Hey everyone,

I have feared posting about this for some time now but I really think it's time to let it out.

I have been confused about my sexual identity for some time now but I have accpeted that. What I have come to identify just in the last months is a sexual response to my abuse. When I think about my CSA I have in the past felt aroused on some level. I just don't understand how I can be remotely attracted by something so terrible. I know what happened was not my fault, I keep revisiting the abuse in my sexual fantasies and my dreams. How do I disassociate sexual arousal and abuse?

I seek power and control over my sexuality and this is the focal point of my sexual thoughts. I have not acted out any of this because I know what is at stake when others are involved but I do act in so to speak. What causes these responses?

I do not want to be bound to these overwhelming thoughts, so much of my energy goes into these behaviours that I am left tired on most days. I do have a therapist and I am working on several different things. I have said this so many times, it seems I only know how to identify with sexual feelings and nothing else.

My last session with my T we talked about a lack of feelings or more accurately not being able to identify them. One thing is for sure when I do identify them I sexualize them in every way. I have sexualized the world around me from friends, family and myself. I want to move towards a me that sees others as human beings not just sexual objects like I once was.

I have never acknowledged the effects of my abuse or even knew it was affecting me at all but now I can feel it impacting every aspect of my life. I just want to be rewired.

I am no expert, but I've lived through it. It is creepy when you get an erection in the therapist's office while talking about sexual abuse. Why not? We are in fact reliving it and our brains are only responding to it naturally. I think many of us are confused gender-wise, some more than others. It is the nature of the beast here and a sign of what we have been through that tells us it is real. Like you, I wish I could be rewired also,it would make things much easier and better. I hope in time we can be somewhat. Just keep talking to your MS Brothers. It will take time, but it will get better and make sense.