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#239889 - 07/23/08 09:20 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
didi,

They're babies yet. They don't understand alot but they do understand that you're Mom and Mom is the one in charge. You have your son in therapy which is awesome and critical. You can't really have a conversation with him, all you can do is treat him like the 4 year old he is. Love him to pieces; hold him when he cries, make sure he doesn't hurt himself or someone else when he throws a tantrum. If he misbehaves, he has to suffer the consequences, appropriate for a 4 year old of course. But to allow him to rule the roost now will bring you nothing but heartache and grief later. That's true for raising any child.

Talk to the T - ALOT so you can figure out what is the perfectly natural testing of a small child and what may be the result of anger issues than no little child should have to deal with. Either way, you are the adult and you have to be the one to teach him what is acceptable and what is not. His boundaries have been violated and he's looking to you, without being able to articulate it, to put them back in place.

I wish you all the best didi.

ROCK ON.......Trish


_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#239903 - 07/23/08 09:54 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: Trish4850]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Trish knows what she's talking about.

I think the important thing to remember is that four year olds routinely lose their temper. It is in the nature of a child to push authority to "see how much they can get away with". It's part of growing up, and I totally agree with Trish about talking to your son's T to make sure you are aware of what is natural and what is a result of his abuse.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#239904 - 07/23/08 10:10 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
didi,


Having been a four year old survivor...and a parent of four year olds...ya know? What would be really important to me...is knowing my mom was okay. Because I know I rely on her for everything.

Heck, as a thirty-six year old, when I disclosed, people treated me like I was going to break open any moment and some alien was gonna fall out.

Which is all the more reason that close and constant contact with the therapist is so very important. To help negotiate through it all.

I wish you all the luck...


CD


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#239956 - 07/24/08 07:36 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: CDavid]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Thank all of you for your responses. Oh believe me, I do not let him get away with how he is acting, it is just really hard to watch. My son tells me that he is really angry because of what happened. I bought him a punching bag that he takes it out on so that he feels better and can sleep at night. We also blow up balloons with the bad feelings and pop them. It is when we do not have that stuff around that we run into more problems. When we were on vacation he had a lot of triggers and had fewer options. Rather than yell, which was hard, I calmly told him to blow it out with his breath. Sometimes it worked. I give all of you so much credit for dealing with this and for being so strong. I see first hand how scary and hard it is and I know that it is not easy. XOXO Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#239962 - 07/24/08 09:04 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
That's some pretty awesome stuff you have going on there, Didi. I might add, though, that yelling is another good way to relieve anger, as long as he isn't yelling at someone. I do it all the time, but I must emphasize that yelling at someone isn't the way to go about doing it.

The reason I bring this up is because I wish my sister would let her kids yell more.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#240082 - 07/24/08 11:07 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: BJK]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Oh the kids love yelling! We also shred newspaper,throw it up in the air, and slam it with a bat while the kids scream all the bad things that were done to them and how they won and that they are no longer victims, but survivors. That is a weekly event! Beleive me, I am trying anything under the sun for all of us so that I wont go and murder someone! (half joking) It has taken every ounce of energy not to march over to the man's house and torture him!!!! Every day I wake up and fall asleep thinking of this, all along with work and living our lives. Sorry, I lost mind mind in all of that! Anyway, yelling is awesome! That is what a park or private yelling sessions are for! Have a good night and thank you so much for your response, I truly appreciate it! Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#240933 - 07/29/08 08:42 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
I know the kids are young, but I am very worried whether or not they will have identity issues and I read something interesting, here it is..Children who are abused by a same sex perpetrator often have
deeply felt fears about whether this means they are homosexual. One way in which
parents can help allay this fear is to explain that our bodies have many nerve endings.
If these nerve endings are stimulated, they will react. For example, if a bright light
hits your eyes, your first response will be to blink or to shade them from the light. A
simple concept to use with children is that of tickling. If a child is ticklish, he or she
will laugh when tickled. It does not matter whether the person tickling is male or
female; the child is reacting to the experience

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#240963 - 07/29/08 10:55 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: didi]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Good thought, didi. Not only will a child laugh at being tickled, but many children don't like to be tickled.

One thing to keep in mind is that I have found that most survivors who start dealing with their issues early in life end up with a strong grasp on their sexuality as they get older. They may not know whether they are gay or straight, but they develop an attitude that it doesn't really matter one way or another dispite what their peers may say.

In the long run, there is no doubt in my mind that a child who is abused but gets help at an early age and has strong parental figures to rely on will turn out just fine.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241119 - 07/29/08 07:30 PM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: BJK]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
You have come up with a lot of great ways for the kids to express their anger. Kudos! My cousin does martial arts and that has helped her a lot, she is a survivor as well. She started when she was 4...maybe they can begin as well and you can tell the instructor about their situation? They teach you a lot about how to get away from strangers especially if they grab you by the arm and stuff like that.

I might have to borrow some of your ideas.


Painting has helped me...just getting out some paper and throwing paint everywhere outside.


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#241291 - 07/30/08 07:08 AM Re: Mother of 4 yr old survivor [Re: Nyjah]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Thank you, I am trying everything! The boys start school soon, once they settle in (I hope) I was planning on signing them up for something. Martial Arts is a great idea, maybe that will give them confidence and some kind of control back.Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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