I am finally home and i am wornout from such a long day ....i can barely see the screen yet i want all of you to know i did the best i could emotionally for my honey as to be expected.
I am wiped out and this morning when we left for the hospital i was a fuckin mess and i did pretty good UNTIL the team of drs ,nurses,anesthesioligist,and the asst and the angel in the OR....( the nurse who is right by lisa's side throughtout the surgery ) came in and i lost it ... i could not focus and got so emotional.
i know this is not easy to go through with someone you love not to mention going through it alone like lisa did long before and for so long before i came along with 2 other surgerys before i came along , what a lonely place to be.
I am soooooo tired and drained that i want to tell the whole story but i am to tired to do as such.
I went through so much today i was however allowed to be with lisa right up until she was readly to go into the operating room and the reality hit me between the eyes when the team came over and wheeled her in to the OR.
i waited and waited and paced the floors and waited some more and slept and did everything i could to pass the time until she was done with the procedure ......it's been so hard for me to deal with this knowing the lady i love was going through something yet i was not allowed to be with her.
A little past one oclock today ( the hosptital gives you a pager and when the doc is finished he pages you) and ....blah blah blah blah ....i was only concerned with lisa's safety and her recovery from the surgery.
My pager went off,i called the number and up i went to the recovery room a fuckin mess...as soon as i came around the corner into the recovery room i was looking around and she says "hi honey" ...i looked at her and i fell apart and could not catch my breath and started crying.
anyway i am SO GLAD i have a place to go to vent .....i hope i made some sense...i must say the only way i knew how to deal with the stress is to have a few pops....actually alot of drinks.....otherwise i am not sure if i would have been able to go through today withoutb MS and people who love and care for me
finally tell me something i am wondering why i was so angry when she was out of the woods ..why was i so angry and wanted to lash out at people........
is it because i didnt want to deal with my pain '
is it because i didnt want to be seen vulnerable
there are sooooo many reasons i didnt do this, i didnt do that....ultimately i did what i knew woud get me thorugh....\
god bless all of you..........
thank you so much for your willingness to help when help/support is what i needed........thank you ...thank you, thank you...it means alot...
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "