a conversation about MB which at that point I ended the conversation. I felt very uncomfortable as I was not used to this line of questioning or talking frankly about such a topic with a younger person.
I had only been a member for a few months and did not know enough to record the the chat and report it. How can adults protect themselves from this type of situation?
Not all predators are adults and we are all vulnerable as most of us here have had our boundaries shattered from our abusers. Many survivors don't have the skills and many are easily manipulated. Not everyone here takes recovery as seriously as others. In my time here I have witnessed bans for people over stepping boundaries but has it all been adults? If a younger person manipulated someone who was vulnerable is that younger person also banned? I tried to think of this site as a safe place but I think there should be some way we can do better to keep such incidents from happening. I know there are limited moderators but in my experience it seems to be the chat room
that is the biggest problem where such things happen. What can be done?

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#238787 - 07/18/08 02:01 PM Re: Predatory people [Re: GateKPR4]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
Well, remember also that anyone can present themself as someone else, like and adult can present as a teen. It sounds like you done the right thing. Even if you can not record or save the chat, you can report it to any moderater, and tell the date and time and the other person's username, and why it concern you. They can look it up, and address it from there. In the situation that you described, you done the right thing and shut down the conversation when it become disturbing to you, so even if the other person is looked at more closely, you should not be. They may decide the other person have only 'boundary issues', and allow them to remain, but will address it with them and watch them more closely. Or they may decide it is predatory activity and ban the person, either for short time or permanent. It just depend on the situation. But yes, if the younger person, even a teenager, is the person responsible for creating an unsafe situation in chat or here, they can (and have been, in past) be banned.

Also, it do seem that such things do happen more frequent in the chat room because it is 'live', 'real time' events happen in there, and there very rarely is a moderater in there, so it is more open to such behavior. But chat is logged and can be read after the event if some such thing happen.

Andrei



Edited by ak (07/18/08 02:03 PM)

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#238799 - 07/18/08 02:52 PM Re: Predatory people [Re: ak]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
If I know the person is under 18, I just steer clear all together. But that's just me.

If there's any hints that they are underage, I ask how old they are...and see above.

If they lie and say they're an adult, I know I can't be liable.

I believe this site should be 18+...and if we absolutely need children here, there should be an entirely different board for them.

Call me mean, but we all know survivors have serious boundary issues and it seems like its asking for trouble to have minors and adults mix on a site like this.

I would not let my son or daughter even read here with all the abuse stories and/or violent fantasy that goes on here.

Sadly, something can only be moderated after the fact...like an adult-child incident. Who's to say they won't contact each other off the site?

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#238841 - 07/18/08 08:50 PM Re: Predatory people [Re: AndyJB2005]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Andrei and Andy both make some good points above, and Ricky you did the right thing by ending the conversation when you sensed it was heading in a wrong direction. Andrei's point about reporting things like this to the moderator team is really important because MS does need all of you guys to help be some "eyes and ears" so the moderators can looking into stuff like this. And Andrei's point about how anyone can represent themselves as whatever they want to be is well spoken - we've seen it here before. So it's a delicate balancing act in a way, learning again who to trust and only trusting as far as you are comfortable.

Andy's point about off-site contact is another thing that can't be stressed enough. Getting into off-site contact becomes a "he said/he said" thing if any issues come up about it. Obviously, it complicates things greatly and removes a level of safety. Which is why MS discourages off-site contact. It's not because MS thinks guys here aren't able to make their own decisions, rather it's no one wants to see something happen that everyone wishes had not.

The one last thing I would add is to trust your gut instincts. If something seems like it's going weird and is making you uncomfortable, then there's probably something wrong with the situation and you need to back out of it quick and report it to the moderators.

_________________________
Eddie

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#238843 - 07/18/08 08:55 PM Re: Predatory people [Re: AndyJB2005]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Quote:
If they lie and say they're an adult, I know I can't be liable.


All I can tell you is that I've worked with a number of men who are now labeled sexual offenders because they were told by the other person that s/he is 18 and later was found out to be underage. Ignorance of the other person's age is no excuse when the law comes knocking.

This is true even when the other person says s/he lied about being over 18.





Edited by Ken Singer, LCSW (07/18/08 08:56 PM)

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#238856 - 07/18/08 09:51 PM Re: Predatory people [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
I don't get that, Ken....like we're supposed to be psychic...

I guess we gotta check IDs with everyone now....

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#238904 - 07/19/08 08:34 AM Re: Predatory people [Re: AndyJB2005]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
thanks for all the input. Myself I came here for recovery and to share my experience so that it may help others. I don't, and have never acted in a predatory manor or engaged in sexual fantasy. The person in chat was not forthcoming about their age but the questions as they were asked were more of what a young person would ask not an adult.
I agree with Ken that there is no excuse in engaging in predatory interactions here or anywhere. I also agree with Andy that a separate teen only chat room would help the site a great deal. By requiring a password during registration to adult or teen chat I think would be a more safe and healthy environment for where we can chat about our experiences in a more open manor without worrying about one or the other being in the room. I know I'm opening up a can of worms here but I think its a can that needs to be addressed.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#238957 - 07/19/08 01:58 PM Re: Predatory people [Re: GateKPR4]
ModTeam Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 691
The mission and goal of MaleSurvivor as stated in the banner at the top of every page of the website is "Overcoming Sexual Victimization of Boys and Men". That goal is not intended or designed to be exclusive in any way of males who are teenagers. The organization believes they are mature enough to begin to understand the abuse and process it with other abuse survivors whether those survivors be other teens or adults.

The teens who come here benefit greatly from the healthy interaction with adult males. They look to you and see themselves, 10-15-20 years from now but with a different twist. They won't be starting from zero at age 40. MS has given these young men the ability to begin dealing now and you are a huge part of that. If you feel uncomfortable because you can't deal with a teen, no matter what your reasons are, that's more than OK. Not everyone can and no one should feel badly about it or judge you for it. BUT, then it's up to you to monitor your interactions. Teens as a group will not be segregated here, anymore than blacks/whites, Jews/Christians, Athiests/Agnostics. To do so would simply be wrong.

MaleSurvivor takes the position that any activity by any user of any age in this forum that cannot meet scrutiny in the public eye is inappropriate for this site, be it on the public or members forums, in public or private chat, or in private message. This is specifically why MaleSurvivor has a policy in place of Prohibiting exchanging personal contact information with a known minor on the site, and STRONGLY discourages exchange of same with any user till both users have known each other for at least three months through communication on the site.

Your safety here is ultimately in your hands. If you act in a responsible way you will have no problem falling into an unfortunate situation with anyone of any age and the result will be that no one here will be a threat to you or you to them.

In real life a person is called upon each day of their lives to be responsible for their own safety. No one is going to stop you from meeting up with someone you hardly know and putting yourself at risk. Law enforcement will only step in where there's evidence that a crime is being or has been committed against you or you have committed one at someone else's expense.

In many ways the same hold true on this site. While each person is responsible for his/her safety on the internet, the moderators here take certain steps above and beyond that to ensure the safety of the site and it's users, but in the end, the user is still the responsible party for his/her personal safety and actions.

If you believe there has been or if you have evidence of inappropriate activity on this site between users of any age, or if you see or are the recipient of abusive postings or other inappropriate communications your only responsibility is to bring that to the Moderators/Administrators attention. Your information will be kept in confidence, investigated, and acted on in accordance with the Discussion Board Guidelines.

The Mod/Admin Team

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Private messages sent to this account are checked irregularly due to personnel and time constraints. Please send messages to one of the moderators for the forum that is concerned by user name, or if there is no named moderator, send a PM to any moderator.

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