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#255695 - 10/16/08 09:48 PM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: NY Daisy]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
People who are subjected to sustained emotional abuse can, actually, begin to experience symptoms that are similar to PTSD, so YES please talk to your T about this!

I think in the past I was very strident in my reactions to the provoking behaviors (& have you noticed how they also work in tandem with the gaslighting???? THAT is enough to convince you that you are REALLY crazy!) But now, I just remember that when I act in the heat of my anger, it just ratchets up the drama & gives the Demons more power than they deserve.

Just to update - I think I did find a way to communicate in a subtle, loving manner to him without becoming a doormat or a victim - and I feel like a much better person for it. I am going to try to maintain my dignity & not get pushed into re-creating the abuse he suffered - because that's what the provocations are designed to do: feeling loved is just too threatening, so by baiting us into becoming condescending witches, we are actually creating a familiar dynamic for them, one that they know how to protect themselves from. If we are acting shrewish, abusive, & angry - they don't have to be vulnerable to our tenderness. Tenderness always lead to betrayal & pain in the past, so how can they risk it with us?

And yes - you have helped me a lot! I feel a lot less lonely! Thanks!!!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#255773 - 10/17/08 11:38 AM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: kolisha54]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Is this why he keeps telling me I am just like his shrew of a Mother? LOL

you are right on the money Kolisha - Thanks!

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#255986 - 10/18/08 08:59 AM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: NY Daisy]
Olive Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/01/08
Posts: 16
Loc: New Jersey
NY Daisy,
Now that you've officially high jacked the thread, you've brought up a very interesting topic...

I just listen to him rant and rave, trying to explain or rationalize whatever he's upset about never seems to work, just escalates him, and when he's done, I get the silent treatment for days. Once he has an idea in his head, I can't make him see any other point of view. Then I get the ol "Oh I'm bad guy, it's always my fault, nobody else does anything wrong..." crap.

Sooo, I'd love to see if anyone has had success in "deescalating" a rant.

A fellow shrew,
Olive


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#255989 - 10/18/08 09:16 AM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: Olive]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Let's start another thread, Shrewish Sisters???

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#256196 - 10/18/08 09:47 PM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: kolisha54]
cinaflower Offline


Registered: 10/13/08
Posts: 14
What is gaslighting?


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#256223 - 10/19/08 01:45 AM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: cinaflower]
coaster fan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/07
Posts: 11

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
HTH
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It involves an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to the subject, having the gradual effect of making the victim anxious, confused, and less able to trust his or her own memory and perception. A variation of gaslighting, used as a form of harassment, is to subtly alter aspects of a victim's environment, thereby upsetting his or her peace of mind, sense of security, etc.
The term was coined from the 1940 film Gaslight and its 1944 remake in which changes in gas light levels are experienced several times by the main character. The classic example in the film is the character Gregory using the gas lamps in the attic, causing the rest of the lamps in the house to dim slightly; when Paula comments on the lights' dimming, she is told she is imagining things. Paula believes herself alone in the house when the dimming occurs, unaware that Gregory has entered the attic from the house next door. The sinister interpretation of the change in light levels is part of a larger pattern of deception to which the character Paula is subjected.
This technique is also supposed to have been used by the Manson Family during their "creepy crawler" burglaries during which nothing was stolen, but furniture in the house was rearranged.


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