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#238681 - 07/17/08 05:51 PM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: LittleMiss]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
toughest part?

maybe it was one of the clinchers for me that ended us - that no matter what he just didn't have joy in life - no joy, no real happiness.

I love life, with all its dirt and grime and struggle and challenge - I complain and moan, whine and protest - but at the end of each day I'm happily exhausted and will get up the next morning and welcome the sunshine or rain - which ever. I love life, I love myself.

Yes, it's hard when someone doesn't empathize, of course. But for me at least, more than anything else, any partner of mine needs to share the joy and love with me. That's just as important, IMO. It's not that he was never happy, he was, clearly he was a lot when we were together. But he didn't have that unidentifiable JOY of life, of living that comes from recognizing how mortal and small and insignificant we ALL are in the general scheme of things. I think to him, my joy was trivial and insincere, which to me was hurtful and negative.

In the end, we all want to be happy, and I strive very hard for happiness in my life. He didn't and doesn't. He only copes. It's hard to explain but maybe some of you understand.

Indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#238693 - 07/17/08 07:26 PM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: LittleMiss]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
My husband is going for counciling, but has horrible mood swings. I am trying to get him to understand that we all love him so much, we don't judge him. He is no less of a man. I know he has to work this out in his own head. He doesn't want to tell his family. I think they need to know. Maybe when the time is right.
Thank you for all your kind word and wisdom on this site. I just came here for the first time yesterday.


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#238708 - 07/17/08 08:36 PM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: heismyworld]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Dear heismyworld,
The toughest parts of knowing about the csa?

That I'm the only one he chose to tell because I was "in" before he shut down completely.

That I can't touch him, even casually, because someone else used that against him.

That he doesn't trust me because someone else betrayed a similar trust.

That he won't get professional help, when it's his ONLY way out of this.

That I have to let go when all I want is to spend the rest of my life with him.

Always,
Liv


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#238853 - 07/18/08 09:49 PM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partn [Re: Junefriday]
heismyworld Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
Spouses are victims too--I've read it and I believe it. We want our spouses to heal, and we need to heal too. Our spouses need counseling, and so do we.

I trust if you haven't tried counseling for both of you that you will. Or if you've tried, try again. You both are worth it.

Take care.


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#238855 - 07/18/08 09:51 PM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partn [Re: heismyworld]
heismyworld Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
Junefriday,
I meant for the reply above to go directly under your post, but it didn't work that way. I'm still reading the others!


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#238858 - 07/18/08 09:59 PM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partn [Re: heismyworld]
heismyworld Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
I hope sharing and reading other posts helped us all. We are doing well and I know that is by the grace of God, his-my-our strength, and Christian counseling.

Spouses are victims too so we need to take care of ourselves so we can be okay and help him be okay--and family too.

I will pray for all of you.


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#240958 - 07/29/08 10:47 AM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: heismyworld]
smiling wife Offline


Registered: 07/29/08
Posts: 1
OK - my first post. I found this place last week. My MS husband is in therapy. It's all a bit overwhelming and I have no one to talk to about it, and that's the beauty of the internet - connection with like-minded people. We have been married for 13 years and have a wonderful 7 year old son who inspires us and keeps us moving ahead. I am the supporter of the family and get pretty exhausted about it all sometimes. We moved across the country last year and don't have many good friends here, but it's not the kind of thing you tell people anyway. I have to keep up a front that we are fine, and it's coming together for us. I believe it will, but would like the magic of knowing WHEN! I may find a therapist when I go back to work next week - I will be on a business trip this week. Anyway, It's nice to be able to post here and I know it will help.
Peace and blessings to all,
Smiling Wife


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#240968 - 07/29/08 11:25 AM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: smiling wife]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Welcome smiling wife, It does help alot, being here with people who know what you are going through. getting back into therapy for yourself is always a good idea. I see one on my own and it is the best decision I made. I can bounce off all my thoughts to her, and she never judges.

It sounds like you are committed to making your relationship work, it is hard, it will go back and forth many times, there is never one right answer, only you and your H will know, "WHEN" you'll know, you just can't rush it. When it does happen I believe it will be worth it. I'll tell you when we get there. LOL

warmly, NYDAISY


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#241703 - 08/01/08 09:31 AM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partn [Re: NY Daisy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Smiling Wife, welcome to MS.

Quote:
I believe it will, but would like the magic of knowing WHEN!


Me too! Sadly, there's no graduation day on the calendar and the curriculum is all over the map. Some of the courses are only for the survivor with his tutor (T) and others including the class (family/partner). My feeling is that as long as they stay in school, it's a victory!

I hope you do set up a T for yourself, it's a priceless release.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#253704 - 10/08/08 07:17 PM Re: Toughest part(s) for a survivor's spouse/partner? [Re: LittleMiss]
loc Offline


Registered: 10/03/08
Posts: 12
I'm very new to this site and only recently started to connect H's self destructive behavior to his abuse as a child.I feel incredibly sad for him and for me because it's tearing us apart. I am fearful that on one of his binges he will be physically hurt and that I will get "the call", I feel that what he has told me is only the tip of the iceberg and that he is unable to be honest about anything. I struggle with wanting him to to leave and wanting him to stay. I feel unable to help him.


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