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#238140 - 07/14/08 06:10 PM Did he ever really love me?
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
My husband and I are done. After learning about his CSA 2 months ago and reading everything I could possibly find to better understand the effect on him, how to support him and how NOT to be co-dependent, the time has come to look after myself. He has changed too much and the hurt is too great to stay in the relationship while he continues to deny that the CSA is a factor.

I had thought that putting all the blame on me was the worst it could get. He has now sunk to a new level of manipulation that is quite scary. I have also learned about some of his acting out in his childhood years...it appears as though his earlier emotional numbness tendancies have returned in full force.

I think I still love the man he once was,but the man he is now frightens me. As if breaking my heart and reducing my self-esteem to nothing wasn't bad enough, I worry that he is out to ruin me financially.

How could he have forgotten all of his feelings for me...unless he never really loved me at all????

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#238142 - 07/14/08 06:47 PM Re: Did he ever really love me? [Re: Junefriday]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Ohh my goodness, I'm sooo sorry dear. I'm sorry he's frightening you. Sometimes I wonder how much a man like yours and mine can truly love. He says he loves our boys deeply, he never knew a love like that till them....not sure about me but he has admitted that I've never truly had all of him. What's going on that has you so scared if I might ask....

good luck.
Hugs.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#238164 - 07/14/08 08:14 PM Re: Did he ever really love me? [Re: dangal]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Thanks for the sympathy Jen. To answer your question, what has me scared is his level of manipulation and the things that I have discovered about him that he still believes I had no need to know.

There is so little left of the man I once knew. To top it all off, when asked if he cared about the fact that I am hurting, it didn't seem to faze him...he is so cold and heartless right now.

I haven't really changed so I really can't see what has caused such a drastic change in him. I now question if THIS is truly him and perhaps I didn't know him at all. Given the things he now says about me, I question if he even knows me.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#238175 - 07/14/08 08:54 PM Re: Did he ever really love me? [Re: Junefriday]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
June, I'm so sorry things have deteriorated so quickly. At this point, right now, you have to protect not only your emotional health but your financial status as well. I'm sure its everyone's hope, especially yours (duh!) that your husband will turn a corner and work his way back, but in the meanwhile, you can't allow the destruction of you and everything you've built to crumble along with him. Patience and love goes a long way, but it takes the willingness of both partners.

It's so hard to make life changing decisions when everything is a mess and of course it's foreign to make those decisions for yourself when you thought you'd be making them together, but at the moment, that doesn't appear possible or good for you. If your husband wants to separate and is making your life miserable with hate speech and manipulation then ask him to leave ASAP and look out for yourself. If you still want to leave the door open, it can be done, but please make the choices to keep yourself safe.

ROCK ON..........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#238183 - 07/14/08 09:17 PM Re: Did he ever really love me? [Re: Junefriday]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
What a mess. One of the letter's my husband sent me was one where he said it scares him how cold he can get when he's trying to shut down.

They (my guy, probably your guy) do not want to deal with, feel at all. The pain that goes with talking about the past is huge. If he can get you to feel like you are feeling right now he's stopped all the reasons to deal with his abuse.

My husband has done some seriously horrible stuff to me to get me be quiet about his feelings or even my feelings. He's called names, he's degraded me, he's even spat on me. Looking back, each and every episode had to do with me having a feeling about something and him not being able to deal with it.

Things are better now but just yesterday I made a comment about getting a small pool for the kids, he instantly said "where we gonna put that"..NOW we had just talked about this stupid pool the day before, and where we might put it, the day before he said it was a good idea.....(this is where I have such a hard time in dealing with it all. Crazy making stuff) So I say, "well where we talked about it yesterday, yesterday you thought it was a good idea"....so he goes on about how it won't fit there. Forget about it. I say, trying to stay calm..."ok, well, why don't we measure and see what will fit" He replies "won't fit" I then remind him that it seems to me that if I want to do anything that he does not think much of he brings out nothing but negitive stuff and that it's hurting my feelings. I told him when I wanted to move our bed last month he did the same thing, won't fit, blah blah blah, I measured it would fit, I moved it, fits great and he loves it.....I said I'll measure and see if it will fit and then go from there.....he then says I'm "nagging" and being mean....I say, I'm not trying to be mean...he interups and tells me to stop talking....

years ago, I would stop talking...yesterday I told him, nope sorry, I'm talking.


He said "there ya go, talking and I told you to stop, you just keep it up and keep it up."

I said, honey, I'm talking. I'm not going to be mean, I'm not going to be disrespectful, but I'm talking and please don't ever, ever tell me to not talk again. I'll never be hurtful but I'm not being "quiet" anymore when I have things I need to say.

The entire time I knew I was walking on a tight rope but I also knew this man has come a long way and it's time I started allowing myself to stand up and not be bullied.

He said in a soft voice, ok. He then moved on and over and off to a normal conversation about whatever. BEFORE that would have and could have been hours of hell for me.

I'm telling this story because it takes time. The man that spit on me is not the man I have now. I have paid a high price for this man and I don't blame you at all for choosing not to die so that someone else can live. I just don't think the man you are seeing is who he truly is. I think he's pushing you away because it's easier then pulling you closer. KNOW it's not about you. I can't tell you if he loves you but I can tell you he probably has not really ever learned to love himself or how to love you the way you need to be loved.

Whatever you do, whatever you need you have support here. PM me and I am a phone call away, anytime, any day.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#238236 - 07/14/08 11:49 PM Re: Did he ever really love me? [Re: dangal]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
My love was what I thought love was, I know now it wasn't but it was all I knew.

All the things you say about why you must get out make sense but you still punish yourself at the end. Think of it this way, he gave you all the love he had, but he was just plain wrong on what love was. He did love you, he just didn't know what that really was.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#238549 - 07/16/08 06:32 PM Re: Did he ever really love me? [Re: Junefriday]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
June - I am so so sorry. I haven't been on the site for a week or so. I am so sorry. I am worried that my husband will turn on me too. I am moving out in 10 days. He will continue to pay the house, bills, etc. My family is "lawyer, lawyer, lawyer" But I keep hoping. Hoping that space is all he needs. Hoping that he will change his mind. Hoping he'll be who I think he is. Hoping he'll miss me. He hasn't filed for divorce yet. So, I'm not getting a lawyer. Family thinks he'll turn on me, try to stick me with all the debt - But they don't know him, he's not like that. They say that I didn't think he'd ever leave me either, so what do I know?

I think it hurts us (you & me June) the most, because it is so totally the opposite of everything we expected. There was never an indication of this, until the world came crashing down. I've dated jerks - if they had been jerks all along, then it doesn't shock you when they turn into "super-jerk". But our husbands spent so much time building a perfect world and we believed it. So now, not only are we left with the hurt that we no longer live in that perfect world, we are left with the hurt that that perfect world didn't even exist. (of course I use "perfect" loosely - I know life isn't perfect, but it was pretty darn good. And I am speaking for myself in these statements, but including you, because I think you feel the same.)

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#238592 - 07/16/08 10:54 PM Re: Did he ever really love me? [Re: LittleMiss]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Dear June,

I am really feeling for you. Many of us live with the fear of no return with their spouse. This could be any one of us tomorrow. You cannot help someone who is not ready to help himself. You have done all he has allowed you to do. You must focus on what is best for you. My H has begged me not to go, and I have made him no promises. I see a T on my own, are you in therapy? I hope everything works out for the best for you, whether it is with him or without, ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU DESERVE IT. NYDAISY


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#238661 - 07/17/08 01:55 PM Re: Did he ever really love me? [Re: dangal]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
Hi
I am new to this site. My husband of 20 years is going through a very rough time, and so am I. I knew that he was abused when we met and got married. I never asked him anything about it. When he was good and ready he would talk about it. Just within the past month he has changed. He told me that I smother him, we need to spend time apart, he never loved me, faked it all these years. If he could he would just leave and never turn back. I have given him nothing but unconditional love. He did say he needed help and this week is week 3 for his counciling. I love him dearly and will support him in everything. He has the mood swings that everyone talks about. He says things and doesn't remember saying them. About a month ago he says, we need to get another family picture done, and are we going camping this year I would like to go. So I told the kids about camping, I asked him the other day if I should book the site, he said he never said he wanted to go.
He has spoken to me about the multiple abusers he has had. Like I said before I don't ask. I am going to a councilor as well. I need help to get through this.
We always have people envy us, we always were together, holding hands, looking at eachother with so much love and then he snapped.
Yesterday was our daughters 20th birthday, he didn't come home to it, he was going to leave and drive to canada and call us to tell us he wasn't coming back.
There is so much for me to write. i can go on and on.
Please help.


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#238667 - 07/17/08 03:26 PM Re: Did he ever really love me? [Re: Abigale]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Hi Abigale,
Welcome to the site but sorry for the circumstances under which you joined. I think you will find the people here to be very supportive and the stories will help you to understand that you are not alone. As well, the survivors can often offer insight into how your husband may be thinking. I know they have been very helpful in telling me what my husband just can't articulate right now.

That is great news that your husband is getting help. Apparently it can make a world of difference. It is also good that you are seeing a counselor too. It is important to take care of yourself right now, and the rest of your family.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#238680 - 07/17/08 05:42 PM Re: Did he ever really love me? [Re: Junefriday]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
Thank you June
As the days go by he tell me more and more about the people that have abused him, how he looks them in the face and has to act like nothing is wrong. I just try to listen. Sometimes I analyze the situation and that makes him angry. Our kids are so confused. I feel he should tell them about the abuse, but the councilor says not to that it wouldn't benefit our sons to know that. But how will they be able to understand his mood swings. Do you think my marriage will survive this. I love him so. When he does tell me things, I go to hug him and he says DON"T TOUCH ME!!! DON'T PITY ME ! ! ! ! It is so hard for me to see him suffer.


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