Newest Members
Lumpy, squeekinby, rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms
12369 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
aleja (40), bc22 (47), DavidMI (40), Forrest_Gump (39), Jay1946 (68), Malc4 (29), mpm01 (49), widpaulman (43)
Who's Online
4 registered (lapchinj, wearytraveler, 2 invisible), 14 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12369 Members
74 Forums
63569 Topics
444142 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#237669 - 07/12/08 01:02 PM Mother of 4 yr old survivor
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
My son and nephew were sexually assaulted by my sister's neighbor, the mother and the children over there. (both boys are 4) They are currently in therapy, however, I was wondering if they have any kind of group therapy for that age. My heart is bleeding for these boy, they are sad and still scared. My sister and I LOVE our children so much and we have bought every age approp. book, cd and movie. We do not know what else to do. It takes my breath away, would anyone be able to suggest anything? It is so involved, the cops dropped the ball with the case, lost the DNA and it is all a mess and the children are scared!

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#237748 - 07/12/08 08:48 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
just because the cops dropped the ball - don't let it go away - !! too many survivors on this site bear witness to the pain and trauma of csa. meet with your D.A. and push for justice!

as for your son, my heart goes out to you as I'm also a mother - I can't imagine the pain you are going through, much less your son. Personally I would recommend family therapy also so you can work on this together. I'm sure there will be others more knowledgable than I to comment on this but for now, just be aware you aren't alone and people will respond.

Indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

Top
#237768 - 07/12/08 10:50 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: indygal]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Didi, this breaks my heart becuase I was the same age as your son and nephew when it happened.

Could I suggest calling your local paper human interest section? They could keep you anonymous while putting heat on the authorities.

And as for therapy at that age? I don't think there are groups, but I would recommend trying to find a therapist (try your local rape crisis line for help) that deal with children at this age.

DNA is not the only way to put this pervert away. But I hesitate suggesting that a traumatized four year old having to testify.

What kind of incompetents are in your PD? Lost the DNA? Christ!

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

Top
#237771 - 07/12/08 10:57 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: Tinman]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I saw something on t.v about a little boy who had been abused and they had something like a group therapy that he and his older brother had gone to. His older brother hadn't been abused but went as a comfort to the younger one.

I'm really sorry that your son and nephew got hurt.


Top
#237824 - 07/13/08 08:59 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: Nyjah]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Thank all of you so much for your responses. I have sat in with @ 50% of the sessions and last week my son was acting out while I was in the room. I let him know that he would not get rid of the "yucky feeling" in his tummy unless he told EVERYTHING, so that he could start feeling better. I asked if he wanted me to leave the room and he wanted me to. I think that he is really embarrassed and no matter how many times we tell him, he does feel guilt and shame. (zones out a lot also) Tried to explain that they are tricky people that tricked him into doing things and that they are bad and not him. This is too much to bare at times, my baby is so hurt.

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#237825 - 07/13/08 09:07 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Also, I have written letters to the Govenor of NJ, The US Justice Dept and just sent a letter to a lawyer in hopes that he will take a Pro-Bono case. Unfortunately, I missed a month of work and cancelled my health insurance to pay for the therapy,books and stuff. My son WILL NOT testify, I would not do that to him. I am praying that someone will here me and that they will get enough info from the therapist to get over to that house.The walls could probably talk in there! (the children that are over there are still being abused!) They are Indian decent and probably think that it is normal(religious thing) Thank all of you again...

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#237855 - 07/13/08 01:17 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Didi,

I think a good person/department to go to would be your local human services department. You could even make an anonymous call from a payphone. If there are children who are still being abused, you may want to give that a thought.

Another idea would be to pm one of the moderators here to see if they have any advice as far as local venues to pursue to get those kids out of that aweful situation. Please, take these thoughts into consideration.

As far as your son goes, I know both of you are in a lot of hurt right now, but please don't try to push him too much. Shame is such a powerful emotion. It's more powerful than fear or anger. However, it sounds like you're doing everything right so far. Please know that my heart goes out to both of you.

I have a four-year old niece who I love with all of my heart. Since I have no kids of my own, she, along with her siblings, has been an instrumental part of my recovery. I can't bear to think about something like this happening to her. In fact, such thoughs are why I decided it was time to come to terms with my own demons.

Take care,

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#238051 - 07/14/08 08:24 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: BJK]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Yes, I was considering calling about those children. The problem is, they appear to be a very well adjusted house - hold. Those children will not go against what the parents or other relatives are telling them. Well, if I keep screaming loud enough, some one has to here me..... My Mom and Dad are taking the family on a vacation, hopefuly that will bring some joy. Take care, I will be back on in a week. Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#238062 - 07/14/08 09:21 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
have fun, Didi.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#239880 - 07/23/08 08:40 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: BJK]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Well, we are back from vacation. I have a question. The kids have A LOT of anger in them. I tried to explain that they have every right to be angry about what happened to them, however, it is not acceptable to take it out on all of us(mom, cousins, grandparents...) They lose control often and throw things, hit, squeeze and throw tantrums, all as a result of what happened. Does anyone have any suggestions on the correct way to deal with this? I know that they are hurting and probably are having trigger issues and do not know how to deal with them. Any helpful ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thank You, Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#239889 - 07/23/08 09:20 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
didi,

They're babies yet. They don't understand alot but they do understand that you're Mom and Mom is the one in charge. You have your son in therapy which is awesome and critical. You can't really have a conversation with him, all you can do is treat him like the 4 year old he is. Love him to pieces; hold him when he cries, make sure he doesn't hurt himself or someone else when he throws a tantrum. If he misbehaves, he has to suffer the consequences, appropriate for a 4 year old of course. But to allow him to rule the roost now will bring you nothing but heartache and grief later. That's true for raising any child.

Talk to the T - ALOT so you can figure out what is the perfectly natural testing of a small child and what may be the result of anger issues than no little child should have to deal with. Either way, you are the adult and you have to be the one to teach him what is acceptable and what is not. His boundaries have been violated and he's looking to you, without being able to articulate it, to put them back in place.

I wish you all the best didi.

ROCK ON.......Trish


_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#239903 - 07/23/08 09:54 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: Trish4850]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Trish knows what she's talking about.

I think the important thing to remember is that four year olds routinely lose their temper. It is in the nature of a child to push authority to "see how much they can get away with". It's part of growing up, and I totally agree with Trish about talking to your son's T to make sure you are aware of what is natural and what is a result of his abuse.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#239904 - 07/23/08 10:10 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
didi,


Having been a four year old survivor...and a parent of four year olds...ya know? What would be really important to me...is knowing my mom was okay. Because I know I rely on her for everything.

Heck, as a thirty-six year old, when I disclosed, people treated me like I was going to break open any moment and some alien was gonna fall out.

Which is all the more reason that close and constant contact with the therapist is so very important. To help negotiate through it all.

I wish you all the luck...


CD


Top
#239956 - 07/24/08 07:36 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: CDavid]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Thank all of you for your responses. Oh believe me, I do not let him get away with how he is acting, it is just really hard to watch. My son tells me that he is really angry because of what happened. I bought him a punching bag that he takes it out on so that he feels better and can sleep at night. We also blow up balloons with the bad feelings and pop them. It is when we do not have that stuff around that we run into more problems. When we were on vacation he had a lot of triggers and had fewer options. Rather than yell, which was hard, I calmly told him to blow it out with his breath. Sometimes it worked. I give all of you so much credit for dealing with this and for being so strong. I see first hand how scary and hard it is and I know that it is not easy. XOXO Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#239962 - 07/24/08 09:04 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
That's some pretty awesome stuff you have going on there, Didi. I might add, though, that yelling is another good way to relieve anger, as long as he isn't yelling at someone. I do it all the time, but I must emphasize that yelling at someone isn't the way to go about doing it.

The reason I bring this up is because I wish my sister would let her kids yell more.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#240082 - 07/24/08 11:07 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: BJK]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Oh the kids love yelling! We also shred newspaper,throw it up in the air, and slam it with a bat while the kids scream all the bad things that were done to them and how they won and that they are no longer victims, but survivors. That is a weekly event! Beleive me, I am trying anything under the sun for all of us so that I wont go and murder someone! (half joking) It has taken every ounce of energy not to march over to the man's house and torture him!!!! Every day I wake up and fall asleep thinking of this, all along with work and living our lives. Sorry, I lost mind mind in all of that! Anyway, yelling is awesome! That is what a park or private yelling sessions are for! Have a good night and thank you so much for your response, I truly appreciate it! Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#240933 - 07/29/08 08:42 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
I know the kids are young, but I am very worried whether or not they will have identity issues and I read something interesting, here it is..Children who are abused by a same sex perpetrator often have
deeply felt fears about whether this means they are homosexual. One way in which
parents can help allay this fear is to explain that our bodies have many nerve endings.
If these nerve endings are stimulated, they will react. For example, if a bright light
hits your eyes, your first response will be to blink or to shade them from the light. A
simple concept to use with children is that of tickling. If a child is ticklish, he or she
will laugh when tickled. It does not matter whether the person tickling is male or
female; the child is reacting to the experience

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#240963 - 07/29/08 10:55 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Good thought, didi. Not only will a child laugh at being tickled, but many children don't like to be tickled.

One thing to keep in mind is that I have found that most survivors who start dealing with their issues early in life end up with a strong grasp on their sexuality as they get older. They may not know whether they are gay or straight, but they develop an attitude that it doesn't really matter one way or another dispite what their peers may say.

In the long run, there is no doubt in my mind that a child who is abused but gets help at an early age and has strong parental figures to rely on will turn out just fine.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241119 - 07/29/08 07:30 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: BJK]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
You have come up with a lot of great ways for the kids to express their anger. Kudos! My cousin does martial arts and that has helped her a lot, she is a survivor as well. She started when she was 4...maybe they can begin as well and you can tell the instructor about their situation? They teach you a lot about how to get away from strangers especially if they grab you by the arm and stuff like that.

I might have to borrow some of your ideas.


Painting has helped me...just getting out some paper and throwing paint everywhere outside.


Top
#241291 - 07/30/08 07:08 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: Nyjah]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Thank you, I am trying everything! The boys start school soon, once they settle in (I hope) I was planning on signing them up for something. Martial Arts is a great idea, maybe that will give them confidence and some kind of control back.Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#241638 - 07/31/08 11:43 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
I have a question. Sometimes my son will talk about certain things that have happened, however, more and more he covers his ears and starts freaking that he does not want to talk about it. Does this mean that he is angry,shamed, upset or does it mean that he is recovering and does not want to talk? He will tell me something and then deny it. I do not know what to think. My nephew is in a different place. He tells all, does not get as angry, kind of disassociates. Every day is a struggle and I feel like I am sinking today. I want to crawl into a ball and cry, but I have to be the strong one. I am very confused, I would really appreciate some input. Thanks, Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#241641 - 07/31/08 11:50 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: didi
he covers his ears and starts freaking that he does not want to talk about it. Does this mean that he is angry,shamed, upset or does it mean that he is recovering and does not want to talk? He will tell me something and then deny it.


He has strongly contrasting feelings more than he can bear. He feels afraid and devastated. He feels badly hurt and that he wants help but he also feels very afraid and like he can't handle what's happened. He may have been threatened. He is reaching out for help but is scared to death of what has happened and the consequences of what has happened.

I recommend you try to find someone for him to talk to. But it has to be someone pretty good. Who do you trust? Priest, doctor, grand parent? family friend?

Puffer


Top
#241643 - 07/31/08 11:56 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Another thing, my son would not eat today. I tried to ask him what he felt today, and he just said tired. I know that he slept well, I know that he is in pain and his T is on vacation for 2 weeks.... Ughhhhh! Trigger? Dont know. Tried to explain that one to him, really hard for such a young soul.I gave him a rubber band to put around his wrist and told him that if he had any bad feelings or memories to snap the rubber band to bring him back and let him know that he could feel and that I LOVE him and that he is safe and Ok.It is times like this when I want to really lose my normaly logical mind and torture the neighbor.....Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#241645 - 07/31/08 11:59 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: pufferfish]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hello Puffer! He is currently seeing a Therapist that he really likes and trusts, but she is on vacation and that is when this started, I do not know what to do!Didi P.S. He was threatened by the perps... he was told that I would be killed and they made him feel guilt for what they tricked him into doing!



Edited by didi (08/01/08 12:01 AM)
_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
#241687 - 08/01/08 07:43 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
When I was four years old, I had the ultimate belief in adult authority. I thought all adults had the utmost in power over me, and would immediately know if I had done something to betray them.

It sounds like your son is terrified. There is also very likely an element of shame involved as well. He is probably holding back those feelings because they are uncomfortable.

Give your son a hug for me today, okay?

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241688 - 08/01/08 07:57 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: BJK]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I agree with what BJK said...he's also extremely young with very little "real world experience". I remember when I was his age I was still trying to figure out how to write my name properly and dress myself.


Top
#241716 - 08/01/08 10:17 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: Nyjah]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Quote:
When I was four years old, I had the ultimate belief in adult authority. I thought all adults had the utmost in power over me, and would immediately know if I had done something to betray them.


Wow, that is a powerful statement and oh so true. This little 2 foot tall person had no choice but to believe that and it is true. The fear he now has of all of us "big" people must be beyond anything he is capable of expressing.

The struggle for your little guy will be long; convincing him that all "big" people aren't a threat is something that you and his T are doing. It'll start with you and work it's way out. I love the things you're doing to help him release the bad feelings. I wish I had the absolute answers Didi, but I do believe that the things you are doing are on the money!

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#241897 - 08/02/08 03:04 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: Trish4850]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Thank all of you so much for all of your input and kind words! I truly appreciate it and all of you have been a God send to me and to my family! I am a very strong woman, however, this has been beyond any emotion that I could describe.It takes my breath away from the moment I open my eyes until the moment I finally do fall asleep. I have so much respect for all of you and the strength that you have for dealing with your demons! Thank God my son is letting me be affectionate with him and he LOVES his mommy's hugs!!! Take care, Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.