I have feared posting about this for some time now but I really think it's time to let it out.
I have been confused about my sexual identity for some time now but I have accpeted that. What I have come to identify just in the last months is a sexual response to my abuse. When I think about my CSA I have in the past felt aroused on some level. I just don't understand how I can be remotely attracted by something so terrible. I know what happened was not my fault, I keep revisiting the abuse in my sexual fantasies and my dreams. How do I disassociate sexual arousal and abuse?
I seek power and control over my sexuality and this is the focal point of my sexual thoughts. I have not acted out any of this because I know what is at stake when others are involved but I do act in so to speak. What causes these responses?
I do not want to be bound to these overwhelming thoughts, so much of my energy goes into these behaviours that I am left tired on most days. I do have a therapist and I am working on several different things. I have said this so many times, it seems I only know how to identify with sexual feelings and nothing else.
My last session with my T we talked about a lack of feelings or more accurately not being able to identify them. One thing is for sure when I do identify them I sexualize them in every way. I have sexualized the world around me from friends, family and myself. I want to move towards a me that sees others as human beings not just sexual objects like I once was.
I have never acknowledged the effects of my abuse or even knew it was affecting me at all but now I can feel it impacting every aspect of my life. I just want to be rewired.
I am the warrior.