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#238685 - 07/17/08 06:44 PM Just wanted to comment on an observation
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
In the last month or so that I've been on this board, I've connected with a number of different partners. We all have similar stories and experiences. But we are likely very different individuals; some are also survivors with their own abuse stories, some are married, others are with boyfriends, some have been with their SOs for a short time, others for lifetimes, in some cases there are children, in other cases maybe just dreams not yet realized, education, employment, etc all vary. What has struck me though is one common thing - WE ARE ALL SO STRONG. Whether it is developped or innate, it doesn't matter. No matter what challenges we each face daily as we support those we love, we should be very proud of our strength.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#238699 - 07/17/08 08:07 PM Re: Just wanted to comment on an observation [Re: Junefriday]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
June, I have a friend I talk to about my relationship. She is an adult child of an alcoholic and she understands the way my husband thinks about things, understands his thought process better than I do sometimes, so she is a good dear friend to talk to. She has quietly been aware of what is going on with my husband.

I told her about this site today. I told her about you. I told her that there was another woman out there (many in fact) going through the same things as I am. I told her how good it was to "talk" to you. All of you - dangirl, NYDaisy, Trish, riveria, all of you.

I'm still thinking about you and it is so hard to be strong. But we are. One time, I made the observation to my friend that I spent my life 'taking care of' EVERYTHING, all the while looking like I was the one being 'taken care of'. She laughed and said I had just described my marriage to a tee. Maybe that is all of us. WE are the strong ones, deep down inside our husbands/boyfriends/SOs saw that about us and felt safe with us for a while.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#238753 - 07/18/08 09:56 AM Re: Just wanted to comment on an observation [Re: LittleMiss]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks Little Miss! I know I feel as though I take care of everything my relationship too. Of course I had originally though it was because I was just an action-oriented person and a bit of a perfectionist. I now realize that I do everything because my husband either doesn't think about it, doesn't get around to it, or it just isn't a priority to him. There are some things that he takes on 100% and does a wonderful job of, but I swear he thinks little fairies take care of the rest. He is away on vacation right now out of the country, with no concern at all that I will hold down the fort. Good thing I am not afraid to kill the occasional spider!!

I do agree that my husband was initially attracted to my independence, that I didn't shy away from the typical "blue jobs" like taking care of the car, mowing the lawn, etc. But, I feel now that perhaps I have enabled some of his passiveness because he knows if he doesn't do it, eventually I will. Yes, I probably made him feel safe because I would never need to rely on him...therefore he wouldn't disappointment me because he wouldn't be able to do the job.

So the question remains, who takes care of us? I know I don't need someone to take care of me, but I want someone who recognizes that though I am strong, sometimes I want to be held up a bit too.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#238755 - 07/18/08 10:34 AM Re: Just wanted to comment on an observation [Re: Junefriday]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
Hi June
I feel the same way I was/am always the one that everyone would rely on. If I'm not home, its like who's going to make dinner??? My husband has always been a hard worker at work, I try to take care of everything else. I work also, used to think I was doing good, letting him be home and resting. Maybe now I look at it like I was his mother as well. I have been married for 20 years. It is nice to have him take care of me once in a while. I want so much for us to make it through this. I want to be by his side. He is pushing me away, telling me it is all about him.


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#238768 - 07/18/08 11:26 AM Re: Just wanted to comment on an observation [Re: Abigale]
Therese Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/23/07
Posts: 24
Hello Everyone,
I rarely post here, not because I don't want to, but because it's difficult to do at work (where I am now) and almost impossible at home (so many errands and my daughter is always on the computer anyway). I do however, read these posts daily and take great comfort from them. Reading this thread, however, really made me want to comment. I just came from my therapist. We were discussing how some upcoming travel might effect my husband and I. We are going back to his hometown of St. Louis for a high school reunion and a month later, to his college town for some sort of celebration at his grad school. His abuse occurred at home and I think his acting out started in college when he moved away.

In therapy this morning I was trying to anticipate what might happen to him and whether I should do anything before hand to prepare him, etc. The point is, all of youhave been discussing how you have to take care of everything and maybe that's what attracted your partners to you. My husband takes care of lots of business, work and home stuff like cleaning and scheduling (I'm not very domestic but I am a great cook). However when it comes to anything emotional or relationship relevant, I am totally the one handling it. Just as everyone else on this board describes, my guy just stuffs things down, slips them under a rug and pretends that things don't exist and/or nothing happened. We've been going through a very rough patch this past year and a half and if I hadn't continued to try to have us deal with it, I think we would just be pretending and denying still. (Well actually he still is to a certain extent, but we've made progress). I think he was attracted to me becuase he sensed that I was strong enough to take the lead and handle the emotional stuff. I guess it made things safer for him (once he learned to trust me some), but I wonder if I'm doing him any favors by managing all of this. Maybe yes, maybe no. I really don't know. All I know is that it gets really tiring feeling that I'm responsible for calibrating his emotional well-being. I guess that's not my responsibility, but what would happen if I didn't. I think this is something all of us feel. I'm not certain of the point of my post here. maybe just "me too".


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#238801 - 07/18/08 03:10 PM Re: Just wanted to comment on an observation [Re: Therese]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
I have not problem in doing everything. I always wanted to make his life as easy as possible. If he could promise me that we will work on our relationship and be together when this all blows over I can handle everything that comes along. But I feel like he is going to use me and when he is strong and ready leave, then I will have to start my life without him. He keeps telling me that he is not the same person that I know for the past 20 years. How could that person of been someone different. I just want the promise of his love in my life. I get I will always love you, but I don't think I will be growing old with you.
Sorry to babble. I know I need to find myself.


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#238862 - 07/18/08 10:41 PM Re: Just wanted to comment on an observation [Re: Abigale]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Therese,

Crazy as this sounds, I don't think what's happening in your marriage, with you taking the emotional lead, is a bad thing at all. Partners split the responsibilities for things all the time. You're a good cook; he can run the vacuum like no other! You give the dog a bath, but no way are you taking him out at 6:00a.m. on a rainy morning! You're better at handling the emotional side of things; he may not even see them coming and even if he did, he wouldn't know what to do about it except to freeze. Preparing yourself for a possible problem is healthy and helpful for both of you. He may not recognize it right away, but if you do and you can be prepared for what he may experience, then you aren't blindside and can perhaps help calm a bad scene before it results in a meltdown.

Abigail,

Quote:
But I feel like he is going to use me and when he is strong and ready leave, then I will have to start my life without him.


I'm afraid of that too. Much less so now than before, but it's still there and I hate it. The only thing I can equate it to is raising our children, not that our guys are children, this is just an analogy. I love my daughter, I've done everything in my power to make her a self sufficient adult who makes good choices. That was my job from the moment she was born. At first, I had to do everything for her, but she eventually took those first tentative steps. Then I send her off to school and sat at the kitchen table doing homework. I wiped away the tears because of a fight with a best girlfriend, then I held her and wiped away more tears because she and the boy she loved more than anything in this world broke up. We agonized over colleges and what courses to take and OMG, what am I going to do with the rest of my life!!!! All along the way, I did my best to teach her how to be a good person. This precious little girl is still in college but she'll be 21 in a few weeks. A bona fide grown up. She's talking with friends about "when I move out......" and I know she will, probably sooner than I'm ready for. But she will still love me; she'll still need me, no where near as much because I've taught her not to. As the years go by, we'll be on more equal footing.........I look forward to that.

I believe something very similar will happen with my b/f. He won't need to learn from me how to feel or how to act. He won't need me to have friends. He'll be able to do this on his own but he'll still need me because he loves me, just as I need him, not to survive, I can do that very well on my own, but because to not have each other would suck! That's the plan anyway.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#238863 - 07/18/08 10:43 PM Re: Just wanted to comment on an observation [Re: Trish4850]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
June and LittleMiss - You bet we're strong! We're hurting - badly at times, but we've stepped up and for that we all get a great big Atta Girl!

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#238888 - 07/19/08 01:13 AM Re: Just wanted to comment on an observation [Re: Trish4850]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Thanks for the shout out, LittleMiss. I find it so comforting to know you are all here. It amazes me that we are all different, yet all the same. Our stories are all so similar.in my family, I am the problem solver. It is hard sometimes for me knowing I can't just fix it,and make it better for him. He must do it himself. I'm just glad we all have each other here. NYDAISY


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#238908 - 07/19/08 09:47 AM Re: Just wanted to comment on an observation [Re: NY Daisy]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
My husband told me the other night that I had made our life reach a point where he finally felt 'comfortable and safe' and that my dear friends is the reason he now feels he needs to move on. 'Comfortable and safe' is apparently not something he can deal with. He says he needs to 'take care of himself'. He brought home divorce paperwork from the court house yesterday.

He says he brought it home because he knew I was worrying about our finances and that he wanted me to feel comfortable that he would be taking the bulk of them, so if he brought home the paperwork, we could write it all out. He's doing this for me. ?!?!?!?

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#238912 - 07/19/08 09:56 AM Re: Just wanted to comment on an observation [Re: NY Daisy]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
when this all started a few weeks ago, I thought H was going through a mid life crisis. I joined a support group on line and was trying to understand what he was going through. Then I went to my therapist and told her about the abuse and she said no mid life crisis. I then realized that this is big, not about me, but very big. I know I need to focus on myself, it is hard cause I don't usually do that. Anyway on the mid life support page I read this quote which I read over and over again.

Step away from hos madness. Respect him enough to let him find his way through it. You didn't take him to raise, you took him to be your partner, and sometimes, you have to back off and let your partner struggle as part of their personal growth.

Today I feel like we are having a good day. I don't understand how it comes and goes. Wednesday we were going to follow out our future plans, yesterday we weren't. I am realizing I need to take each day as it comes. I want my H to be with me forever. But if I have to get there by taking it one day at a time I will. I am starting to think of what to do for myself, how to find out who I am, what I need to do to protect myself in the future in case things just don't work out. I think I will look into going to school to get my associates. Even if its one night a week, if we stay together it will benefit us, if we don't it will benefit me. As I said before, today I feel like it is a good day. I feel strong and positive. I know I have friends that love me and will be my strength when I am down.
My H doesn't really have many friends. He has one good one and me. I was the only one that knew about his abuse, he is finally speaking out loud about it to few, but I know that is a big step for him to do.
Thank you to everyone on the site. I love you all. And I will need you to guide me through the rough roads.


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#239267 - 07/21/08 02:45 AM Re: Just wanted to comment on an observation [Re: LittleMiss]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I am glad we can all be here for each other, it's just heartbreaking that we have to be here....I know it's safe here and I do enjoy knowing we have each other's backs so to speak. It's important to be able to get some of this stuff out to people who can truly understand. Little miss...I'm so sorry this is going so badly for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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