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#238464 - 07/16/08 08:29 AM Sexualizing Relationships
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Does anyone out there sexualize relationships? I mean, I have had this problem for the past 12 or 14 years since I was a teen. I guess it started when I was in 9th grade and friends decided to experiment sexually. I didn't think it had any effect on me. In High School, I just became an object with other boys along with men that would pick me up and groom me, have sex with me. I thought it was some sort of male bonding. Boy was I wrong. Even my male cousins got me into the male bonding sex thing when I was 12. When I went to college, the same thing. I don't remember looking for it, they came to me. I wonder what kind of message I sent back then. I do the masculine thing with sports and keeping in shape. I'm not gay and not atracted to men. I noticed though when I would jog in the park or work out at the gym and someone says "hello" to me, I immediately think it is a pick up. Even at the store, all they have to do is smile and I think they're hitting on me even if the man is with his wife. I realized the other day that I think this is called sexualizing? I heard about it a long time ago and thought that wasn't me, but I think it is. Anyone out there have that problem? If so, how did you over come it?

-Lance W


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#238474 - 07/16/08 09:16 AM Re: Sexualizing Relationships [Re: LW1527]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: LW1527
I realized the other day that I think this is called sexualizing?


LW, I would guess that this is a very, very common problem for survivors of CSA.

For me, I had DID, and so I did things and had no memory of them. Things like at band camp, college roommate,etc.

On the mental level, since boundaries were crossed for us as children, we probably have trouble discerning whether someone is crossing a boundary in a sexual way or whether it is just a social friendliness. We talked about this one night in our healing circle. It is a barrier to making real friends and having a social life.

Puffer





Edited by pufferfish (07/16/08 09:20 AM)

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#238476 - 07/16/08 09:45 AM Re: Sexualizing Relationships [Re: pufferfish]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I still have DID and working on it with my T. Sometimes I don't even remember leaving his office until about half way back to work and it's God, whose drive?! Anyway. I know I have this problem and have for years. I've had a lot of men try to pick me up. When I got older in my early 20's, men I worked with would try to convince me to go to one of their parties. They said they could tell I wanted it. What kind of signal am I sending? I have a deep voice. I'm physically strong. I've tried everything I know to keep men from thinking that I am available and then I still think they're hitting on me. I can't tell when it is my imagination or reality. This is hard.


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#238478 - 07/16/08 10:00 AM Re: Sexualizing Relationships [Re: LW1527]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Yes I've experienced much the same thing as you. Sexualizing. Just seeing the world through sexualized lenses.

With me one thing I did too much was turning innocuous remarks into sexual jokes.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#238484 - 07/16/08 10:21 AM Re: Sexualizing Relationships [Re: LW1527]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6818
Loc: USA
I had this problem also. When I was young, I was a pretty good looking guy. I didn't have much confidence at all. One guy where I worked invited me to a dinner party with others from the same job. He tried to get me drunk so that he could . . . It was difficult but I got away. As I think about it I could come up with a list such as you have.

What occurs to me is: I read an article once on how women who have been abused or raped are preyed on more by perps. And this to a significant extent. But I think that this applies to guys also. It just hasn't been researched yet (as far as I know). They are reading someting in our posture, the way we walk, etc.

It may be in the realm of intangibles. A good friend made a comment when I was your age that he could feel the sexual impulse I had toward him. (And I did, it wasn't his imagination). This guy was/is very straight and so he wasn't coming on to me or anything. This is outside the realm of our very materialistic, science-oriented society. I sometimes see kids, both girls and boys, who I feel convinced that they have been abused. But I don't do anything about it. Occasionally I wish I had copied a license number for a car or something so that I could report suspected abuse. I think that police don't know what to do with that kind of information. In some communities there is a child protective agency that might follow up a tip, I don't know.

I think that for gals there are sometimes courses that they take that teach them how to walk etc. so that they don't advertise their history. Maybe this MS Board could come up with some articles on it. Maybe they do this at the WOR meetings.

Puffer


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