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#238184 - 07/14/08 09:22 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: CDavid]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I had a single T who worked with me on DID.

I devised some of my own therapies and moved much more rapidly than he expected. But it kind of backfired because then I became very discontent with what he was doing.

I would be happy to share these self-devised therapies as time permits on this MS board if I can figure out how to do it constructively.

DID is so much different than depicted in the early movies such as the 3 Faces of Eve and Sybil. Mainly, it usually a much more mild condition and can be amenable to treatment. Most or all of us though need some professional help with the problem. Why? Because the nature of DID is to keep information from ourself because we can't handle it when it happened (usually as a child). Just think about it. If our brain has been "partitioned" so that we can't "see" certain areas, then how can we even know how to deal with it.

On the other side of the fence is the fact that DID is set up to handle certain conditions. When these conditions are no longer in place, apparently the brain can begin to sense this and let down some of those barriers spontaneously.

Puffer


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#238193 - 07/14/08 09:57 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: pufferfish]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
I guess the point really to be made is...that if you are paddling yer five man boat around the sound and each of you are paddling in a different direction...it is going to take a whole lot more energy, time and frustration to get to your destination.

Sharina know where you want to go?


:-)


CD


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#238255 - 07/15/08 03:19 AM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: pufferfish]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
CD and puffer,

First I would like to thank you both, You've helped me immensly (more than you'll ever know). Everyone else that I haven't acnowledged I value your insight also.

First of all I would like to say my T has 28years of experience. I have complete faith in her. In fact, no matter what I say to this mature lady, I can't shake her, rattle her cage,yank her chain, so to speak. (She has more experience than anyone else on this island). I have had bad experiences on this island w/t's. If I'm any judge of character she is really good.

Sometimes she gives me advise that I'm not in 100% agreement when she gives it. Upon reflection and reasearch her advise is ALWAYS spot on.

CD, to answer your question. after disclosing (halfway through the session) She didn't say anything, I'm sure she's one to not comment at the time, before she gives wrong direction. What she did do was give me an assignment to journal on fear.

I don't know If I've expressed it yet but I feel I am islandboy in my head, and Sharina in my heart.

Let's pretend it's all in my head. I am sure you've read my post about spirituality and organized religion, and how there is no conflict there. I feel the same here, Islandboy and Sharina live in the same house (my body). I feel different and yet I feel the same. Like what Jung said no internal conflict. Wholeness, with Sharina and islandboy, just different mindset (personalities). Switching from male to female and vice versa.

To elaborate further, If I leave my body (dissociate) into Sharina. She is still me. It's Kinda like when I operate a backhoe, It is an extension of my will. That being said, I don't always conciously, (dissociate) , many times under stress I accidently find myself there.

Did I make any sense?

Let me leave you with a song about Loverboys dragster (My backhoe song).

I'm not a man or machine, I'm just something in between.

1islandboy

p.s. When I read that paragraph by Jung, I was feeling pretty normal, now I'm feeling crazy again.

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#238262 - 07/15/08 07:11 AM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
island,


When I disclosed to my therapist, she was the very first person I had ever told. As I said, my father was a manic that cycled very quickly, my mother was Mother Superior of denial. When I disclosed to her, the first words out of her mouth were, "At least it was just once." Which, I followed up with, "No, Mom, it was not just once." Later, she followed it up with, "He did what he did to you, to get back at me."

My mother's favorite saying, as we were growing up, was, "You know that is the way he is. Why did you ________ (fill in the blank)?" He was rarely held accoutable for his actions.

It seems odd to me now, but all of my experiences seemed to be lined up behind the first time for me. I was three years old. I believed, absolutely, that it was my fault. I described the incident to my therapist and she seemed actually surprised that I still saw it as my fault. She asked me to write it out. Go home, just start writing.

As I wrote it out, things that I had never questioned before did not make sense anymore. That sort of became the way we worked on it. I would write, send it in to her. She'd pull it out and we would discuss it.

After several months went by, I went in on my regularly scheduled day, at the regularly scheduled time...she had everything that I had written sitting out. "Do you see," she asked, "how dramatically different your handwriting is in each if these?" I had written them out by hand. It was true, some days it was very neat, very orderly, other days the penmanship was huge with sweepingly large penmanship...with just about every variation you could think of in-between.

We had "the talk" about M.P.D. It made sense to me, what she was suggesting. And, honestly, I so longed for something that made sense right about then. Certainly, her conclusions were not simply because of the handwriting. It included my ability to, as I say, "wander off." And, several other factors that she had discussed with her collegues.

Along the way, I argued that I am a husband, a father, a brother, a son. I am a friend, a co-worker and a survivor. Many roles that required something different from each. A different "mindset" as you say. But I could feel it, the emergence of a five year old, an eight year old and a twelve year old. Being a father, I recognized those ages as critical ages of development where certain changes become obvious.

I would not say I openly embraced the diagnosis of M.P.D., in fact, after that intervention, of sorts, I started typing everything out. Sending it in typewritten instead of writing it out by hand. And along the way it has helped me to embrace the, sort of, reality of it all.

What he did to me. How he did it over and over and how that affected my life. How I built and developed strategies over the years to protect myself from it, how I assumed the responsibility for it...and how that no longer served me well.

Because...I kept doing the same things over and over, expecting different results. And, we know that's crazy, uh?

But if the diagnosis of D.I.D. is to inform, I decided, then, okay. Then, I accept that. But given my experiences, where he rarely took responsibility for his actions...I convinced myself that the diagnosis would not be an excuse or reason to dismiss or discourage me from taking responsibility for my actions or feelings.


:-)


CD


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#238457 - 07/16/08 06:21 AM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: CDavid]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Ashiatsu (final frontier).

Footnote: I guess I only hit the preview reply, I can't believe I have to type this ALL over again.

I showed up at my massage therapists waiting room, and she was waiting at the far end of the couch. (as usual).

I got her up to speed, since our last session. I put ten dollars on the table, as a tip, and presented a dragonfly (made out of one piece of wire, as a paperweight/present, for my gratitude). In the past I have given her pretty shells.

I learned the last session that I need to yield all resistance. The best way to help, is to not try and not help. True relaxation, is established by letting go ABSOLUTELY.

In order to achieve this goal, I decided, in lieu of picking a destination, I would instead try and be an object. First I tried to be butter, this form turned out to be counterproductive as it was to fluid.

Next I tried Ice, this form had merit, and she melted my persona layer by layer. As an added benifit to this total relaxation, she was able to dish out a deeper level of pain/relief. This form worked well on the overbar foot pressure part.

When I turned over, I had to modify this form to ice in water. The form needed to be more fluid, as she was manipulating my legs, arms and neck.

This is when, I first took flight and left my body. With no destination in mind I quickly returned. I then started exploring. Just being newly hatched from the frozen tundra, I couldn't stay out long. I managed to keep going out in several directions though.

This was when I noticed in my peripherial vision, that an equal number of body memories showed up on both sides. About ten total. I didn't have a lot of control, but managed to investigate both sides for a limited time. One thing that was clear to me was that I understood these memories, as I viewed them.

Even though I understood them, I could not remember/recall what I saw. Maybe next time.

Let me stop at this point, to explain that I have never experienced this sensation before. If I dissociate while under stress, my goal is to hide, honestly, I don't know who is left in my body at this point, but I'm guessing it is Sharina. Given the same scenerio, while not under stress, I can easily turn into Sharina.

This experience was pure, in that the ice form was ONE entity.

my last venture out I arrived at a place that looked like an crystal ice garden.

In the forefront of this scene, I saw the most spectacular, elabarate, well detailed and fragile looking crystal ice dragonfly, I have ever seen (no shit, it's a first). It was really a wonder to behold, I tried to take my massage therapist there ,but I don't think it works this way.

She wrapped up the session by cupping my face with both hands, it is here that she holds me. I can't explain how, but she holds me. After a spell, this is when she leaves and we debrief in the waiting room.

Before I left, she had a surprise for me. A book to borrow. it is titled, Concious Breathing, by Gay Hendrick Ph. D.

It's three thirty in the morning , and I am totally exhausted . I feel compelled to share what an amazing trip it was. I've got another trip scheduled in two weeks.

Not that I have any idea what I am talking about, but in the meantime, I was wondering if it would help me, to investigate kundalini yoga or buddhist meditation
before I take my next trip?


Learning to fly, but I aint got wings (Tom Petty). If he's sold out, You can get tickets with either New Floyd or Slaughter.

1islandboy

p.s. I find it curious, that I was reading a post on the illumination of buddhism and later that day I attended a step ten meeting. (same message, different words).



Edited by 1islandboy (07/16/08 01:06 PM)
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#238589 - 07/16/08 10:29 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Even though the road here has been hard, island...I got to admit that the results are far more than I imagined they would be.

About a year or so ago, I was sitting in my T's office and we were discussing a particularly nasty memory I have. Ever notice how they seem relevant to what might be going on in your life at the time?

So, we were just exploring it. He said, "Move closer to it, or further away from it or me...and see what happens." Reluctant to get closer to the memory I got down on the floor and sat there. He asked if he could, too.

It came in like a huge wave and crashed over me, I instinctively put my arms up to protect my face, my ears. Because I hate the sting of a belt on my ears. And...I wandered away. After several minutes I realized where I was, opened my eyes and he was just sitting there. He said, very matter of factly, "Welcome back." Like I had gone out for coffee and just come back in.

I know I must have looked embarrassed. I had never let anyone see it before, not like that. He said, "No, it is what got you here." He held out his hand...and I thought of the way my daughter use to hang on to my thumb, wrap her entire little hand around it as we walked, and I wrapped my hand around his thumb, leaned forward, falling into him.

It was the first time in my life, I remember feeling safe. I asked him, like a little kid might, if I could keep it. He just said, "Yes."

It is a seed, the truth sets it free, courage gives it flight and it grows outward now to many more truly important people in my life.

It is an odd gift, isn't it?


:-)


CD


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#238610 - 07/17/08 12:08 AM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: CDavid]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Thank You CD,

Odd indeed! My dad has E.S.P. (no doubt, in my mind). I had E.S.P. too. My unkle, (perp) took that from me. A PRECIOUS GIFT, from the divine one. I've given up on that dream, that I'll ever get this power back.

The divine one has bestowed a new gift. I feel that there might be a shift. I didn't realize it until now. I went out as ONE entity. I feel as if the partition, might be gone. This is just beyond bizarre. In the end, I feel as if there's, nothing left to figure out, and this whole exercise is just a journal of my progress. At this point, I wont even rule out that, I saw the divine one him/her self. If we were to see the divine one, in all his/her glory could our minds handle it? Like I said, the dragonfly, was TRUE PERFECTION.

My posts are all over, so I don't know if I posted it here. There was another place of refuge. I hid in the music. (I HEAL, in the music). Every prayer/devotion I make includes: SEE ME, FEEL ME, TOUCH ME, HEAL ME. (Always from the humility angle). The BIG BOOK, warns us against other avenues (Egoism type motives). Perhaps my prayers have been answered, and it is as simple as that.

How can he be saved,from the eternal grave? (Tommy)

island

p.s. still going back in two weeks.


_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#247926 - 09/02/08 08:12 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
oneday Offline


Registered: 09/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: pacific northwest
hello , i am new here. i want to say thank you very much for the topic and this thread.
i have so many (all!) of the same issues. for years i thought i was bi or tg or tv ,pre-op or non-op, or, or,....
well i'm still not sure, but it's a relief to know i'm not the only one thinking about this stuff. back when i was much much younger i was diagnosed with g.i.d. (thats what they called it in the 70's i guess?) finding a name for it is kind of important to me. but finding out i am not alone means so much more.


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