Peeling Back The Layers
I was born in 1982, April 21st at 8:30am in Riverview hospital South Minneapolis, Minnesota. I canít recall many days of my baby years or even the first four years of my life. From what my parents would say was that I was a very quiet child I didnít cry often. I was more amazed like most babies with the things around me. If I was tired my parents would drive me around the block to put me to sleep.
As I grew up into my young toddler years I was a con artist I use to run around the complex looking for animals at 5am or I would be blocking up traffic in the afternoon while my dad was on the phone talking to friends and then coming to save me because I was trying to direct traffic at 5 or I would be up in the morning watching my favorite movie ghost busters either in fast forwards or backwards so I could see the cool parts.
I had more toys then any kid in the neighborhood but they never lasted more then a week because I would destroy them or take them apart before anyone could get there hands on them. Well and there was my Nintendo like most kids In that era who had one we were all addicted to them, but if we did something wrong or didnít do our chores no video games for me. I had more girls in the neighborhood after then most kids my age because I was the playful one but I was also very shy. I had many friends that were my boys that I hungout with played sports with through the years they disappeared and moved on just like everything else does. I remember the zoos we use to go too the firework shows we use to go see the fishing trips we had with my father and my uncle but that all consisted of you know what alcohol.
I have a brother and a sister. My brother is 2yrs younger then me and my sister is 4yrs older then Iam. We were like typical children always picking on each other getting into fights seeing who was better then one another. Me and my brother shared a room and my sister had her own room. We were one big happy Brady bunch with us 3. My parents on the other hand is another story. My father was pretty young when I was born I think he was 22 and my mother at the time was 20. My mother was the stay home mom she helped us to learn our abcs and did stuff around the home cleaned did her duties as a full time mother. My father was more the worker like the older style families putting in long hours, working hard for his money $. Then usually after that my mom and my dad would meet up at the bar shoot pool then come home late. So in the mean time my sister was watching us or they would put us off onto either side of the family for babysitting and never really spent any quality time with them because my sister was the parent at those points or our babysitters.
While getting into my 6,7,8 yrs of age my parents started fighting a lot and drinking a lot more. My mother would get extremely jealous and insecure at my father and would blame him for everything. They would fight some more and at times I remember my moms head going through a wall or my mom on top of my dad beating the shit out of him because of her own insecurities. My mother would bring out all her emotions on to us kids because she didnít know what else to do with her feelings. So we had to take care of her. Then she would fill our heads with all this crap about my father. To find out many years later it wasnít the truth and that my dad was there it was my mother who was insecure and jealous most of the time who lost in the family even though my father was drinking and doing drugs he did his fair share of being there until they got divorced then me and my brother never saw him it was like a shell shock to me and him. After that we never came home because my mom had a new boy friend. I just couldnít stand being home and going through with all that drama I hated my mom and my dad I hated being in the middle of all that crap and listening to my parents fight over me and my brother as to who was going to live with who and so forth who was going to have there last name and who was going to be with whos religion it just got old and me my brother and my sister grew up in a lot of trauma in the home life. So I spent a lot of my childhood in isolation I refused to go to school because I had no feeling for learning I hated my family because I felt no one cared for me. So isolated myself and felt ashamed and wanted to grow up fast and move whenever I could and start new life of my own. Eventually we moved to Wisconsin.
Let me say this even when I wasnít at home dealing with the emotional and physical abuse from my parents. I was out on the streets stealing from stores, getting into fights with other kids, trying to be somebody at the age of 8! I wasnít though I got teased and picked on a lot by other boys that were taller and more physically stronger then me and felt over powered got my ass kicked by a bunch of black kids. I also had a lot of fun though with some of them. Slidding, going to the zoo or the timber wolves game or going to watch the twins play, playing jackpot with the football or chasing girls around the neighborhood.
The sexual abuse didnít take place until I met this kid greg who was my sisters age so he would be 13 or 14 at the time he was a great friend I thought. He did the same things picked on me teased me, made me look at porn with made me masturbate with him he took me into the shower and I had to give him a blow job and in return he did the same to me. I think that was the hardest part of my childhood that I had to deal with that I ignored for years. I carried those behaviors with me until I was 23yrs old masturbation and porn were huge triggers for me and the problems I was having and of course my friends picking on me and calling me gay which just put me to the bottom. It was like I was little lynchmob all over again in those years when I was 23 but in all reality I was acting like I was 8 all over again and never really came to my own true feelings about those instances in my life.
Then I started lying, stealing, I've lost a lot of friendships because of it, I drank 3-4 times a week, I acted like someone that I wasn't because I wasn't proud of the person I was at that point in my life. I got fired from job after job I just didn't care all I cared about was drinking and isolating from the people I love and now I regret it deeply and it has caused a lot of grief and guilt in my life but the way I see it we all go through it at some point our lives im just glad I got it out of the way.
Now in my life im learning to take responsibility for those feelings and emotions and learning to forgive and come to more acceptance in my life so I can move on with my life everyday. I still struggle with my internal anger and repress my emotions but im learning to open more and more everyday and knowing that im not a victim anymore and that I can actually love and trust people and still get hurt and learn from it.
When I come to those sensitive areas in my life with my father and my friends im building up to the day to where I can just stand up for myself and if they don't like what I have to say they'll either respect me or they wont and Ill have the biggest confidance boost in my life when that day comes and I can feel it everyday by building stronger boundaries and better relationships with other people. The better the boundaries I have the better off ill be. "he who thinkeths with his heart is he..."