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#237324 - 07/10/08 07:55 PM Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 859
Loc: washington
O.k. First I would like to thank everyone who contributed to my ( BDSM?) post. It was my first major post. It was very insightfull, comments both for and against.(I need to hear your truth.) It helps me learn and grow.

I got a p.m that basically said I was try to process my fantasies through the board. Since that time I have jumped over to a sister board dealing with this same issue.

Interestingly enough they have a bdsm thread (no opposition over there)

For me I don't honestly know within my dissociative states what is fantasy and what is reality. I do believe this is a sexual identity issue.(Or, at least a recovery issue).
I am a gentle soul, Always was, always will be. (that"s why I was such a good target). If however you feel my perception is wrong let me know and I will gently dissappear.(Who knows if I will come back).

Figuring out my sexual self is not easy, just the other day, I Identified, straight with bisex tendencies. Today I Identify, 100% straight and likes kinky sex.(Sharina)

Let my explain my confusion,I identify two personalities (that I turn on and off). I have not been officially diagnosed with split personality disorder.(what I have/where I go is close).

There is the male,masculine dominant self,(my inner child). The same personality that went to work today. Then there is a private feminine submisive side.I have named her Sharina.

This is so confusing,it's hard to put into words.In many ways it's more of a personality gender issue, than it is a sexual issue.

I don't even know how I got here. Was she created as a sacrifice,in order to protect me when I couldn't physically protect myself? (six to seven years old). How about within the realm of the shame of being made gay? I was to young to process,what was happening to me.

All I know is she, is in a cage inside myself. I cannot pretend she doesn't exist anymore than I can deny, my male child within.

You know the other day I was future tripping about this. Concerning disclosure in a future relationship.

I really can't put it into words how HARD and how CONFUSING this is for me.

All I know is I welcome your comments, If you can relate, PLEASE, light the trail for me.


island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#237345 - 07/10/08 09:20 PM Re: Figuring out my personal self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Island:
Sexual abuse can cause a lot of different responses and reactions in people. Some identify with the abuser and may seek that power over others in sexual or non-sexual ways. Others may focus on the penis as an object of power and become sexual but this time, as adolescents or adults, they are in charge and can say what they want to do and with whom.

Other times, it can play out with taking on a feminine role, perhaps as you might have done with the personna Shanina, where you are not the victim but someone who is now an adult and can say with whom and what you are willing to do (or somehow control what is done by you-as opposed to being the victim of someone else when you had no control.)

It's all pretty complicated and most people need a good therapist to sort out what it all means. Your are right that it is confusing and complicated it can be. Probably not a do it yourself project but maybe some of the comments here can help.


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#237348 - 07/10/08 10:05 PM Re: Figuring out my personal self. Can you relate?T [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Firstly, I just put this as the number one best response ever!!
"Probably not a do it yourself project..." I love that!

Okay, sorry, I am easily distracted.

Hey, 1islandboy,


Hmmm?

"There is the male,masculine dominant self,(my inner child). The same personality that went to work today. Then there is a private feminine submisive side."

If we were to remove the perception that male is domininant and female is submissive...which is certainly a learned perception...then, what? Are they, then, simply different aspects of a personality that compliment one another?

I like to cook, I used to make my girl's clothes...but I also like to build houses. They are not in conflict with one another. They compliment one another.

Interesting post,1islandboy, it's going to be cool to see what the responses will be.

CD


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#237387 - 07/11/08 01:15 AM Re: Figuring out my personal self. Can you relate?T [Re: CDavid]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 859
Loc: washington
CDavid,

After I read your first two sentences I laughed. Thanks I needed that. At the end of my post I sent a P.M. to one of the "Guardian Angels". At the end of my P.M. I started crying. Then I regrouped with an A.A. meeting.

I'm your classic "stuffer". I stuff my feelings as far down inside as possible, I hold it down with drugs and alcohol.

Now that I am sober, I feel the full force of my emotions. Sometimes thats a good thing, and some times ...

I feel maybe I should elaborate a little on what I've found in my recovery.

There is a book called, "Speaking Our Truth, By Neal King".

It says, (edited for content) "He had blocked out the realization that he both hated but also loved his big brother for... He had taken the torture and eroticized it".

When I read that, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

Maybe, I have DID(new term). Maybe, I just learned to hide/survive in a fantasy.

Either way, I'm not looking for a label. I'm looking for the solution.

One things for sure, I had big problems by NOT disclosing to my ex wife. The sick attract the sick. Communication was disfunctional, I own my half. At any rate, glad she is gone.

Which leads my to.(future tripping a little). How do I disclose I am a freak...I am guessing...s...l...o...w...l...y ???

If I let Sharina out of the cage without a leash, I'm guessing this fem, might bust my door upon leaving.

The only up side...I can think of is... Sarina fantasizes about female worship...i.e. foot massages...fem's ought to enjoy that.



Sometimes lyrics help me explain, what I ordinarily could not...

..."And I'M wasted, and I can't find my way home".

Seriously trying to find the way,

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#237400 - 07/11/08 03:25 AM Re: Figuring out my personal self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
"Either way, I'm not looking for a label. I'm looking for the solution."

Somebody here once said, "Labels is for cans." I liked that. I hate labels, too.

You know, island,

I was diagnosed as multiple by my first therapist. Personally, I like the old terms, you knew what you were getting. Manics were manic and Multiples were multiples. DID sounds a little too much like a bug repellant to me. You say, "D.I.D." to most people and they'll say, "You DID what?" I love the jokes, some of em are great. I had a greeting card that said, very simply, across the top, "D.I.D. Convention" Everybody on the card had about five name tags on. It was hilarious.

Truth of the matter is, yea, it is a little freaky. I started out with my current therapist almost three years ago and I said, in the opening interview, "I will not lie to you. But that truth might change from day to day." Oddly, he got it. He smiled, I was surprised. "You get that then?" I asked. "I do," he said. I was sold.

I understand what you are saying, island, I get it.

So...about a year or so into it, I ask him, "You think I am a multiple?" He shakes his head no. Not sure whether to be excited or bummed out, I asked, "Why?" And, he told me.

I understand the analogies, it is like a house with many rooms. Ordinarily the rooms might be connected by a hallway. Ordinarily the rooms have doors. Ordinarily the doors can be opened and closed. We all might disconnect to one degree or another, some of us more than others. We might even stuff it into one of the rooms, close the door. Still, others are forced to build their houses with no doors and no hallways. Like so many things, there are degrees. Not unlike "normal." I aspired to be normal and realized much later on in life that in the process I had left the coolest part of me behind.

Who knows? Maybe Sharina's gonna be the one to change the world. Because, thankfully, normal is not this narrow little spot on the scale of life...it extends across a whole big wide range of people and behaviors. We are normal...we just got a little more color than the "average" person.

Look at what is necessary...as we wander through this. As it is happening, it is so far out of our frame of reference to understand. In order to move around in the real world, we have to deny it, minimize it, rationalize it away to a certain degree, at least. Then, we defend ourselves by becoming hypervigilant to protect ourselves against it. So...we deny it, but build a series of defenses to protect ourselves from it.

Maybe that works, maybe, not so much, but we make it through. Now, what? Everything that once worked, now, is obsolete. Who knew?

Who knew that the need to conceal would eventually lead you to the point where what socks you had on on any given day should be kept secret? Or, when your partner asks you how your day went, you respond by saying, "I didn't do nuthin. Why?" Suddenly the real world wants you to feel, to communicate, to participate.


What is real?

Good question, island...


CD


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#237542 - 07/11/08 06:11 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6866
Loc: USA
Island,

There is so much in you that is wise and strong and discerning. I also like your sense of humor. I like the idea of being a gentle soul. I likewise am a gentle soul. Yes, it may be that renders us more susceptible to abuse. There are plenty of Rambo types in the world and not enough gentle souls.

DID works in a very utilitarian way. Although it seems like fantasy stuff it is put there by us to protect ourselves. We can't face some very tough stuff as children, so we partition off a self who can deal with that problem. The one who is there (I never liked the word "alter") is there to handle a particular problem. If it is a submissive female self needed, then that is what was demanded by the situation. In my case I think it was a "sexy boy" self who was able to respond to abuse. Then there is a memory partition so that the separate personalities are not able to access the memory system of the others. I learned to do this as a very small boy without anybody teaching me. Yet it is more complex than this. The partitioning of our mind I think usually goes on during sleep, but in the case of horrendous abuse it may happen much more quickly.

When I was about 20, I journaled for a short while. When I look at the entries now it is startling because every day I was writing with a different handwriting. Yet I was totally unaware of what I was doing. (I didn't consciously notice that I was writing with different handwritings). At that time I never really saw that I was writing like that. This implies that as a young man I may have had as many personalities as days in the week. Even now that is the manifestation I still have. But I don't have very much amnesia from day to day now, but I have a set of "moods" which occur daily withing a weekly regimen. My Saturday "mood" is usually stormy and troubled. Now that I know this it helps to act meaningfully on Saturdays. For several years I was a bear market to my wife on Saturdays.

I think it made performance in educational classes more difficult because I would take notes in class in one personality but then a different personality had to take the test. But yet I was coherent enough to have attended the classes and taken the tests no matter what. I think that a lot of the partitions between the personalities or alters is incomplete. There is some passage of information between the different ones. Again it depended on what was needed at the time. I think this is what happened in my case where I had quite a bit of early abuse followed by several years of relative stability. I think healing occurred during those years. I also think spontaneous healing goes on through the years as the dissociation is no longer needed. But it really helps to have intervention by a trusted T to help with this. Remember the whole idea behind DID is that is a self-induced amnesia to the various personalities. So it is a mind game. With something like this we need the help of a trusted person to help us discern where we have blinded ourselves.

I remember several symptoms from when I was a boy of say 9-yrs-old. My family would often take car trips during the summer. I could read maps then. But I would fall asleep in the car. When I awoke the perception of the map would be reversed, like if you looked at it in a mirror. This was confusing. East and West and north and south were reversed. Since we lived in Colorado where the mountains were in the west, I could look up and verify which way was truly west. This in retrospect seems like kind of a dyslexia. I think it was tied in with my reading problem.

Another symptom I had a lot as a child was a lot of "deja vue" experiences. Here again this was particularly evident during our car trips. I would awaken and in passing through a town I would have a strong sense that I had been there before. This may be explained neurologically by the signal in the brain following two separate pathways to its perceptual goal. One of the pathways was slightly longer than the other, arising to the feeling of having been there before. The separate pathways were around the partition put up by the DID process.

So, how many DIDs did I have? We can never know exactly now because the evidence was dissolved by the healing processes. But most likely it would correspond with the numbers of types of abuse I went through. So, I have Pufferfish stories parts 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. Plus the main guy. Maybe this is true.

Island, I hope I have answered your question.

Puffer


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#237589 - 07/11/08 09:45 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: pufferfish]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 859
Loc: washington
CDavid and Pufferfish,

Thanks for lighting the trail for me.

I have always wondered what is wrong with me. One things for certain I need to be hyper- vigilant about not dissociating at work. I need to stay in my body. I operate industrial grade backhoes and big rigs. You don't wan't to drop a full garbage trailer without going through the neccessary steps. It is possible for trailers weigh up to 26 tons,thats 52,000 lbs. I try to score more than I fumble. (pulling back) This is only one scenario, The bottom line is, if I screw up big enough, the penalty is death. I Don't wan't that. While were close to the subject, I had a relative commit suicide. My dad said,"suicide is a permanent solution, for a temporary problem." (how profound).

One solution, that has helped me beyond di>
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#238155 - 07/14/08 07:32 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 859
Loc: washington
O.K. Probably not a do it yourself project,

I understand and have disclosed Sharina's existance to my T.

My question now is: In order to make my therapy more successfull are there books or websites in which I can expand my knowledge of DID, especially highlighting/ focusing on the androgenous angle?


just dropped in, to see what condition, my condition was in. (Kenny Rodgers)

1islandboy

p.s. seeking advise from survivors and the Guardian Angels. ( Mod Team)

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#238165 - 07/14/08 08:20 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
CDavid Offline


Registered: 07/05/08
Posts: 184
Well, island,


There's an interesting statistic out there that reads something like this...a lot of people that are diagnosed as D.I.D. significantly improve after they quit therapy. Which is the statistic most often quoted by the nay-sayers, suggesting that surviovors are very often at high risk from unscroupulous or just plain stupid therapists that would use it as a diagnosis because D.I.D. is a tough knot and usually requires a lengthy therapy process.

But, you've walked in "disclosing" to your T.

Hmmm?

What did yer T say?


CD


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#238181 - 07/14/08 09:12 PM Re: Figuring out my sexual self. Can you relate?T [Re: 1islandboy]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6866
Loc: USA
I have some specific ideas about how to deal with Sharina.

Too much to put here right now. I can either PM you or post my ideas here later.

Puffer .


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