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#238057 - 07/14/08 09:04 AM Growing Up Crazy
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I wondered why my family treated me like I was crazy. No one would believe me. My family, especially my mother, would tell our extended family how crazy I was, how touched, a little different, "his brain is wired differently than ours." I was always treated like there was something wrong with me mentally. I guess my fear now as I write this is that you will think so too. But that's the risk, right? Anyway, I had fought inside for years to over come that mental lable they slapped on me while growing up. Over the weekend, I discovered why they treated me this way. Dad was getting his sexual kicks with me and my sister. My sister, who was older, loved the attention and became very unnaturally close to my father and would even rationalize and support the beatings I would get. My mother was cold and distant, like an outsider looking in at my dad and sister's odd relationship. But my mother never wanted to do anything about it, in fact she would go to extreme to protect him at all costs. I look back and now I see that I was the sacrafice they made. There was a horrible secret that they couldn't let out and that horrible secret was me. I now realize they kept me crazy so that no one would believe me. I know this is true because I feel it in my gut so strongly when it came to me. I guess that is why I don't risk to tell anyone about what happened and I am still scared that I won't be believed.


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#238063 - 07/14/08 09:23 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: LW1527]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
yep; they do that. they ignore you hoping you'll fade away, leaving you thinking you're are imagining things. they make you the scapegoat for their denial.

it happened. we believe you.

keep talking. we're listening

peace brother,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#238066 - 07/14/08 09:47 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: Sans Logos]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
When CSA happens in incest, you get all kinds of thought distortions and perceptual distortions happening because the abuser sees the abused child every single day and he must maintain control of that child's life and mind, lest his secret become public. Further, the abuser has such power within the family that he can actually brainwash other members of the family to intellectually 'tow the line'. He'll aggress, tantrum, or charge various members of the family from time to time. He reconstructs history and he reconstructs the present. Moreover, incestuous parents, and even siblings, will physically abuse and emotionally hurt the child - but all the while twisting reality and twisting knife at the same time, sometimes unaware of the sexual twist that is happening behind closed doors - they just do it.

In the case of my family I don't tell them because they won't believe me.

CSA alone can make you crazy, and incest almost guarantees psychological fallout.

Oh, by the way, when you say this "I know this is true because I feel it in my gut so strongly when it came to me." that sentence proves you're not fucking crazy. It's the 'certainty' that is 'in your gut'. That's what you can trust when it comes to this junk.



Edited by hogan_dawg (07/14/08 09:53 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#238070 - 07/14/08 10:10 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: LW1527]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6816
Loc: USA
LW1527

I believe you. You are coming to some important conclusions. What you say makes a lot of sense.

Were you the younger child?

Puffer


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#238072 - 07/14/08 10:15 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: hogan_dawg]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
My family consisted of 7 siblings and my mom and dad. My brother who was 5 yrs older than my was my perp. As you said above, and I agree with everything said, I feel my whole family in some way or another knew something was happening/going on with me and my perp. brother. But nothing was ever said, no one came to my rescue. I was just the shy little kid who said little to nothing, who agreed with everyone, who played all by himself and stayed in his room most of the time.

I am not only dealing with the CSA but also the verbal and psychological abuse. No wonder I am so f...k'd up.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#238073 - 07/14/08 10:27 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: KENKEN]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Is it usually the younger ones Puffer? Oh never mind, I see the DadPerp was getting both kids.

Oh by the way, since your Dad was getting kids of both sexes, I think the PDocs would call this guy an opportunistic pedophile, among other things. He's probably not doing it because he prefers males or having anything to do with how you looked or what you said or did. Kids are I guess easier pickings for these guys.



Edited by hogan_dawg (07/14/08 10:35 AM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#238075 - 07/14/08 11:21 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: hogan_dawg]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Lw1527,
I believe you!!!
The horrible secret was not YOU!!!
The horrible secret was the abuse inflicted upon you and your sister by your father and protected by your mother.
I understand the scapegoat role. I also had to play this role in my family. I was the problem child and they focused on me instead of what was really going on in the family.
I am still the different one and today I see that as a posi
tive. I am the only in recovery and dealing with what really happened.
Cold and distant--did we have the same mother? haha
mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#238077 - 07/14/08 11:33 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: hogan_dawg]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
My abuser was gentle and loving when he wasn't abusing me. Sounds like I had it good right.

Either way it screws you up emotionally. You got mindphucked and so did I.

why, be scared you wont be believed? I can relate. I am sure alot of other suvivors can also.

Life is just a fantasy (Aldo Nova) "This is also our Reality."

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#238078 - 07/14/08 11:51 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: pufferfish]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Yes, I was the youngerone. Does that make a difference?


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#238079 - 07/14/08 11:56 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: LW1527]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
My sister was older by 4 years. I remember screams in her room but I don't know if it was physical or sexual. I think he hit on her a few times, but he was in my room a lot. When we were younger like before I was 7 and she was 11, I remember standing naked in the bedroom and he was touching both of us as we stood at attention. Dad was a military man so we stood at attention and didn't move while it was going on. Sick!


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#238090 - 07/14/08 01:26 PM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: LW1527]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6373
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
LW

I fully believe you. You made it out alive! You were one strong little guy.

Your story has me crying right now.

Just wondering if you are having flashbacks of all this now?

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#238093 - 07/14/08 01:43 PM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: Still]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Yeah, flash backs that are so real. There are times I think I can see my dad walking out. I lie on the bed in a haze of confusion. I first used to have images of dad beating me, strangling me. I've had flashbacks of my older sister naked and getting into bed with me. I thought I was some pervert when I had those. Then it was dad from the stomach down. It was like I could feel his touches all over again. I think they call it body memory. Flashbacks! Gotta love them. Thanks for your post.


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#238098 - 07/14/08 01:57 PM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: LW1527]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6373
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Well....at least we are all together here...hanging on to each other.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#238101 - 07/14/08 02:12 PM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: LW1527]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
We should probably PM - there is a level of similarity to our stories that I have found very rare here. With that, I offer you this - No, of course you're not crazy! BUT you are probably going to continue to feel like you are for a long time yet. When it is your most formative experience (being made to feel like the crazy black sheep from toddler-hood on), it takes years and years and years to shake. Still working on it myself.

Thank you for sharing - our stories are similar and your post made me feel less alone. Love, TW


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#238102 - 07/14/08 02:13 PM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: testingWaters]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
And PS there is NOTHING about the kind of flashbacks you describe that is foreign to me - been there and it SUCKS.


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#238109 - 07/14/08 02:39 PM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: Still]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Wow to the strangling.

Gee I was just thinking how 'courageous' and what a 'big man', and 'tough guy' someone has to be to strangle a kid. He's pathetic.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#238110 - 07/14/08 02:46 PM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: hogan_dawg]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Yeah. I can see his face like yesterday, throwing me up against the wall, his hands pressing around my throat squeezing. All I could do is look into his red and purple face. I don't remember much else and I don't remember when he stopped. Obviously he did. And to think, I thought this was normal growing up. I guess it was my normal.


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#238247 - 07/15/08 01:29 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: LW1527]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6816
Loc: USA
LW1527:

I keep of thinking of this book for you.

This is John Bradshaw on The Family.

http://www.amazon.com/Bradshaw-Family-Cr...16098485&sr=1-1

I frankly have not read it but I have listened to the tapes. There are apparently used copies in very good condition for $1.44 plus $3.98 S&H. I notice the tapes now are going for $55 per set. Maybe I should sell mine. I really gained insight from the tapes. I think I will make a point to read the book now.

I can kind of formulate what Bradshaw would say to you out of my memory. If you can't get the book I'll try to do this.

Bradshaw has written several books, all of which are apparently helpful. It is easy to find these on Amazon.com.

This book will give you valuable insight into the structure of your family. My family of origin was kind of crazy also, but maybe not as much so as yours, I don't know. Anyway, healing comes block by block as you answer these questions for yourself. Insight is the key to freedom.

Another good book, taking the same subject from a slightly different angle is:

Secrets of Youf Family Tree, by Cloud et al.

http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Your-Famil...16099115&sr=1-1

I have this book also but have not read it yet (I had a reading problem as a kid growing up, so my reading speed is still not up to snuff). I have listened to this guy a lot on the radio. This book gets 5 star review on Amazon

Puffer


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#238248 - 07/15/08 01:30 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: LW1527]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6816
Loc: USA
LW1527:

I keep of thinking of this book for you.

This is John Bradshaw on The Family.

http://www.amazon.com/Bradshaw-Family-Cr...16098485&sr=1-1

I frankly have not read it but I have listened to the tapes. There are apparently used copies in very good condition for $1.44 plus $3.98 S&H. I notice the tapes now are going for $55 per set. Maybe I should sell mine. I really gained insight from the tapes. I think I will make a point to read the book now.

I can kind of formulate what Bradshaw would say to you out of my memory. If you can't get the book I'll try to do this.

Bradshaw has written several books, all of which are apparently helpful. It is easy to find these on Amazon.com.

This book will give you valuable insight into the structure of your family. My family of origin was kind of crazy also, but maybe not as much so as yours, I don't know. Anyway, healing comes block by block as you answer these questions for yourself. Insight is the key to freedom.

Another good book, taking the same subject from a slightly different angle is:

Secrets of Youf Family Tree, by Cloud et al.

http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Your-Famil...16099115&sr=1-1

I have this book also but have not read it yet (I had a reading problem as a kid growing up, so my reading speed is still not up to snuff). I have listened to this guy a lot on the radio. This book gets 5 star review on Amazon

Puffer


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#238265 - 07/15/08 07:38 AM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: pufferfish]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Thanks, Puffer. I'll check into these.


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#238427 - 07/15/08 10:47 PM . [Re: LW1527]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 05:06 PM)

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#238442 - 07/15/08 11:53 PM Re: Growing Up Crazy [Re: bardo213]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Hi LW,

I definitely sympathize with you. I was sexually abused by a teacher for two years. My father suffered through panic attacks and depression. When I was a child, my alcoholic mother joked that I was crazy like my father. I WAS crazy. But I was made that way by years of being regularly raped, which my parents were too self-absorbed to see. Her cruelness is one reason why I now feel a rift with my family.

She makes jokes even now. There's no way to explain it to her. It's infuriating. You can't expect ignorant, selfish people to understand.

But you have to know yourself that there's a difference between wounded and weak. There's nothing weaker and more pathetic than hurting a child, whether with words, or abuse.

You shouldn't blame your sister though. Even if she was flattered by the attention, I'm sure she was also destroyed by the CSA.


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