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#238493 - 07/16/08 10:51 AM Re: Forgiveness Crap [Re: LW1527]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I've got these strange feelings jumping in at me about men around me. Everything is so distorted. I look fine on the outside. People always tell me I have it together and they assume I have no problems. I keep up this pretense because I can't afford to fall apart and let people see me for the mess that I am. It isn't that I am blaming others for what I am now, but today, I feel like a piece of clay dad and others crafted into some sideshow freak.


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#238494 - 07/16/08 10:52 AM Re: Forgiveness Crap - May Be Triggering [Re: LW1527]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
I agree with you, Lance. I had several friends that told me that I needed to do exactly all of that. But the system of abuse I endured, and contine to fight against, because of him cannot be forgiven, nor should it. It is a pleasure to finally see someone that agrees with my side of things and can understand the rage that I live with because forgiveness is not an option for me right now. Keep posting because I need to see that someone else here can give voice to that side of me.
Right on bro,
Brian

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#238496 - 07/16/08 10:59 AM Re: Forgiveness Crap - May Be Triggering [Re: LN3(SS)]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I'm mad as hell right down through the center of my soul, I even shake I'm so angry. I just want the SOBs to rot in hell and if they go to heaven, then send me to hell and let me rot there as long as I am not with them. This goes beyond hate. What is beyond hate? I don't know.

-Lance


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#238497 - 07/16/08 11:06 AM Re: Forgiveness Crap - May Be Triggering [Re: LN3(SS)]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
You mention a piece of clay that your Father moulded.

I used to have a recurring nightmare of myself being an automaton that my Father created, waving and smiling, sitting on the same couch he abused me on. Waving back and forth like the Queen of England - back and forth, back and forth. Smiling for the family.

What that image represents for me is the front that was required to keep appearances within the family. A 'facade'.

You mention a piece of clay, sideshow freak, and 'looking fine on the outside'.

I think when we go through something as dangerous as incest, we have to construct facades - like narcissists - we have to make sure that we don't look different from expectations to people on the outside of the family. In a sense, we've had to become like narcissists and attend to the outer characteristics of our 'selves' just to keep our place in the social world without falling apart.

Now that you are recognizing these things about yourself, you're starting work on the inside of yourself. It's hard but you're doing it. You are not a clay piece and I'm not an automaton. Inside we're discovering there's a whole lot in there of value.

I think this malaize and confusion and anger you're experiencing makes sense.

You're rational.



Edited by hogan_dawg (07/16/08 11:11 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#238498 - 07/16/08 11:09 AM Re: Forgiveness Crap - May Be Triggering [Re: LW1527]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Lance,

I think that considering what you've been through, you would be mentally ill NOT to be angry. But that doesn't mean that its helpful to you in the long run.

Puffer


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#238499 - 07/16/08 11:11 AM Re: Forgiveness Crap - May Be Triggering [Re: hogan_dawg]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I never wanted to kill anyone before, no matter what they did to me. It just wasn't in me. But all I can see is shooting my dad and enjoying it. Good for him, he's dead. Can't kill a dead man. I just hope he suffers. I never wanted anyone to suffer before - ever. But I want him to suffer big time as much as he made me suffer then and still now. God will hate me for this, but I just want vengence. I never wanted to feel that either.


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#238500 - 07/16/08 11:12 AM Re: Forgiveness Crap - May Be Triggering [Re: LW1527]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
No one will hold it against you if you can't forgive your perps. That's your right.

However, I think this is where I have to bow out of the discussion. The idea of revenge tears me apart.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#238501 - 07/16/08 11:14 AM Re: Forgiveness Crap - May Be Triggering [Re: LW1527]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
FURY...I get there a lot, so I know it well. It burns away at the center of the soul and slowly eats its way out from there.
The sad part is we're not going to get our wish about their departure from this life, because it's full of morons.
-Brian

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#238503 - 07/16/08 11:22 AM Re: Forgiveness Crap - May Be Triggering [Re: LN3(SS)]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
No one should be telling you what you must or must not do. That is not helpful, because all us are different, and what work for some people, it do not work for others.

No one have 'make' you a freak. You feel as a freak because of how you feel about the past right now. You are still the good person you were before the abuse, and it is my hope that you will again find that good person, and realize that he can not be so corrupted by other people, unless you allow it. You could not prevent the abuse, but you are in control now of whether you continue to abuse yourself with your thoughts on it. You are not a freak. Anyone who actually tell you that you are, they are not worth listening to. And if it is you telling it to yourself, well, try to better listen to other people who tell you you are not, because it is often we are not our good friends when we are starting to heal of things.

For some of us, forgiveness is not 'crap', it actually is something that give back to us. I am not going to tell you that you should do it, ever. But please do, as I respect where you are right now, please do respect the choices of those who make that choice also.

Andrei


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#238508 - 07/16/08 11:50 AM Re: Forgiveness Crap - May Be Triggering [Re: ak]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I am in awe of people who can forgive freely and quickly. I am not attempting to take away from their gift of forgiving any more than they are trying to take away from me my gift of rage. Sorry, I didn't know this was so triggering. I should have known better.


- Lance.


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