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#237689 - 07/12/08 02:54 PM Seekyness
smacdude Offline


Registered: 06/29/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Wisconsin. USA
I was wondering. With the all the secrets that needed to be kept to pull off the abuse, is seekyness in adult life common for the abused? I have tried to search on it but haven't had any luck....

Smac


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#237692 - 07/12/08 03:52 PM Re: Seekyness [Re: smacdude]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Can I ask what you mean by Seekyness? I've never heard that word before and can't find reference to it on the web...

~Bri

_________________________
I farted so huge, my ass exploded. There was poo everywhere and it got into the fan too. What a fucking mess.

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#237705 - 07/12/08 05:20 PM Re: Seekyness [Re: frost]
smacdude Offline


Registered: 06/29/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Wisconsin. USA
Misleading people, not always telling the truth. Not to hurt them but to hide the person that I believe I am (damaged goods) and present myself as the person I want them to think I am (has his shit together, not in one bag but together). Maybe it's a goofy question but I feel the people that are closest to me don't know me.

When I come to this site, I feel a freedom with you guys that I have never felt before and I think it's because you all know my serect. I don't need to hide, I don't need the seekyness.

There is a little ADHD going in the question but hopefully I got my point across.

Thanks..smac


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#237713 - 07/12/08 06:18 PM Re: Seekyness [Re: smacdude]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
I think you have a valid point. There is a slight veneer to me when I first meet people. It does fade as I get to know them, but there is that level of misleading and having secrets that has made me lose so many friends since this has happened to me. I always tell people that my attitude is because I have nothing left to prove to anyone since I have been there and done that, but sometimes I feel that the exact opposite is true.

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#237730 - 07/12/08 07:23 PM Re: Seekyness [Re: smacdude]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
smac,

this makes much more sense to me now -- and yes I think most men after sexual abuse go through a phase of trying to deny what happened and this requires keeping the secret at all costs. As children we learned to keep secrets even if that means lying to loved ones and friends. It's only natural that this sort of behaviour would continue into adulthood.

What you are experiencing now that you referred to as "freedom with you guys", is actually a glimpse of what life is like without the masks we wear. Like you said, we're all here for a similar purpose.

What I have done in the last 18 months here is work at first being able to be 'open' or 'unmasked' here with the intentions of taking that into my life. If people ask me what's going on with me now, I don't hide things from them anymore if I can help it. There is always the temptation to make like I have my shit together but the fact of the matter is, I'm still working at that ... so that's exactly the answer that I give.

Now that I'm over on the more honest side of life... I have to say there is one major benefit to always just being truthful: You don't have to remember what you said!

All the best,
~Brian

P.S. Thank you for clarifying that terminology!

_________________________
I farted so huge, my ass exploded. There was poo everywhere and it got into the fan too. What a fucking mess.

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#237731 - 07/12/08 07:24 PM Re: Seekyness [Re: LN3(SS)]
maxodiumpater Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 3
Loc: San Diego, CA
I know exactly what you mean. The idea that the truth of what has happened to us is so awful that creating a persona not affected by the abuse becomes our everyday shield or armor. The idea that someone would know that I was a survivor of abuse is absolutely terrifying to me because I don't want to be pitied. The problem is that if people don't know what you have gone through you also rob them of the opportunity to show compassion. It's a terrible double edged sword.

Until recently, I survived by just keeping even the closest of friends at arms length and never truly letting them see who I was. I spent more energy creating the person I wanted people to think I was than actually healing and becoming that person for real. I never thought it was even possible to actually be happy or truly have my shit together, but I was willing to settle for people thinking that I did.

I think that "seekyness" may be part of the coping mechanism for adult survivors, but I'm not convinced that it's part of the healing process or something that we have to accept forever. The shift occurs when you no longer see yourself as damaged goods and appreciate all of the positive things that make you who you are. Then the abuse becomes part of your past and not necessarily something that rules your present. I'm not an advocate of the "get over it" camp--I think that attitude sucks. But I do believe (and hope, since I'm not there yet) that there comes a time when it's not the only thing on your plate.


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#237736 - 07/12/08 07:49 PM Re: Seekyness [Re: maxodiumpater]
smacdude Offline


Registered: 06/29/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Wisconsin. USA
Thanks guys for the feed back. This is all new for me and I hope to get there someday.

Smac


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